Running on Empty


The week started out with a personal challenge: to be as real and as raw as I could be without filtering who I am for the sake of an image. 

And this week gave me multiple opportunities to be as real and as filled with emotion as I could be. It’s my second week in my new job post and truth be told, I am drowning. 
Most people wouldn’t be bold enough to say that but for the sake of authenticity and also some relief, I dare say it out loud. 
As a self-confessed people pleaser, I feel as if I am being pulled in several directions of wanting to do well in my job while still trying to learn the ropes. In other words, gusto ko na maging magaling pero I haven’t been fully equipped yet. And since I firmly believe in not making excuses, any form of failure shakes me, whether a small one or a big one. My soul simply cannot take not being trusted or being doubted. This is where my desire for perfection stems from. I can’t have people lose confidence in me. 
However, such is life and its circumstances. No matter what we do, we are constantly failing at something. I have come to realize that we can’t have it all together all at once. And in every new journey, whether personal or career wise, there is a learning curve we have to learn. As for me, it’s not necessarily the failure or mistake that shakes me but the loss of confidence. However, I understand that the best I can give is a sincere apology, learn from it, and move on. 

It’s safe to say that it has been a tough week from my eternal toothache to my pre-time of the month body aches and generally just life in general, sometimes all I want to do is crawl under the covers and cry or watch Little Lulu all day or both. 

But life is life. And it’s not only at work that I feel pressured but also in other areas of life. It can be a good problem because it means that life is rich and I am grateful but sometimes, I can’t help but request for a timeout. Not that the people in my life are pressuring me in any way but it’s the pressure I put on myself which can be difficult to understand for other people. 

I never do things half heartedly, especially when it’s for other people. I always give a hundred percent and not doing so makes me feel inadequate. I am selfless in a way that is selfish because at the end of the day, I find myself depleted with nothing left to give. By constantly putting other people’s needs first, I have become exhausted. 

And while some of you might think that I am a saint in putting others first, in truth, I am not. I put the needs of others first in the desire to be liked and it’s like running on a treadmill: you can spend as long as you like on it, give all you can, and still not be enough. 

So today, I came up with a solution: I should be kinder to myself and stop seeking validation from others. Not that wanting and desiring to get along with others is bad but my intentions must be checked and that’s what I should do. I should do things out of the strong desire of wanting to do them instead of it feeling like an obligation. I should be passionate about the work I do and most importantly revert back to surrendering the outcome of it to God. I have forgotten to put Him first and it has led me to different directions, chasing after things that don’t necessarily fill me up. Don’t get me wrong, I am thankful for all the beautiful things in my life but I need to readjust my focus and return to God, the only true one who fulfills. 

And while I know I am running on empty right now, I have faith that in my honesty, I will be filled up again.