“Love does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful”
-1 Corinthians 13:5
i am emotional.
i don’t know if i should consider this a factory defect, but that is what i am– an emotional creature who used to make life altering decisions based on how i feel about it.
in some ways, it’s a good thing because i love with all my heart. when i’m passionate about something, it shows. i don’t do things halfway. i love with all my heart– whether in my relationships, friendships or familial ties.
that’s just a big part of me– loving people.
however, this could be a two-edged sword, simply because, being the emotional creature that i am, i also craved for the same love and attention from the people i gave them to.
being with people i love is highly intoxicating and in my heart, i developed a desire to be loved by them no matter what it took.
i never quite understood the fact that you really don’t need a reason to love people — no matter whether in friendships or romantic relationships.
and until i fully basked into the love that He has for me, i never quite understood the phrase “loving without expectation”.
in the back of my head, it was a kind of love that only saints and heroes could give, definitely not a love that was given by a highly neurotic human being as myself.
in the back of my mind, i could not love like that. i could not love without a little love and attention my way.
i was selfish, but never did i think that the love i was giving was also suffocating, simply because it wasn’t the love that gave the people i love freedom.
it was love that demanded, demanded and demanded some more. it was a kind of love that i easily took back when i was hurt or disappointed, it wasn’t the love that freely gave.
it wasn’t a type of love that was secure.
it was the type of love that arrogantly searched for its own comfort.
i guess, looking back, it was not love at all.
it was narcissistic at its best, vain at its worst.
it was the manipulative kind of love that was filled with insecurity.
and i knew it, however, if you’ve been living that way for the longest time, what do you do to turn that love around?
what was real love anyway when all i’ve ever known was tainted love that produced tears, betrayal and agony basically because i expected when i shouldn’t have. when i gave all of me (in the most figurative sense just in case that got you thinking) and lost all of it because i wasn’t founded on something beautiful, on something greater than myself.
in all honesty, i cannot love fully on my own. where would i get it from? in my most human of natures, i am clingy, insecure and too emotional to be stable enough to love someone else.
stability is one of the things i admire in the people opposite of who i am.
they remain steadfast whatever is going on, i could only look at those people with so much admiration for being so stable.
however, He is faithful, He is good and slowly but surely, I am learning the kind of love He has for us. The kind of love that goes beyond all reason and He is telling me that that love is free for all.
That as i sit and simply receive the love that He has for me, I can also freely give it to the most difficult of human beings (which is me most of the time) not because i’m superwoman or because i’m this saint.
no, i can give it because i understand the truth that it was freely given to me as well. i have been given so much grace, so much love, so much mercy that it would be selfish to not freely give it to others as well.
so now when i say i love people, that’s truly all that there is to it. i don’t say i love people because i expect them to invite me to their parties. i don’t expect to love people just so i feel beautiful.
because the One who gave me the best kind of love is truly the only love i need.