Of the many interesting and relatable stories in the Bible, a favorite of mine is the story of the woman by the well. It’s tucked away safely in the 4th chapter of John and in a few lines, the story exemplifies why Jesus came and who He came for: the messy, the distraught, the broken, and the hopeless.

When all things are well: when we are whole, without blemish (at least when we think we are), when our circumstances are neat and tidy, it is so easy to know and proclaim that truth of who Jesus is. However, it is when we are in the dark that we understand the depth of that love. In church today, Pastor Paul spoke about the definition of the word “save” in Greek, it is defined as the act of restoration, to be made whole, and to be made well.

Christmas is often a time of family gatherings, togetherness, and gift giving. In the Philippines especially, this season is regarded as sacred and is the best time to reconcile with loved ones. But just like the rest of the world, the season can be a reminder of what we don’t have, what we’ve lost, or what has not yet come. The season can either bring you great joy or despair depending on the current season of your life.

However, tonight, I was reminded by an old favorite Christmas carol of the truth of the season and what we are truly celebrating. In a note shared quickly with friends during the service, I was reminded that Jesus came into this dark world in order to bring light and to save us.

God rescued us from dead-end alleys and dark dungeons. He’s set us up in the kingdom of the Son he loves so much, the Son who got us out of the pit we were in, got rid of the sins we were doomed to keep repeating.” – Colossians 1:13-14

“O, Holy Night” shared with us “the thrill of hope that came in the morning”. Morning doesn’t have to be literal, we can be in the darkest moment of our lives and the only way that we can witness the break of dawn is if Jesus comes to save us. This year could have brought you the darkest moments of your life but that doesn’t mean that all is without hope.

We know and it has been proven many times that God operates differently than the world. Joseph and Mary only expected a simple life, one without fuss or complications. I’m sure during their day they had plans of their own. And yet God interrupted their plans in the most insane way possible to bring forth the biggest responsibility of all: to raise the Messiah who will save the world.

We all had plans at the beginning of 2016 and I’m sure that right now, as we celebrate Christmas (or at least try to), we can see that life is nothing like what we expected and in this we find disappointment. We must always remember, however, that God works in ways we never quite expect. What may seem like a dead end situation could only be a gateway to the great life He has prepared and intended for us.

The woman by the well believed that she was hopeless so she settled for relationships that didn’t bring her satisfaction as the living water would. She thought she was broken beyond repair and yet the King of the world, the one who had every right to turn her away sought her out, sat down beside her, and uplifted her. The world was ashamed of that woman and yet in her darkest moment, Jesus came, touched her, and told her that she would never be the same again.

She was restored, healed, and made well all because of the Savior who chose to pick her up in the middle of her darkness. Jesus came into the world in a manger, the filthiest of all places, to remind us that He is not afraid of the messiest parts of our lives. In fact, this is what He came for and there’s nothing in our lives that He cannot touch including the messiest, darkest, and most hurtful places of our lives. Jesus meets us where we are, He meets us where we have tripped, scraped our knees, and hurt and in meeting us there, He picks us up again and reminds us that we were worth coming to Earth for. He reminds us that we are not rejected by Him and even if the ones closest to us have failed, He will never fail us.

That is the true meaning of Christmas: to know that we are loved, no matter what and situations are never hopeless. Sometimes in this dark and dreary world, the only hand we have is Jesus and ultimately, that is enough.

May your Christmas bring good cheer and love but most importantly, may it connect you to the One who loves you most and may you be reminded that no matter what happens externally, God loves you, He is with you, and the best is yet to come.

Where Feet May Fail

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders. Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me. Take me deeper than my feet could ever wander
And my faith will be made stronger in the presence of my Savior.”

I have always been known as a young, independent woman who has always made decisions for myself and no one else. Because of this stubbornness, I have been known as selfish and impulsive but to me it’s always been me going after what I want because if I don’t, I won’t get there.

I am my own worst critic and from the moment I earned a scholarship in college, I’ve been my own version of supergirl. No matter what the cost, I aimed to become the best, have the best, and always be the one to win.

