Long before the term “blogger” was associated with fashion, followers, and OOTD, blogging felt like a meditation, a different world where people’s deepest thoughts were cataloged (lol, now we have Thought Catalog but beside the point). Since the internet wasn’t readily available a good 10 years ago (!!) and google search wasn’t on top of things yet, the internet with all of its bloggers felt like a place where people hid and were given the freedom to be completely who
they were.
When I started my first ever blog in 2004, I was an overdramatic 16 year old who overdosed on novels, chick flicks, and One Tree Hill. My head was in the clouds for the most part of Calculus and was always dreaming of that “perfect” story we’ve all coined in our heads. While I do regret being overly dramatic when I didn’t need to be, I don’t really resent it simply because it was that melodramatic side of me that encouraged me to write.
Ten years later, blogging has taken an entirely different turn. Suddenly, it was no longer an avenue to express what one was currently feeling (why do you feel so much? Why must you share your feelings with the world?!) but has turned into someone’s own empire. It has been an avenue of creativity, and such a beautiful tool in getting talent out there and making people known.
I started this blog in a vain attempt to share my misadventures. Every single emotion that has been translated into words and poured into these virtual pages have always been from the heart. Whenever I felt frustrated about something or someone and I couldn’t verbalize what I was feeling, I turned to this blog in the hopes that that person would get to see what was going on in the sometimes chaotic head of mine. While some may be quick to say that social media allows us to put on a mask, I’ve stuck to my guns and wrote what I was feeling – regardless of how it made me sound.
That being said (rather lengthily), this blog of mine has witnessed so much about my life in the past ten years. Seriously, when the time comes that I start dating, all the guy has to do is google search me and in an instant, he would have my heart in his palm (Disclaimer: Please don’t. Allow me to tell my story in a way that only I could today, my blog is of my past self, you fully have my present. NAKS!!! So get off my page!).
Today was a milestone.
But unlike what I expected it to be, it didn’t come with fireworks (hey, a girl can dream!), nor did it come in the way that I wanted it to. The only way I could explain it is through this quote from Evan Almighty (I know, I know, where I get my wisdom from is so outstanding):
“Let me ask you something. If someone prays for patience, you think God gives them patience? Or does he give them the opportunity to be patient? If he prayed for courage, does God give him courage, or does he give him opportunities to be courageous? If someone prayed for the family to be closer, do you think God zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings, or does he give them opportunities to love each other?”
Without going into the details, I have been praying for something for the longest time. It’s something that my heart has desired for a very long time (even as long as I have kept this blog), and there were times when I almost had it but it turned out to be nothing like I expected it to be.
I’ve never been the same person since 2008, there were times that I’d see her and say hi to the optimistic person that I was, but for the longest time I built extremely high walls that ended up hurting other people, and myself. I was angry and bitter for the most part. I was closed off, and took no risks. The little things offended me. I was in a bad place, but nobody saw it because I never dared to open my eyes to the pit that I was in. I was trying, believe me, I was. But it wasn’t enough simply because I just kept putting a band aid on the affected area without healing it completely.
But today, for the first time since 2008, I finally felt that I have fully moved on from that dark place. It took a good while (my good friends are probably saying, dammnit, finally!), but I’m here and I don’t regret the journey.
Early into 2014, I thought once again that finally that prayer was going to be answered, and it was, but once again not entirely in a way that I wanted it to. But as cliché as it may sound, it was exactly what I needed. I have come to realize that for the first time in five years I took a genuine risk and while it didn’t turn out the way I expected it to, my reaction was proof of me being completely healed. I didn’t flip out, become bitter, or even turned to what used to be my favorite activity: self-pity. And it feels awesome. It feels awesome to just let life happen, and accept it for the way it is.
I still don’t have everything I want at this moment, but that’s okay. Because I got my feet wet, and I didn’t break down, in fact, it gave me a little more confidence and opened my eyes to the reality of the situation. There are certain things that are not in my control, and that’s okay. That sometimes things just don’t work out, but it doesn’t mean because I don’t deserve it but because simply because God has another story for me, something better than anything that I have asked for, or even imagined. I just have to learn to trust the greatest storyteller of all and believe that He knows what He is doing.
But for now, I’ve let it all go and believe that truly, the best is yet to come.
Are you ready bloggy? More awesome things ahead, thanks for keeping up with grumpy and sad me, now it’s time for a change.
About time, huh?
