If I didn’t love you like I do


According to John Maxwell’s “The Difference Maker”, in order to solve a problem you have to get to the root of it. That’s the only way that you would be able to move on and I think that the only way that I could finally stop all the binging and all the denying is if once and for all, I finally allow myself to move on and allow my heart to heal.

It’s been going on for six months and I think I could taste unrequited love even in the depths of my Cadbury Dairy Milk Bar. The bittersweet taste has become evident even in my most favorite things which mean that if I continue to allow it, it would slowly poison my life and my relationships.

And for the first time in my life, I’m actually enjoying the relationships I’ve built and I don’t want them ruined in a spontaneous attack of jealousy.

Unrequited love can come in many forms: a boy never returning the feelings of infatuation you’ve invested, the boy liking you but never quite falling the same time you did or the boy going against the fact that he could fall for you but decided against for reasons still unknown.

Or maybe the boy hasn’t found himself yet and that’s the reason why thinking of someone other than himself is completely foreign to him.

It remains unclear and trying to figure it out has been some sort of a burden which is why it’s better for me to leave it be.

Writing this entry is becoming more difficult because memories I’d rather run away from are resurfacing and it’s beginning to form a dark cloud above my head, but the day has been shitty anyway so why not end it on the same note just so tomorrow would be better.

I mean it this time I want my tomorrow to be better.

These are the logical reasons why I should move on:

1) Because I’m subsequently blaming GIO for everything that Henry* did which is unfair. Truth of the matter is, I don’t even like GIO.

2) Because I’ve been eating lots of chocolates

3) Because I cannot for the life of me concentrate on what I should concentrate on

4) Because my self-esteem has reached its all time low and it’s not funny anymore. All those “The Tyra Show” episodes have been flushed down the drain. The whole adage of “loving myself” before anyone could fully love me rings true. He cannot ruin what I spent my whole college life building.

5) Because my blog entries have been emo-filled and I don’t like being emo. No offense.

6) Because he doesn’t deserve me. Because if he does, he wouldn’t keep hurting me the way he does.


After that list I really don’t need to write anything else right? I feel a different sense of freedom now that I’ve let it all out. I’m sorry if my past entries have all been bitter laden. I didn’t mean them to be that way.

It’s just a phase and I’m about to out grow it. I’m no longer bitter really. I wish him well.

I wish he finds himself for his sake. He’s a sweet boy, if he wasn’t then my heart wouldn’t been wretched.

I should give myself more credit, it’s not that I fell head over heels ga-ga for him, there’s just something to be said about seeing someone you’re trying not to like every single day of your life. That makes the whole process complicated (remember Carlo?).

The moment high school ended, Carlo was nothing but a forgotten memory (as wonderful as you are). That’s my nature, I cling to familiarity. Above everything else I cling to the familiar instead of jumping into something new.

Gio* was truly the only one so far who pushed me out of my limits and forced me to try something new and exciting (okay, I admit, it was exciting) and I think it ended the way it did because Henry* still had that effect on me and I have to move on or at least forget about him because I owe it to the next Gios to come my way.

Henry should no longer be the guy that everyone else gets compared to.

So there tomorrow would be better.

Damn, when did growing up get so complicated? When was the last time that being friends with a boy was just that? Being friends with a boy?

*Names have been changed to protect the not-so innocent J