I made my own vision board at age 16 and didn’t look back since then. It’s true that I may have not won all specifically but I always had a plan. It was all going as planned up until this year.

This year, I got everything I wished for far earlier than expected and still I found myself in a huge, giant emotional mess. There was a void in my heart that could no longer be filled by achievements, applause, and being “the best.” I was miserable on a daily basis and always cried for a way out.

My life has always been carefully calculated with plans A to Z but then I realized that no matter how closely I stuck to the plan, God’s will for me will prevail.

I’ve never chosen anything uncomfortable for myself. It’s always been the easy way, having the best of both worlds, and instant gratification. I worked my butt off but I liked getting results immediately. I was a rat in the race and I wanted out.

In the deepest recesses of my heart, all I want is a quiet life where I can dedicate the best parts of myself to the ones I love the most. And sometimes, giving the best parts of myself means sacrificing for a future that I was ultimately dreamed of.

God is fine tuning my heart but taking away things that used to matter and stripping me of anything that doesn’t ultimately please him. My former self is being slowly stripped away and while the change is uncomfortable, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I see 2017 as a year of transition and as I step into the unknown, I trust God’a heart for He never has failed. My heart is alive with the possibilities and I seek Him above all, knowing that’s He’s already been in the future and all is well.

And yes, I finally got rid of the vision board.


Yes Man (Or Woman).

“Many are the plans of a man’s heart but God’s purpose prevails.” – Proverbs 19:21


As of today, there are only roughly two weeks of work left and about three weeks left until we finally say goodbye to 2016. For a lot of people (based on my social media timeline, which may not be as accurate), it has been a year to forget. So many of my friends cannot wait for the weirdest year ever to just end already.

Personally it has been a year of heartbreak, triumphs, and could possibly my best / worst year all rolled into one. This year alone, I have experienced the following things:

  • Experienced my first and worst heartbreak.
  • Fell in love with the person God intended for me.
  • Got married.
  • Left a job I loved more than anything.
  • Thrown into the furnace of a new job with greater responsibilities, tougher people, and more stress.
  • Met Biankita, the worst version of myself.

My social media feed, pretty much just like yours, is curated into squares that I choose to show the world and to the outside world, the feed looked incredibly beautiful, perfect, and without flaws. As the likes began piling up, I felt my inside world begin to crumble. Judah Smith in his new book called How Well Is Your Soul? spoke about two tragedies in life (pretty much like what my man George Bernard Shaw said): never getting what you worked hard for and getting everything you wanted and more.

In between getting over an intense heartbreak at the beginning of the year, experiencing failure at work after my lateral transfer, falling in love, experiencing betrayal, getting married, and fighting my own demons, I’ve realized that getting what you want can be the soul’s biggest culprit.

(A quick random thought however that I just had to include: this has been a year of simply saying yes and going for it. This year, I thought less with my brain and more with my heart. I just went after it this year: quit a job I was comfortable in, married the man of my dreams in less than a year of dating exclusively, and just saying yes, yes, yes, and yes. It wasn’t always perfect but for the first time in 28 years, I truly lived.)

Getting everything you’ve prayed for can be quite the challenge because once you fulfill all these dreams, what’s next? Without Jesus (and yes, I lost my footing for awhile there), you would still be empty on the inside. I discovered this the hard way as I tried so hard to prove myself to the world completely forgetting that God is the ultimate author of my story. From the moment my prayers got answered, I waved a see ya later, I can take it from here God without realizing that my answered prayers were just the beginning.

Since then, my life just went into a whirlwind spin. It became a complete mess that I was often left in the middle of situations that has caused me to break down. I was also consumed with so much hate that I begged God to return me to the woman I once was, if not better. The journey was incredibly challenging but today after pouring my entire heart out to God at my home church, I suddenly felt a peace that has not been there for an incredibly incredibly long time and these lessons (in line with my December tradition) are the ones that I share with you today.

Say yes, make mistakes, and be messy.

