Have you ever had that feeling of having like ten thousand butterflies relased in your stomach?
I have been having that feeling all day long. I also feel like throwing up and crying all at once which is really the craziest thing I have ever experienced. I have had the weak knees before and the whole world stopping but this feeling is sensational.
Extremely weird and scary at the same time. It’s as if I want to cry and explain whatever this feeling is but I can’t. There are goosebumps all over my body and I really want to tell people about it, but again, I can’t. I don’t want to jinx it (knock on wood), neither do I want to tell people about this so called stupidity. It’s so far from the truth that I don’t want to depend on it but I can’t help it.
Not that it’s a bad feeling because it’s not. But I am not the type to depend on such things. I’ve always been realistic and this is so far from who I am and my beliefs. When it comes to my feelings, I easily get dissapointed. This too shall pass, I know that. But it’s good to write about these things and look back when I finally have my insanity back. But, I tell you, this has been my most genuine entry yet about these specific topic. I always try to stay away from it.
***
As I was going about my daily alone time, I got this fascinating realization about music. I just came to realize that in as much as I have nothing in common with the gods of Hollywood, I actually have on which is music. It’s so surreal to think that the Leonardo DiCaprio could be possible enjoying Dave Matthews Band like me. I guess you get the picture. It’s not really such a big thing but ohwell, it can still make me tingle, you know?
***
I was walking to my International Marketing Class earlier and I was quite surprised to not find that malignant feeling of dread in me. I was walking slower and I was no longer looking at my toes as I was walking. That was the way that I used to walk. Suddenly, I could go about without thinking, “Gad, do I look like a dork in this?
I finally shrug off the feeling of not being perfect enough, not being nice enough…
I was suddenly out of the Lion’s Den that I made for myself. I am finally living in a world that I approve of. I got sick of trying to figure out why people say nasty things about me, why my so-called friends left me and turned thier backs on me and why I don’t have a boyfriend.
I just got tired of thinking of such things and decided to live.
Ths doesn’t mean that I’ll be hanging out at some bar and drink myself to capulate the whole live thing, this world has got things twisted, you know?
I just want to think of the ones that I love and who for some foreign reason, love me back.
I just want to live again.
The dead feeling is finally gone.
