The first instinct is to hate you. Every single fiber part of my body wants to hate the reality of you not feeling as strongly as I do.
I could hate you but that means I would also hate the best parts of you. And there’s a lot of them. I had to dig deep into who you are to find the best version of you because the best part of yourself is buried underneath your issues, your fears, your ego, and your insecurities. But I enjoyed unraveling them, I enjoyed the way your eyes twinkled and the way you spoke about the things that excited you.
I enjoyed the anxiety I felt over a new beginning. I look back and find myself still smiling over long conversations that lingered between you and me. I saw snapshots of you and the person you were before you got drowned into the circus that is your life now and I feel a bit saddened over the fact that I will never see him or speak to him again. He was a delight to be around, his enthusiasm always contagious, his smile always charming. There was mystery then and i enjoyed every minute of it.
I could hate you for becoming the person everyone said you are, I could, but it was in seeing that person that I learned to love unconditionally. I saw the worst parts of who you were and chose to believe in the best anyway. I never loved like that before and yet the worst of you brought out the best in me. I could have stayed and became content with the uncertainty of what we were. I could have accepted the fact that you never felt as strongly as I did and I could have simply ridden the waves. But loving you showed me the importance of loving myself. I was slowly falling apart to keep you steady but I realized it could never work because the parts of me that were strong enough to love you is slowly being disintegrated and each day you hurt me, I lose that superhuman ability that I gained at the beginning of this dance between you and me.
I refuse to believe that me leaving has hurt you because I know you don’t care but if I did hurt you or if I caused imbalance in your world, I’m sorry. But I have to walk away without hating you because hating you would discredit everything I learned. It would also take away the wonderful bittersweet privilege of loving someone who can’t even love himself. I could have spent an entire lifetime loving you but I’m not strong enough. My love for you was so strong, I already felt it destroying the good in me that chose to love you.
So I’m letting you go and in doing so, I hope you finally find yourself and hopefully you find the happiness that seem to elude you.
Thank you for showing me how strong I am, until we meet again.