So I’ve been a drama queen lately.
And i’m not overanalyzing it or exaggerating here, i’m telling the truth. In the past four months, I have no idea who I have become.
When I stepped out of my Tagaytay experience, I promised myself that I would learn to love people more and be less judgemental. I guess it’s always easier said than done because the moment I had this resolution of turning my life around and sticking a lifestyle that was selfless rather than self-centered, life hurdles my way that completely tests me and extremely pushes me to my limit and I won’t be a hypocrite, I turned into a monster.
You see, before you truly understand who I have become, you have to understand where I have been.
I’ve always been the meek daughter and the sister who always gets pushed around. Being the middle child, I’d like to believe that this is a syndrome that a lot of people can relate to. I’ve always thought that it was better to not say anything and keep it all bottled in.
I guess in my adolescent mind, it was the best way to go, I thought that if I keep it bottled up inside, it will go away on its own.
But, somehow all the years of bitterness inside of me has festered and instead of letting it out and letting it go early on, I chose to let it fester. Partly because I really didn’t know what to do with it, so I just let it sit there.
And now, it found a way to seep out of my heart, but not at the best way possible.
I must admit, I was a bit immature in the way I handled things and there are better ways to handle specific situations.
There’s no way justifying it, but I guess you can put the blame on me being non-confrontational my entire life. I used sit in a corner, cry to myself and write in my journal.
I used to think that not facing specific situations meant that the situations would go away and that’d be the end of it.
But you know it finds a way to ruin you and for the past four months, it has gotten to the core of me and it has found a way to ruin special relationships in my life.
The thing is, I used to be a people pleaser and trying to please everyone by being who they wanted me to be, which, if you haven’t tried it, is difficult because at the end of the day, you’d look at yourself in the mirror and not like who you’re seeing.
I think the first step to realizing that you can get better is realizing that you have a problem.
So you know, I think it comes with accepting the fact that I can’t be perfect all the time.
It gets so tiring to want to be perfect all the time. I guess I’m just realizing that I’m beautiful, flawed and all, that I’ve made some random mistakes that may have hurt people that I love, but they probably don’t know that they hurt me ten times over.
I wish they knew how sorry I was, but I hope they understand, that deep down, the difficulty lies in forgiving myself.
Once a perfectionist, always a perfectionist! Which can be a good trait, but at times, such as now, it can be unnerving and can totally break you apart.
I know life gets better from here. You get hurt and you heal. Cycle of life.