“Danny would always be the realized dream and yet he wasn’t. For the first time since I was fourteen, my heart didn’t do this crazy flip flop thing and my stomach didn’t feel like I just ate a gallon of ice cream to get over heartache. The only thing I felt was, relief.
In an ironic twist of the tale, I really don’t know why I felt relived. I don’t know why I felt this irrepressible need to run and sing “freedom” at the top of my lungs. It was like I finally saw the world without my rose colored glasses and the first idealism that I had to let go of was Danny and me. The thought just made me squirm, I guess the main reason I clung to that idea for as long as I could was because at the back of my mind, I knew that it wasn’t going to happen. My heart didn’t know that it was going to happen. My heart was never at peace with the idea of it. It was never going to be a reality for me and in the oddest sense, I always felt at home in the land of Neverland. But I knew in my heart that the fairy tale had to go, if for the only reason is that my life is unfolding the real fairytale before my eyes. I knew I had to let go of the old to bring in the new. This is what this moment of realization is all about. Letting go of the familiar and grabbing the unknown.”
Truth be told, I’ve been writing fiction since I was ten and this is taken from the most recent one I made. I guess in a lot of ways, it explains what I’ve realized over the holy week and what I’m feeling over the future.
Gad, my high school buddies would be so proud of me but I’ve finally learned to let go of silly idealisms about how things should be and just finally letting things be.
Don’t take it too seriously though, this may be a result of a Dawson’s Creek over dose (I’m a certified freak, I consumed the fifth season in two and half days!) but it may also be a result of something we all know too well: growing up.
In the past few days, I’ve reflected upon my life in the weeks past and how much I’ve reacted to certain situations or how much I didn’t have a reaction for it.
I just let things be. Let things fall into its proper place and I’ve come to a point where I am not as easily attacked by my emotions and my tears don’t freely fall as they used to.
Would you believe that I didn’t cry over the premise of 27 Dresses which has been the premise of my life ever since I was in second grade?
Just like what my short story conveyed, I am finally letting go of the things I used to be. I guess in a way, I’ve always been afraid to accept my faults, I’ve always been afraid to reexamine what was inside because reexamining it would mean parting with it and parting with something, no matter how ugly it is means severing ties with someone I used to be.
But after an argument yesterday with someone dear to me, I realized that maybe it’s the only thing holding me back. That old insecurities must be let go of for it’s the only way that I could truly move on and “fulfill my destiny”. I wasn’t afraid to reexamine myself yesterday (in between Dawson’s Creek and a cheesy tagalog film that they could only show during the Holy Week, I mean really, what is up with Piolo and the long hair? Eww) and try to let go of the bitterness.
I’m not a saint. I haven’t fully let go of it but I’m in the process of it. Which is a great big step for me, I guess the familiarity of it made me blame something when things go wrong. Accepting this fact made me realize how much I’ve grown, that I’m finally being accountable for my actions.
The story above doesn’t just signify an ill-fated teenage crush, but also a lifetime of pining and mapping out my own story instead of allowing the Lord to do it for me. I’ve been immersed in Joshua Harris and the Ludy Couple’s books for as long as I can remember, but until the past few weeks, I never really surrendered my lovelife. I mean come on, what if I get married to someone like Mouth?
But that’s beside the point. Just like my short story, I’m at peace with what didn’t or did happen in the past few days. When you see it from a bigger view, I guess everything’s falling into place, just not the way I expected it too.
But it’s pretty good. In fact, at nineteen, I’m pretty much at peace with who’s in or out of my life, what I have and what I don’t. Those things would come in time and I’m only excited how the Lord would unravel those things.
For the meantime, I’m sticking to making myself better. I’m sticking to giving myself to others instead of just one person. Of making the little things count.
I’ll always be a dreamer, that’s something that’s innate, something in me that you really can’t erase with time. That’s who I am.
But my feet have landed and I confine my daydreaming to the simple ones we all have: marrying a famous actor, receiving an Oscar, you know those things.
Because you know as countless books would say, once you’ve achieved a full life, once you’re at peace with what you have then that’s the time that someone or an opportunity would knock at your door, when you least expect it and at that point in time, I’d just be happy to look back and say, “it’s a good thing I let go of “Danny”.”
Whoever Danny symbolizes in my life.
But then again, that’s a whole different story. Hope your Holy Week was as blessed!