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“yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior.” – Habakkuk 3:18
“Though he slay me, yet will I hope in him; I will surely defend my ways to his face.” – Job 13:15
Most of us hide behind the premise that we are “humble” and therefore couldn’t care less about power or importance, but most of the time we jack up our resumes and our credentials in order to be deemed important, or better than others.
We don’t do this because we wish to hurt other people, but in the world we’re living in, the number of degrees we hold, the money we have in the bank, the bag we carry, the parties we go to and our position at work says a lot about who we are, so since we want to be liked, we get lost in this game.
It may seem like a painful, unspoken reality, but the way we are treated by others is based on how much we earn and what we can do for them.
It is a tainted reality of the world, one of which that I do not subscribe to, which is why the demise of a part-time job bothered me greatly because to some extent, maybe I really did subscribe to it but had a holier-than-thou attitude about it.
I have not been unhappy in a really long time. I am known for being Little Miss Sunshine who finds a silver lining in every problem so when I couldn’t pick myself up after my self-imposed time to pick myself up, I started to panic.
I sing the songs and write blog entries about it and yet here I am wallowing.
In a way, I felt shameful because I didn’t think that I was allowed to wallow or be sad.
And yet, somehow I know this was some sort of self-imposed rule, that being perfect (as i’ve said a million times) is not a requirement in praising or loving Jesus.
That loving Jesus did not mean that there were no sad times or times of rejection, He said that there will be (John 16:33) but we can rest in the promise that He will be there with us no matter what.
It is inherently easy to shout “amen” when our “fig trees” are in blossom, but it is an entirely different thing when all of our prayers come back with a resounding, majestic “no”.
I like control. I like knowing why God said no to a specific prayer (which is prideful, yes) and I want to know what I can do to fix it. Yes, pridefully, I seek how I can remedy the situation without realizing that I am not the one in control.
When everything falls apart, I blame myself first and then try to find ways to correct a situation. I don’t allow myself to feel bad about the demise of something and instead I try to remedy it.
I don’t really know how to “stand still and let God be God in my life” which is really the lowest of all weaknesses if there ever was one.
But writing this blog entry is sort of like admitting to myself that yes, I am wrong and yes, I don’t have anything figured out but I should trust God enough to know that He will never lead me wrong. Of course, it is harder to say this on days that everything seems so bleak.
But I know that the rain will soon go away and the sun will come out and in His time, everything will fall into place.
In the meantime, I continue to praise Him, in the storm and the sunshine, because whatever happens, God is good and soon enough, His goodness will be enough to change my situation– or at least how I feel about it.