It is safe to say that this has been my messiest year to date. This messiest year was brought to you by my own impulsive decisions, not following the rules I set out for myself, and going against expectations I have set out for myself as a thirteen year old. As I was saying earlier, it has been a year of saying yes. It has been a year of going after what I wanted and seeing for myself the consequences of just going after what I felt like doing. I abandoned my thought patterns, wise counsel from people who cared, and what was expected of me and just went for it. It was exhilirating but it was also messy.

Saying yes to life is wonderful but let me warn you: it is not without consequences. When you choose to go after life you want (or think you want) and when you choose to do a 360 on everything you believed in, you have to be prepared to face whatever comes after saying yes. Often the end results will shake your foundation, make you question who you are, and challenge the essence of who you are. It will stretch you, make you cry, but hey, it also toughens you. When the storm is over, it will all be worth it.

It’s okay, you’re okay, life is okay.

More often than not, experiencing the life you wanted often starts out by being really messy at first. It’s like God dismantles this perfect life you’ve envisoned for yourself and leaves you with the broken pieces for awhile. Before you know it, you are disconnected from your family, without your trusted group of friends, in financial debt, and working so many hours you barely see your husband. You are also filled with so many thoughts that may or may not include regrets or at least questions as to why you said yes to many things. And yet you realize that despite your own speck of the universe being in disarray, you realize that you’re okay, life is okay, and soon, it will be over.

It is all these things that also made me realize that at at the end of the day, not having it all together isn’t life’s biggest sin. It simply means it’s being molded into something greater but for the meantime, I am left with the mess and slowly (out of maturity, I hope), it doesn’t matter as much and you begin to be a kinder, more authentic version of who you once were.

Return to the light.

Okay, so we’re in the middle of a mess and it hurts but does that give you the license to inflict that hurt upon others whether intentional or not? The logical answer is no but the emotional, wrecked answer is yes, yes, and even a more resounding YES. When we’re in a place of hurt, anger, and disappointment, we don’t realize that the anger consumes us so much that we become a toxic person of who we once were.

This was the most difficult one for me to accept, being the little sunshine that I am. I was so angry, mad, and just little miss sourpuss that nobody wanted to be around me. The hurt that was in my heart and in my thoughts seeped through the outer, no matter how much I tried.

My advice is to simply cry it all out, be as mean as you can be (but remember again, it is not without consequences), and then return to the light. Return to who you once were or at the very least, revist the people who love you. Be open, be humble, and soon, the hurt will melt away and slowly, you will be healed.

Master the art of deadma.

I would be the first to admit that I am a HUGE people pleaser. Making people like me could be my life’s biggest mission and this year, I have had so many closed doors and my ego has been bruised by so many rejections that it has led me to master the art of deadma. I’ve had meaningful relationships fall apart, I’ve had friends betray me, and workmates just say vicious things and while they sting for awhile, you learn to just hold your head up high, shrug your shoulders, and realize that while they can’t be kind, you can and that is the biggest superpower of all.

God is still God so calm down.

A good reminder to self: STOP PANICKING. Nothing ever rattles God because He has been in our tomorrows so during the biggest challenges of our lives and as difficult as it may seem,  it helps to simply learn to give it all to God because even if I admit it or not, He is control and as long as He is, then I am all good and my worries doesn’t affect me as much as I think they would. That is probably the greatest gift I gave myself this year. It’s a process but I am getting there.

Be brave enough to choose a different path.

The verse at the beginning of this nobela blog entry rings true, we can create so many plans for our lives but at the end of the day, it is God who ultimately makes things happen. And sometimes, it takes awhile for His plans to manifest (mainly because of our own stubborness or because of our fears) but once you simply heed to His call by following His peace, all of these things will melt away and despite the crazy adventure God has planned for you, you will feel excited about what’s to come.

This year, I have truly witnessed the truth of Jeremiah 29:11 and Romans 8:28 in my life. My life looks nothing like what I expected it to be at the beginning of the year but despite the many heartaches, an empty wallet, and a very different looking 2017, I thank God for this year because it led me to where I am now: someone who is well aware of His goodness and grace. I thank God for seeing me at my worst and still loving me. To experience His goodness is this year’s greatest blessing and with that in my heart, I look forward with joy for my heart is secured in Him.



