Sunshine: The Closest I’ve Come To Writing About Fashion


Aside from a brief six month stint working for a clothing brand in 2007 (which I proudly call my Ugly Betty moments), I have never really dabbled much into clothes, high heels and fashion.

I have always remained faithful to Joey Potter and Haley James- Scott (as in season one Haley and not rockstar or cheerleader Haley) for my fashion choices:
And it has always been that way until the day I took on my first job ever at a clothing company and that’s when i realized that dressing could actually be fun so in order to fit into clothes that didn’t make me leave room for me to have an extra “handle”, i started working out and was actually confident about myself and the way i dressed.
however 2008 came and went and took with it my confidence.
if you have been kind enough to faithfully weed through my words you would know what happened in 2008 but if this is your first time, i’m sorry i cannot tell the tale although adele’s 21 bears a striking resemblance.
so anyway, without knowing it, but because i have been constantly told that i was a) fat b) stupid and c) ugly by someone who i thought so highly of, i have begun to hear the words long after he was gone.
and i may have never realized until now but what i was doing: eating my emotions away, hiding in men’s clothing and not even making an effort to fix my hair was not because i was lazy but was simply this: by not looking good, i had an immediate excuse as to why i was being rejected and that “one day” when i lose all the weight and wear nice clothes, the right guy would come.
i have also spent four years saying, “i’m happy on the inside and no matter what it is that i’m wearing, it doesn’t matter because I have a relationship with God and that is more than enough” which of course is true and needs an entirely different blog entry to explain but to be honest, it was just an excuse for me.

i was forever lurking in the shadows, refusing to be seen.

but today while on a “shopping trip” with my mom (which i hardly do and totally despise), i saw myself in the mirror and realized that i no longer liked the person i saw.
basically i gave up on myself and allowed myself to be defined by someone who could not even define himself (ahh, a jab there but I love you bro, wherever you are, I wish you the very best) and in it, I got lost and ended up in the land of carbohydrates, baggy jeans, hair in a bun and no make up look. 
now don’t get me wrong, this is not a self-pity blog entry, God knows i’ve had enough of those but actually a coming of age albeit a few years too late.
it’s not like i hated the person that i saw in the mirror, but for the first time in a really long time, i find myself wanting to let the person God is working on on the inside to shine on the outside. it was like suddenly i wanted all the joy that was inside of me because of who i’m focused on to be on the outside as well.
this realization has nothing to do with wanting to look good because as i’ve said in my previous blog entry that “nothing compares with a relationship with Christ.” it also has nothing to do with meeting the man of my dreams tomorrow because i have long accepted that life isn’t really about that anymore , but has everything to do with being at peace with who I  am.

Kidding aside, it’s not even about meeting “the right person” but being happy because I am making the right choices for myself.
But what I’m saying that although I am still a work in progress and I still make mistakes, there’s joy and security in my heart that can no longer be taken away by anyone.

I no longer find the need to prove myself to anyone the way I tried to when I gave up. 

The main reason why I gave up was because I wanted to show people that “I didn’t care”, it was like a reverse kind of pride and I have been drowning in it for the longest time. For the longest time I didn’t like the person I saw in the mirror and felt guilty everytime I felt good about the way I looked.

But today, something in me snapped. I no longer want to feel trapped nor do I want to continue to be defined by someone who obviously wasn’t meant to be a part of my life in the long haul.

But most of all, I wanted to like myself because Jesus wouldn’t really have much to work on if I am constantly fighting with myself and who He created me to be. So this maybe a single step and I am still a work in progress but i hope this blog entry conveys how wonderful it feels to like who i am.

that i don’t have to hide the person God has made me to be the same way that i don’t have to be prideful in trying to prove who i am by being conventionally pretty.

in truth it’s not even about the pretty. it’s just about being happy in who i am.

that i can freely be all that He has created me to be and the best place for me is to like who I am because once I do that is the only way that I could freely love others and allow them to love me as well. because i have finally realized that it is okay to be loved and it is okay to be liked.

That it is okay to love yourself because only people who do have hearts big enough and free enough to love others.

So here’s to sunshines, cupcakes, giggles, bright colors, laughter, possibly high heels and all the beautiful days ahead.