Just Enough Light

 

I have been WAITING for something major since February 2019. I have possibly prayed every prayer, texted MY entire support group from Australia to Ireland (shoutout to you, eFam!), and just trusted that when the time came, the answer would be a resounding YES.

I waited with anticipation every week, constantly refreshing my inbox for that YES to arrive and here we are, two months later, and I am still waiting with no concrete answer.

It has been quite the journey for me – for anyone who knows my type A personality, you would know that I want things to happen and I want them to happen now. Waiting is painful for me because it challenges me to be still – that of which I cannot do.

This week, after days and days of waiting, I finally broke down and realized that this may not be for me, that no matter how much I have prayed and rallied for it, it is most likely a no and it absolutely destroyed me. I quickly went to the worst case scenarios and to be completely honest, it became a struggle of faith for me.

Suddenly, the world turned dark and I was out of options, completely hopeless. I was asking myself, “What is the point of this all?” and instead of thinking of options here on earth, I thought of another place I could be and how I could get there quickly. Saying goodbye to earth meant seeing Heaven and when you’re in a dark place, that is an appealing thought.

And yet, something in me persisted, a small silent voice told me that it was okay to reach out and ask for help and that I did, I quickly went to my eFam group (the community I have formed through Elevation Church) and boldly asked for prayers, pouring my heart out, and telling them that I needed some sort of miracle and divine intervention.

I thought that divine intervention would come in the form of the yes that I was waiting for but instead, it came in overwhelming peace inside of me that assured me that even if my life wasn’t anything like I imagined, God has not forgotten me.

And in a beautiful, Evan Almighty way, I saw God’s answers to my prayers.

The yes that I wanted did not come but He sent people who reminded me of the love He had for me. He sent prayers through my eFam group who overwhelmed me with love and prayers, He sent me strangers who out of nowhere suddenly talked about how good and gracious God is and how faithful He is to His children, He sent it through old friends who shared their love and appreciation, He sent it through a dear workmate who told me that my life had value and there was so much to live for, and most importantly, He sent it through my husband whose love is steadfast, strong, and unconditional. My husband has been my life’s greatest answered prayer – He has shown me a love that comes from God and I am grateful because that is exactly what I have prayed for.

Most times, we think God’s answers come in the form that we expect them to but this rarely happens only because God sees the big picture and we do not.

Maybe this experience wasn’t about the yes that I prayed for but more about what God was doing inside of my heart. That it wasn’t about the life change that I have been praying about but about understanding the importance of trusting God even when it hurts, most especially when it hurts. It is being overwhelmed with a sense of humility because God’s love remains even when we are unfaithful, even when we do not trust or we doubt His plans for our lives, He remains strong and steady, reminding us that He would never leave.

I have seen God in the big things in my life but I have been transformed by the little things that has affirmed His love for me. It is in the little moments of my life when I feel like giving up, it’s in the small, unexpected moments that I see His goodness and even though I do not know what is ahead, I just have enough light to take the next steps, and on most days, that is all you need.

Today, a newly found friend, Kasey, sent me a beautiful rainbow that she saw randomly today and with it, she reminded me that God’s promises are true and they still stand. And it absolutely tipped me over – God has been so gracious in the past few days but that was just a moment where I truly felt that I was loved and I was not forgotten.

I may have not completely healed from the yes I did not get but at least I have enough in me to fight another day and sometimes, that is truly all we need.

God has gifted us with just enough for today and that is truly all we need – tomorrow is another day and boy is that day worth fighting for.

I felt compelled to write this in the hopes of inspiring another who is experiencing what I experienced this past week – your life is worth fighting for, Jesus gave up His life so you can have an abundant one, and He has given us the strength to win, keep fighting, ask for help, your life is so valuable. You are loved and you matter. God has not forgotten you – there is beautiful beautiful joy ahead.

 

The LORD appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” – Jeremiah 31:3

 

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