The word “emotionally unavailable” crossed my mind today more times than I could count. 

I used to be so raw about my emotions and used to be so trusting of people, however, lately I’ve been jaded in ways I have never been in my entire life. 
And while I constantly admired the cynical people of literature and movies, I have come to one conclusion: I don’t like to be jaded. 
Despite the many rejections and sad endings of hopeful beginnings, I don’t want to be that kind of girl.
i don’t want to be the girl who has become so dark and jaded that I no longer have room for sunshine in my life. 
I have become so fearful of the possibility of being hurt that I can no longer enjoy the good moments in my life. 
Turning over the dark side didn’t come with warnings. It was a silent creeper taking over days and judgement. 
I say it again, I don’t want to be that girl. 
I still want to believe in the good of people, I still want to believe the people, no matter how flawed are still good. 
I’m fearful that the girl who previously wrote optimistic words in this very blog is gone and replaced by a sinister who enjoyed collecting cats and always looked over her shoulder. 
I don’t want to be wired this way. I want to be strong enough to love, and most importantly be loved. I want to stop making excuses for pushing love away. 
My idealistic view of it is a big wall that pushes people away, and while I wish for people to be worthy of my attention and time, I don’t want to be constantly looking for mistakes. 
Life is all about transitions and as I transition into a new milestone in my life, I  could only hope to find the perfect balance between believing in the good, hoping for the best, and loving people for who they are. 
It’s time to let go of childish idealistic views but still keeping my childlike view of things. 
This entry earned more questions than answers but I’m hoping that as I go on, life would provide me with answers but until then, I keep walking.