a note to my fifteen year old self


You got in touch with him. You were able to virtually talk to him (you may not understand this in 2003, but believe me there was a way). 

While I (your 26 year old self) was getting in touch with him, I couldn’t help but feel happy for you. When I was your age you couldn’t help but faint at the thought of being inches away from him. Let’s just say that things have changed in the past eleven years and what you thought was going to be the epitome of your life well just didn’t measure up. 
In fact, it just came and quickly went away without fireworks as you have expected. Sometimes, “down the road” and “God’s timing” simply means you get over an infatuation. Jessica Darling once said something about being in love with the idea of the person, but not the person in itself.
Safe to say, I’m glad I tried for you. You have always been benevolent in being hopeful no matter how impossible the situation may seem. And eleven years ago, it was impossible. 
But somehow, your belief in making the impossible possible led you into becoming brave and into being strong enough to chase after the things you want in life. It took you awhile to get used to the idea that sometimes what you want isn’t exactly what you thought it would be, but still you persisted. This year alone, you have toyed with “fate” and went after “things” that you were once afraid of. And while some of them led doors to bigger opportunities, some also led to your biggest heartbreaks that made you question if you were enough. They turned into heartbreaks because you realized that the people you wanted most didn’t want you back. It took you months of tears and questioning to realize that maybe not being wanted back is the most humiliating and excruciating thing in the world. Maybe it was what would wake me up from things I was ignoring my entire life.

Somehow, the relentlessly optimistic fifteen year old still made its way through the cynical twenty six year old and won. You are the reason I was able to get through most of the mess of this year. You and your belief that things work out for the good because you were right, they did turn out for my good.
And not in a way that I expected, but here I am, standing strong, thankful for the peace that comes with understanding that what’s meant for me won’t miss me and those that missed me were never meant for me. It took awhile for me to accept that the things I wanted most may never want me back and that doesn’t make me a lesser person. In fact, going after these things with determination and acceptance turned into my own gems of strength.
I’m sorry the fairytale you wanted at fifteen didn’t happen even if I tried to, but let me tell you one thing, when it does happen, I do believe that it’s going to be better than you have ever expected, even if your happy ending doesn’t involve anyone other than you.