Going home from the gym is an experience in itself. For one thing, it takes me about thirty minutes to fully recover from the amount of time I spend in the ring trying to demolish my trainer (Trainer – 10 Me – 3) and doing as many squats as humanly possible (seriously though, why).
Tonight wasn’t any different. I limped home, took a shower, and lost track of time as I went through my nightly routine. Most of the time, thoughts just come and go without leaving much of an impact. However, tonight as I was putting on my moisturizer and trying to figure out if I should watch The Office or try out How To Plan A Murder a thought hit me: it’s already October.
This only meant two things:
1) I have about a month left to fully complete my Christmas shopping and
2) I have been in like with someone for almost a year.
And I could have gone to my immediate reaction: spite and endless why me / why not me questions. But instead (it could possibly be endorphins but worth trying still) I felt relief and surprisingly so, gratitude.
This year, to put it rather simplistically, was challenging. There was a lot of wrestling with my faith, wondering why I wasn’t getting my prayers answered, and most importantly, there was a lot of humbling experiences.
And as I went through the things I learned and the people who have helped me learn those things, I couldn’t help but realise that what I thought was the biggest, gravest mistake of my life turned out to be God’s greatest gift.
My heart was shattered this year. It reached a point wherein I could not for the life of me get out of bed in the morning. I was depressed and felt that I wasn’t good enough all the time. It was so difficult for me to grasp that I didn’t need anyone I had to prove my worth to. I was constantly comparing myself to the “better” girls he could get without realising that I was waging a war not just with myself but with other innocent women as well.
I was feeding the monsters of envy, anger, and insecurity all at the same time and it was my shattered heart that broke me back to reality. It was also the well-meaning words of friends and family, but I believe that it was really God who broke through all the walls I’ve built over the years. He was patient enough to guide me out of the hole that I fell in and slowly but surely I started to see the light.
I would love to tell you that things are perfect now. I would love to tell you that my story rivals that of every single Hilary Duff movie ever invented but the truth is is that it’s a Friday night and I’m writing on this blog. This would have killed me years ago but tonight there’s a different kind of peace that surrounds me. It’s not the way I want it to be but I’m resting in the truth of who God is and what He has for me.
Everything is set just right on His timetable and every experience, every heartbreak, and every rejection is setting me up for the greater days that He has ahead.
For a really really long time, I’ve felt like I was never good enough and I felt like I always needed to be something in order to be liked. But tonight, more than any other night before this, I feel okay with me and my dorky-ness, something I pretended to be comfortable with but never truly embodied.
It’s just tonight that I realize that it’s okay to not be liked by the one our heart desires – it doesn’t make me less of a person although some stigma have been put on being rejected. However, it doesn’t have to make me a negative person (the way that I have before), in fact, I should celebrate that bravery. To celebrate that part of me that was so brave to invest in the uncertainty of wanting someone who may never, not in a million years, like me back.
It may not happen anytime soon, but another lesson that I’ve learned is that I’d rather wait and be with someone who’s fully invested in me instead of constantly trying to prove that I am worthy enough to be with a certain people. It’s so devastatingly hard to keep trying to be someone just to be liked – nobody can last that long being someone else.
Someone once told me that when things are right, it will just fall into place and it will just be easy (meaning no hassle, no games, no whatsoever) and until easy comes, my own Friday nights will do.