My husband and I have been married for almost three months. Just yesterday, we also celebrated our three month work anniversaries. To a lot of people, it might seem like a state of pure bliss– marrying the love of your life, pursuing your dream job, engaging in hobbies while still managing to remain polished and gracious at all times.
I’d hate to break it to you but my days look nothing like the beauty of my new blog (it’s so grown up and sleek, so in love with it!). In fact, from the time I got married and started at my new job, I could no longer count the number of times I sobbed and felt like the world was closing in on me.
In the rare times I was alone, I felt extremely overwhelmed with the changes in my life. It’s not that I don’t like the life I have been blessed with or grateful for the answered prayers but it’s more like the anxiety over a new life.
Many of my thoughts are too personal to discuss with anyone or to even pen down. I liken the dark days to what a mother feels after giving birth, you feel excitement over a new event and yet a little sad and anxious about a new chapter.
It’s the thought of being pulled into a million and one directions and satisfying the responsibility of being a wife, an employee, a daughter, a sister, and a friend. I often felt depleted at the end of the day, forgetting that I was allowed to breathe.
After long hours of analyzing and prayers, I’ve come to realize that maybe the dark thoughts stem from the thought that this is it.
What is slowly bringing me out of the dark cave that I retreat to every so often is the fact that even if my last name has changed, who I am as a person has not been tainted. I am still the same determined, go-getter that I have always been. For women to be limited just because they’re married or a mother is disheartening at the very least and discouraging at best.
Marriage is a beautiful, wonderful thing. There’s a joy that comes with waking up next to the love of your life and a peace knowing you no longer have to face your demons alone.
But marriage is not the end goal.
People say that marriage should stop a woman from pursuing her dreams and being her own person but that’s an outdated concept.Marriage is not a plague either, it’s simply a status but it ultimately doesn’t define me. It’s not an achievement either or a golden badge, it simply is what it is: being with the person you love.
But we’re still individuals. My husband is allowed to pursue his dreams as I continue to plot my own Beyoncé domination. We grow our own lives and who we are individually so we can add more depth into our marriage.
Marriage is the beginning of even greater adventures and a new season which prunes us to be a better version of ourselves in humility.
There is nothing like love to break open a prideful soul and I welcome all that God intends to do as I enter a season of both celebration and brokenness because in case you don’t know, both are blessings meant to transform us into who God made us to be.
It also reminds me that ultimately whatever the season, the only true satisfaction comes from knowing who God is and through Him, we find our peace.