Rory Rut

Today was a day that my soul needed. It was a day of peace and quiet spent folding laundry while devouring Gilmore Girls. It felt like I was 13 again and there were no deadlines, no pressure, and no decisions that meant major life changes. It was just quiet, exactly what I needed.

There have been so many thoughts in my life lately that I don’t process enough to actually be at peace with them. I’d like to believe that this is the reason behind many mini meltdowns. I’ve been trying to process them for days, for months, for weeks and who would have thought that a visit to a town from my adolescent years would bring me back to life.

It was in the middle of summer and Rory simply plopped down to bed beside her mother declaring that she felt lost and felt like she no longer recognized who she was. As weird as it may sound, I once again found solace in the arms of a beloved fictional character, like it has so many years ago. I have my beliefs, my values, and all those adult things and yet at the end of the day, I still find comfort in relating to characters on screen.

Across four hours, I felt calmer than I have in months and suddenly this awful burden of having to know all of it all at once was lifted from me. It was just like another Saturday night in 1999 where it was just me in a dark room and a TV show with fake characters were enough to make me happy.

Through the lives of the Gilmore Girls, I realized that it was okay to not have my life together yet, to not be perfect, and to not be okay with everyone in your life. It was okay to sit back and relish in not knowing the future because life works out eventually, whether we try or not. There are seasons to life and each season has as a story to tell and while we wish there were seasons we can rush to, there’s a purpose for each one, and while the ones we don’t like seem to last forever, they don’t and soon enough, it rolls into a new one but until then you sit, buckle down, and see the good, no matter how hard you have to squint to see them.

Rory got out of her rut and soon enough, I will too, even better than ever.




As I write this, it’s 3:10 am and I am in the middle of NAIA Terminal 2. And as I always do when I enter airports, I was overwhelmed with a feeling of lightness. There’s just something about airports that remind me of my life’s most favorite memories. 

Terminal 2 is particularly special because this was where I was on that August day in 2015 right before my life took a turn for the better. Airports remind me that life can quickly change and it is always brimming with endless possibilities. 

Airports vibrate with stories that are waiting to be told and it always leaves my heart fluttering with excitement and curiosity. 

Today, of all days, my heart is at peace and looking for the many adventures that is to come.

When Trolls Tell The Story


Just like any human being on the planet, a lot of things have been said about me but the one that is repeatedly said by people around me is this, I am too happy. Yes, I repeat, that is what people fault me for: for being too nice and too happy. I recall a former boss writing that in my evaluation as if it was the most irksome thing to be one the planet.

This is the thought running in my mind when everyone’s beloved Franzea asked if she could spend Saturday night watching Trolls with her Baba, Nana, and Uncle Anthony. I happily obliged because I secretly wanted to watch it too. I heard that Trolls was about happiness and Anna Kendrick and after the few weeks I have had, I couldn’t help but dive into a world where happiness was a driving force.

Poppy brought my optimistic self to life with her hug time, scrap booking, singing, and her incessant need to remind everyone of the bright side of life. I cried buckets during a scene where she was drained of color and cried even harder when I realized that yes, even the happiest, poppiest seed could also lose her sparkle every once in awhile. And that was okay because after a few tears and a few songs, you’ll be okay again.

What drew me to the movie was the nemesis’ reason for eating the trolls: to find and secure happiness. All through out the movie, the Bergens were sullen, sad, depressed, and pessimistic. They only allowed themselves one day to feel happy and that was at the expense of the lives of the trolls.

As a child, the plot is quite simple, but as a grown up adult, you see the underlying metaphors in the story and bam, you end up crying loads in a movie house while your niece chomps on her popcorn happily. You see even if we are not in the world of trolls, Bergens exist everyday.

Likened to the dementors of Harry Potter, bergens are out to kill, steal, and destroy. They work hard to suck everyone out of life with the promise that this is what ultimately would lead to their happiness. They are so focused on capturing all the happy Trolls in the land that they forget that they can secure happiness on their own.

