December 17, 2010: Mr. Fairytale No More


“Love doesn’t strut,

Doesn’t have a swelled head,

Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
– 1 Corinthians 13:3-7

One of my favorite movies ever is A Cinderella Story.

I don’t know why but I absolutely love (loved her to the point of requesting for her prom dress to be my prom dress) Hilary Duff and Chad Michael Murray when he was still Lucas and before he got married to Brooke.

And despite my long list of favorite movies, this just takes the top spot (at least for today).

I guess this movie is an example of the way I used to see things.

To be honest, I want my very own Chad Michael Murray or at least James Lafferty (aka Nathan Scott).

You see ever since i was a little girl, I have been rejected so many times.

And it’s not some sob story okay. It just is. You see unlike my mother or my sister, I’ve never been mestiza– you know the type that Filipinos love.

I’ve always never been stick-thin and I’ve never been the really sweet, flirty type as well.

But even though I breathed dragon air when I was in high school, I secretly believed that a prince was waiting for me out there and he would take away all the years of tormented youth.

He was going to be the Austin Ames to my Sam Montgomery.

I know it’s a stupid and some might find it foolish, but it’s the desire in my heart so no hatin’.

I tried being casual too — but I was too scared to be just that.

I always thought that I’d get swept off my feet by “the jock” and live happily ever after.

Well, in my sophomore year… it was the captain of the basketball team who said that i texted way too much.

In my junior year… it was the thespian who said the nastiest things about and to me (this pattern was going to be repeated, believe me) and who never gave me the time of day (we have become really good friends though).

In my senior year… it was… wait, i don’t know who it was, but there was someone, I think it was the underclassmen who saw me as a big sister.

In college… it was the basketball player who reminded me of Nathan Scott who only saw me as my dad’s daughter.

When I started working… it was this really crazy person who everybody wanted because… but i wouldn’t get into that.

So you see my pattern, since I fell in love with fairytales when I was younger, I always assumed my prince to be a certain way (as you can see from the time of idioticity): popular, good looking, well-liked and yeah, smart, probably and yeah, he could go to church on Sundays, but why does that even matter?

And most importantly, since he was so popular he would make me popular and loved because out of all the girls he chose with me.

now if you’re a girl, believe me there’s some merit to this right?

and since, i’ve always been rejected, i’ve always thought that my prince would truly come to make up for all the heartaches i’ve had.

and i also secretly believed that he was going to be the number one “in your face” in my life.

you know that kind of “in-your-face” when all those other guys mentioned above see my profile picture they’d be sad that they didn’t think i was pretty enough.

but it’s been a year of transformation, quoting Francesca Battistelli, “this has been the hardest, the scariest, the most rewarding year of my life. I’ve known sorrow and I have known joy.”

and because of this, God has changed me, none of this I could credit to myself, because if I had my way, my dreams and my way of thinking has going pretty good so far. I mean who the heck wouldn’t want a prince?

but there is no humility in the things that i wanted and absolutely no basis.

let’s say that i finally meet the man of my dreams and along with my unnecessary baggage that i already had, i was now going to fall victim into depending on a man to make myself happy and for my self-worth. i was going to allow him and his beauty to manipulate me because in this fictional person, i found my worth.

depending on someone else to provide the things that only God can is plain stupidity and my head knowledge knew and believed in it, however, it was hard getting that idea from my head to my heart.

it took an experience for me to wake up from my dreamland.

and that one, i’m not ready to share yet.

but i’ve come to realize that i’m only praying for this someone because it follows the same pattern I had BC.

and now that i’ve let other parts of my life fall into place, this area i still haven’t let go of yet.

i still held on to that dream of my prince redeeming me without realizing that the ultimate prince already has.

Jesus has redeemed me and He has taken away every hurt, every pain and He has taken back all that has been said about me. And to him, to the prince of the world, I am precious, I am beloved.

and for Him, I didn’t have to pretend to know how to apply makeup, or spend ten hours in the gym so i’m made worthy of any of it.

in my own mess, i am beautiful and i am worthy and i can walk with a silent confidence knowing that He loves me.

and that is more than enough, that is all I need.

it’s a love i wish everyone would receive. it’s the kind of love that doesn’t make me look over my shoulder all the time, it’s the kind of love that makes me feel secure all the time, without thinking if I did anything wrong or said something stupid.

It’s the kind of love that assures me that all will be well, whatever the circumstances are. That He is leading me to where He wants me to be.

And if it’s in His will for me to meet a prince, I would fall in love with that person He has intended for me to be with for the right reasons, not because He’s popular, on TV most of the time or just something “of worth” in society.

He would be God’s best, nothing more, nothing less.

And until that time comes, I am resting in His grace and His love and in Him, I am more than enough.

Now, that’s not such a bad ending isn’t it?

Not at all.