intensely appropriate


it has been said before that a terrible situation becomes useless when you don’t make use of it to make someone’s life better.

that’s the reason why i’m writing this entry on the night after Christmas, writing it while my eyes are swollen and my heart is burned out just so I could reach out to those who may be feeling the same thing and thinking the way I did earlier, that they are alone.

which they never truly are.

this blog entry is for those of you who have been called incompetent by a parent or anyone in authority. this entry is for those of you who are still hurting because someone in position once told you that you weren’t good enough.

well, let me tell you this right now, you are good enough.

you are beautiful. you are loved. you are not fat. you are not stupid and you will go somewhere in life.

this is for you whose heart is breaking because someone betrayed you and you think that it’s your fault.

it’s not.

and stop believing the lie that tells you that you’re the reason why you were betrayed.

because you’re not smart enough, you’re not pretty enough, you’re not rich enough. just stop believing the lie that you are not enough, because in Christ, you are more than enough.

being the perfectionist that i am, i find the need to control every single situation known to mankind. i don’t like it when things happen and i have no control over it.

so imagine how difficult it was for me to accept the fact that I didn’t have to do anything for Christ, instead all I had to do was accept it.

I’ve been a Christian since I was a baby. I was raised in church, in scripture and heck, I even went to a Christian high school. yet this concept to me is unfathomable.

i don’t know who to blame as to why my perceptive is like this, like i actually have to struggle before I get something beautiful.

i understand the depth of the christian faith and it does not involve simple formulas and not every christian goes through the exact identical thing but I will not dwell on that tonight.

instead, i’ll focus on what has been real for me and how it has affected me and by doing this, i hope i can touch someone’s life or brighten someone’s dark day.

i’m a doer. i like getting things done and i get frustrated when i don’t. in order to look good, i must starve and workout times two. in order for a relationship to work, it must hurt a little bit (i’m talking about sacrifices here!) and in order for someone to truly love you, you must be perfect, no added weight, never say the wrong things and you must be perfect all the time.

i must admit i have this crazy obsession with perfection and i do hope in the deepest core of my being, that you don’t struggle with the same problem.

oh how i love people who are carefree! people who could go on with thier lives, accept themselves for who they are and just enjoy living.

i must admit, i’m not one of those people. my mind is constantly churning and i’m constantly searching for something to do.

i can’t be idle, i must be working so i could justify everything in my life.

and because of this, i became resentful, way too ambitious for my own good and just plain prideful (is that even a word?)

i cut off some pretty cool people in my life because in my wildest dreams, i never thought i’d deserve them. i’d run off in self pity and wallow in misery because i knew that no matter how hard i worked, i would never measure up.

that’s the kind of intense person that i am.

which may be the reason why i’m always lonely, even if i’m surrounded by people who love me and people who care.

i always must be working for something because if they’re just given to me, then they’ll disappear one of these days because who am i to deserve anything important, real or anything remotely related to being loved?

i don’t deserve it. i wouldn’t deserve it till i get my Ph.D, lose fifty lbs and become more loving or fix up my sometimes haughty attitude.

but today’s events, which i’d rather not specify on made me realize that Christ, despite all of my shortcomings, died on the cross and made me realize that “yes carla, you are not perfect but you need to stop trying to be perfect. i love you!”

and you know, even after hours and days of listening to Pastor Mark, Nic, Denise and a few weathered mentors, i still don’t get it.

why? why? why?

what do you mean i don’t have to do anything? seriously?! i deserve all this?

and this wonderful love that should be spoken about more often so there are less lonely people in the world, was given to me, at no cost! without lifting a finger.

despite the struggle in my heart and the pieces i need to pick up, i’m overwhelmed and half-ashamed.

imagine, relying so much on my looks, my education, my job, my parents, my friends and boys to get this love that has already been offered to me years and years ago!

it’s still an entirely new concept for me and there are so many things i need to learn.

but wow, this amazing love, if i understood years ago it would have saved me broken friendships and broken realities.

you see, people we meet on earth are going to disappoint us. they will crush our spirits and they will ruin us whether intentional or not. even the people we love and trust the most are going to kill our spirits at one point and yes it will hurt, but it only reminds us of one thing, there’s only one supernatural GOD who would never leave us, who would never disappoint us and who would never hurt us.

it’s time for us to breakaway from the belief that we will be less of a person if this guy (or girl) didn’t love us back, if our parents didn’t appreciate the hard work and if we don’t get the promotion at work.

yes, it breaks our spirits , but it’s the best time for us to get in touch with God and realize that in HIS BEAUTIFUL AND PERFECT TIME, IT WILL ALL MAKE SENSE.

That despite all the ugliness that engulfs our lives, we are never truly alone and that in order for life to be meaningful we must and i say this with extra emphasis, we must lean only on Him.

All the material things, the people we fall in and out of love with, they are merely
instruments or reminders of how much our God loves us, but they are never the true meaning of Christ.

I got so caught up in the world that i forgot all about God’s serenity, peace and joy. That the entire world is nothing without Him and yes, I could stand to lose everything, but in Christ, we have overcome.

so we go back to the purpose of this entry, to all of you lonely hearts out there, YOU ARE NOT ALONE. You never were.

Just like me, we just placed our trust and hope into the things that weren’t meant to be our fortress to begin with. It’s a mistake everyone walking the earth makes.

and even though i have managed to type this entry and accepted the fact that the Lord knows what He is doing, it is still a difficult concept to analyze, which is why i surrender.

i’ll give my overthinking brain a rest and believe that tomorrow morning would be different, that the last week of 2009 would be filled with longing for Him and only Him.

And i know My God’s grace is sufficient for He is the only truth I know.