The world’s bergens constantly tells us to acquire more, buy more, be better than the next person, suck the life of another, tear down another to be superior all in the hopes of becoming happy. You see, I’d like to think that bergens aren’t necessarily people, just like the villains in are own lives are not. Instead, they are people who have become blinded to wanting so much to feel happiness that they do the exact opposite: ruin lives to get to that point.

We are constantly told that in order to find lasting joy, we have to have more than another. We begin to live in a world where there is lack instead of abundance, when in fact (and I’ve always believed this) that there is something for everyone and when we believe that, that’s when the doors of life open.

There was something that Poppy said that resounded with me the most, “Happiness isn’t what you don’t have, it is what is already inside of you.”

One of my favorite verses speak of losing one’s soul to profit the world but what happens when the world eats up your soul? You end up emptier than you have been. By gaining our happiness from external factors, we end up emptying ourselves, leading to a dark abyss of depression and discontent.

When it comes to life and happiness, one always has a choice. You can choose to be a bergen and expect others to make you happy or you can choose to be the good kind of Troll and choose to see the bright side no matter how tough life is.

One is heavy, the other is light. It’s up to you to decide which you decide to bear.

Happy Sunday. 

“Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” – Matthew 11:28-30


When Courage Isn’t Bravery


“Courage doesn’t always roar, sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying ‘I will try again tomorrow'” – Mary Ann Radmacher

As of late, life has been one big reflective party. Very withdrawn from who I used to be and who I once aspired to be, I see myself drift away slowly from the shallowness of my former self and into the depths of someone with a deeper story to tell.

At the beginning of the year, I asked God to change my heart and to make it more reflective of His. Lesson number one: be careful what you pray for because our God, as merciful as He is, answers in ways that only He can. This year, my desires were tested: Why am I doing what I am doing? Why am I where I am? Why did I marry the man I married?

The year has been nothing short of whimsical and spontaneous. I married a man I’ve only known for less than a year, quit a job that I have been comfortably in for three years, closed doors on friendships that were no longer aligned with my current values, and went against everything I was taught to live a life that is painstakingly mine.

As I traversed into a new wave of consciousness, I would be the first to admit that nothing is easy. When we are told to go after the life we want, to marry the one who makes our heart flutter, and to take on our dream job, the enormity of the challenges faced are often minimized.

I would be the first to tell you: it’s not easy. Going after the life we want takes an indomitable amount of courage but also of humility. The world tells us to be brave but it rarely tells us to be humble. As you go through life changes, you will know more and more the importance of humility. Bravery, for all of its intents and purposes, is significant but getting down on your knees, rolling up your sleeves, and taking on the impossible begins with softening your heart. 

As an young, rather arrogant millenial, I thought taking on the world meant having my nose up in the air, pretending to know it all as a way to reflect my psuedo confidence. Growing up insecure, I thought that being confident meant not asking for help or admitting to my mistakes. But in truth, the courage to begin a task, no matter how daunting it is, begins by first admitting that yes I would be needing help.

It also means giving up on a specific perception of life and understanding that while my life isn’t where I expect it to be at this point at least I was man enough to go for the life that I want. Getting to where we want to be isn’t always a clean path, it’s filled with dragons, demons (both of our own and others), and shadows. It’s messy and it takes courage to admit that hey, this isn’t how I envisioned it in my head but I can keep going.

It also takes humility to laugh at your life and say to yourself, this is not going as planned and yet still have the courage to try again. As my dad always says, life isn’t a fairytale but we can choose to make it what we want it if we just learn to buckle down and believe that no matter what life throws against you, it can still be better than what we have imagined.



How To Love Mundane Mondays

“Monday na naman Lord!” 

Yes, in as much as I try to be Little Miss Sunshine, Mondays can rain down on my parade as much as the next person.

It’s not just the traffic that gets to me. It’s the transition of leaving the weekend persona behind with all its promise of calm and comfort in exchange for deadlines, people, and just the rush of getting things done. It’s extracting yourself from the calmness and throwing yourself into the fire.

