As I type this, my throat has healed and it no longer feels like a chainsaw is drilling it every time I open my mouth to speak (yes, you know I’m not well when I nod my head instead of explaining in detail why it’s a yes and not a no).
The moment I woke up yesterday I knew that something was wrong so I did the best thing that I could: run to the nearest drugstore and stock up on the antibiotics. I didn’t even consider “water therapy” or “resting”, I knew I needed meds in my system and I couldn’t wait for the pain to go away.
Which really is the analogy of my life.
You see, I don’t like pain.
Now, I’m not saying that anybody does but what I’m saying is the moment I feel pain, I run away. Now, I’m also not like Adele who thrives on pain and drama to make life more exciting but it’s safe to say that I’m not an unfeeling person.
I’m sort of in between. I know the importance of pain in one’s life but at the same time, I don’t think we should go ahead and experience it “just because”. I believe life is a series of choices and we can actually choose to be happy every single day of our lives no matter the circumstances.
Yet and still, pain is inevitable, the same way joy is.
The truth is, I love joy. I love happiness. I love happy endings. I love bright colors. I love seeing people happy.
So at the opposite of it is my disdain for anything dark and sad (this is the reason why I couldn’t sit through Girl With A Dragon Tattoo) but it is part of the world and Jesus said that in order for us to bring light to the world we must be brave enough to step out into the dark.
And that being said, I am such a wuss.
You see the same way that I try to run away from physical pain, I also try to run away from emotional pain.
You see, in the same way that I love joy and love love (refer to previous entry), I also love believing the best in people — to a fault.
I blindly trust and I blindly believe that this person is good without flaws and all. So imagine how I feel when the bubble pops and I’m left with a human being and not a Disney character.
So once that happens, I tend to be and I’m not exactly proud to say this judgmental.
There’s really no excuse for it but I believe that by seeing the worst in someone (though all I really see is the best) I get to take care of myself. I get to take care of my heart and ta-da, no more tears ma!
If I don’t expect good things from this person then I don’t get hurt and I can happily love this person from a distance and that distance is really fine with me.
But truth is, Jesus wants us to get our hands dirty. Jesus loves us with the kind of love that loves us even though we’ve hurt him so many times and by His grace, He asks us to do the same with others.
And just like a bratty child, I hide under the bed and shout a resounding no!
But I realized that if I hide from pain, I am also hiding from possible sunshine in my life.
I also realized that I am a work in progress and so is everyone else and expectations shouldn’t be so high. If I want to truly love people, I have to love them for who they are and encourage them to be the best they could be without judgement and with enduring patience.
I should treat them the way I wish to be treated when I’m not my best (right now with my croaking voice?, yep, not really).
So maybe I should crawl out from under the bed and seek to love them and just love them — blindingly.