I’ve had a series of not so happy Mondays in the past month and today, I made sure to no longer make this Monday just like the rest. So instead of checking my phone at the crack of dawn, I went straight downstairs to make myself coffee, put on my gym clothes, and attack the gym. On the way there, I listened to Pastor Steven Furtick’s How to Love The Mud and the messes in one’s life were discussed thoroughly. If you are anything like me, we don’t like it when things are in disarray, we like order, we like knowing what’s next, and most importantly, we like being in a place of stability.

But of course, life is never quite as clean or perfect as we’d like it to be.

You see the main reason why Mondays felt so mundane to me was because of one thing – they were messy. In a way, the weekend takes you away from the chaotic realities of life and Monday jolts you back in. Somehow, weekends mean kicking the chaos under the bed while Mondays meant the troubles were back at it again.

Unknowingly, I began depending on my circumstances to change before getting my Little Sunshine spirit back without realizing that sometimes, all it takes is a shift in perspective.

Yes, life is messy. Yes, life is chaotic. Yes, there is a terrible amount of pressure attached to it. BUT that doesn’t mean that it is going to last forever. It only means that there is progress in the middle of all the mess. Pastor Steven likened it to a cook in the kitchen — a clean kitchen meant that the cook wasn’t preparing anything while a messy one meant that a feast is about to be served.

In my mind, it suddenly made sense. The mess doesn’t mean that I am screwed and my life isn’t going anywhere, the mud of my life simply meant that my life is taking shape. It’s cutting off edges, it’s molding me into a better, less arrogant version of myself, and getting me prepared for whatever is next. God always has something up His sleeve for His children and often, it’s the season where we don’t feel Him the most or question His presence the most is when He is doing the work He has intended.

Knowing this doesn’t make the situation easier but it boosts my confidence because sometimes the only way you can get through it is knowing that towards the end of a particular season, there is a reward. The reward can be a season of harvest (which of course is highly likely) but of course, the eternal rewards are far greater. In seasons of chaos, you learn to depend greatly on God, learn a thing or two about humility, and create a depth within you that wasn’t there before.

Mondays may never be a favorite but I am slowly learning to appreciate it more because Mondays mean I get to step out into another week with brand new opportunities. It also means (and this is particularly true for me) that while I may be in a dark and challenging season, a Monday means I am closer to the end of it.

So with that, I chug a little more of my coffee because while I am friendlier with Mondays, I still do need a lot more coffee to survive.



Who Empowers Our Cans

“You can’t do that.” ; “She’s incompetent” ; “How did you even get this job?” 

“Rejection steals the best of who I am by reinforcing the worst of what’s been said to me.”
Lysa TerKeurst, Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely

It happens to the best of us – we are often told that we are not good enough – not good enough for a relationship to last, not good enough for a job post, or even good enough to be treated decently as a human being. And while I know of an exceptional few (my niece, Franzea,  and younger brother, Carl being two of the most indifferent people I know) who are oozing with confidence and deal with these comments head on, using them as fuel to do better.

Unlike them, however, I have always been thin skinned. I am as emotional as emotional can be and to be told that I am not liked or that I will fail at something are two things that cripple me. Now that I am 28, I can honestly say that half of my life has been lived in the desire to be liked, to be popular, and to be right. It was an extremely naive perspective that led to many disappointments and heartaches.

Up until recently, I have never been placed in an environment where I was told that I couldn’t make it or where I was questioned. But of course, as in anything in God’s kingdom, I was pressed down and shaken together in a way that I have never been before.

From the moment this year began, I have been told numerous times in countless ways that I couldn’t. Switching careers from PR to Accounts showed me that there were still many things that I didn’t know so the pabiba girl that I am, I put up my sleeves and got to work. No matter what was said about me, no matter how many people thought I wasn’t qualified for my post, I kept going to work. And while I still had so many mistakes, God has blessed me with gracious bosses who didn’t finger point, didn’t castrate me for my mistakes, nor punished me for them. Instead, they held my hand, showed me the consequences of mistakes, and taught me how to avoid it in the future.

Truth be told however, I am not the most gracious person when it comes to accepting criticism (especially when it is riddled with malice) but slowly, I am learning. I no longer question the intent of criticism hurled towards me, instead, I learn what I can from it and then move forward.



Most importantly, I use it as a chance to revert back to what God says about me — which is the only opinion that matters.

“I’m not who that guy says I am. I’m not who that girl says I am. I’m not who social media likes and comments say I am. I’m not who the grades, to-do lists, messes, and mess ups say I am. I’m not who the scale says I am or the sum total of what my flaws say I am. I’m going to stop flirting with the unstable things of this world so I can fall completely in love with You. I am loved. I am held. I am Yours. I am forever Yours.” The more intimacy like this that I have with God, the more secure my true identity is.”
Lysa TerKeurst, Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely

By completing surrendering to the truth of who God says I am, I am completely free of what the world says about me. It’s not easy especially since I have been ingrained by this reality but at the end of the day, when we live out of the truth that it’s only what God says about me is what matters. I may be challenged from all sides, I may be belittled from all sides but if there’s one thing I have learned it’s this: if I choose to give my truth to God and respond to what He thinks of me rather than what the world thinks of me then the rest would be taken care of.

Through the many tears I’ve cried in the past few weeks, God has chosen to mold my heart and to stop seeing myself as a victim by not immediately reversing my circumstances. Instead of changing the circumstances, he chose to change my heart and see that God can work everything around for good. 

And as I rested in this truth, I have come to understand that God is sovereign and in His truth, I am free.

“David started this stunning soul declaration with the assurance that with God there is fullness. There is no lack. Nothing can be added or subtracted with human acceptance or rejection. With the fullness of God, we are free to let humans be humans—fickle and fragile and forgetful.”
Lysa TerKeurst, Uninvited: Living Loved When You Feel Less Than, Left Out, and Lonely


Marriage is Not The End Goal

My husband and I have been married for almost three months. Just yesterday, we also celebrated our three month work anniversaries. To a lot of people, it might seem like a state of pure bliss– marrying the love of your life, pursuing your dream job, engaging in hobbies while still managing to remain polished and gracious at all times. 

I’d hate to break it to you but my days look nothing like the beauty of my new blog (it’s so grown up and sleek, so in love with it!). In fact, from the time I got married and started at my new job, I could no longer count the number of times I sobbed and felt like the world was closing in on me. 

In the rare times I was alone, I felt extremely overwhelmed with the changes in my life. It’s not that I don’t like the life I have been blessed with or grateful for the answered prayers but it’s more like the anxiety over a new life. 

Many of my thoughts are too personal to discuss with anyone or to even pen down. I liken the dark days to what a mother feels after giving birth, you feel excitement over a new event and yet a little sad and anxious about a new chapter. 

It’s the thought of being pulled into a million and one directions and satisfying the responsibility of being a wife, an employee, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I often felt depleted at the end of the day, forgetting that I was allowed to breathe. 
After long hours of analyzing and prayers, I’ve come to realize that maybe the dark thoughts stem from the thought that this is it. 

What is slowly bringing me out of the dark cave that I retreat to every so often is the fact that even if my last name has changed, who I am as a person has not been tainted. I am still the same determined, go-getter that I have always been. For women to be limited just because they’re married or a mother is disheartening at the very least and discouraging at best. 

Marriage is a beautiful, wonderful thing. There’s a joy that comes with waking up next to the love of your life and a peace knowing you no longer have to face your demons alone. 

But marriage is not the end goal. 

People say that marriage should stop a woman from pursuing her dreams and being her own person but that’s an outdated concept.Marriage is not a plague either, it’s simply a status but it ultimately doesn’t define me. It’s not an achievement either or a golden badge, it simply is what it is: being with the person you love. 

But we’re still individuals. My husband is allowed to pursue his dreams as I continue to plot my own Beyoncé domination. We grow our own lives and who we are individually so we can add more depth into our marriage. 

Marriage is the beginning of even greater adventures and a new season which prunes us to be a better version of ourselves in humility.
There is nothing like love to break open a prideful soul and I welcome all that God intends to do as I enter a season of both celebration and brokenness because in case you don’t know, both are blessings meant to transform us into who God made us to be. 

It also reminds me that ultimately whatever the season, the only true satisfaction comes from knowing who God is and through Him, we find our peace.