Josie Gellar in one of my most favorite films ever Never Been Kissed once said, “In order to become a good writer, you have to write what you know.”
From the moment I began writing both in the personal and professional sense, I have always tried to write what I know and in order for my writing to improve, I needed to expand what I knew.
I have been trying to write my own version of The Happiness Project for about a week now and if you know me, a week is a long time and can only mean that I have lost interest all together.
As I tried editing it, I couldn’t quite seem to find the “pull” to finish it. There was no inspiration and I kept on wondering why I started it in the first place.
I don’t know the main gist of this entry, but I haven’t written just to write in a long time and it is important for me to do so.
The first five months of 2013 wasn’t a walk in the park and while my younger self may constantly rehash what happened, adding a few spices of emotion to make the story exciting, my older self refuses to do so. What’s the point of going over stories that make you sad or betrayed or worse, depressed that often leads to binge eating (oh how I wish it lead to binge exercising instead!)?
That’s right nothing.
You don’t have to be the victim in your story but the hero. Meaning you don’t have to constantly have to tell the story in order to get people on your side.
And while it is no longer vital to go down roads that have hurt, it is quite important to remember the stories — for this is the reason why stories are told — to share stories learned from both the big and small historical stones of our past.
As I type in the words for this entry, I may have finally found its purpose: tying lose ends & remembering the lessons in order to make the hurt worthwhile.
It’s always easy to feel like the victim and while it may be true that people may have hurt me (whether intentional or not), carrying around baggage of anger and bitterness is too much to bear (click similar entry here).
But why do we cry as if we don’t have any control over our lives? Why do we crumble thinking that we’re trapped and couldn’t find a way out?
In the beginning of 2013, I thought I had it all together. I thought I was in control and I thought that everything was going to go the way I planned it to be.
I have always been some sort of a control freak. I like being prepared and I like knowing to some degree what was going to happen to the future so I would not be shocked or surprised. There was nothing spontaneous about me at all and I thought I had it all figured out.
Safe to say, I didn’t.
The wise King Solomon once said, “Many plans are in a man’s heart but it is God’s purpose that prevails” and while I shout “amen” when I came across this verse, I didn’t exactly take it to heart until this year happened.
I had a blueprint for my life, but God had a different one. And while it may have taken a few heartbreaks and surprises for me to reach this new destination, I don’t regret the journey as much.
I won’t lie to you: the circumstances that surrounded the paradigm shift in my life was anything but neat. It was anything but clean and yet it was the push that I needed in order to get on with my life and live the life of my dreams.
God is amazing.
You see, I never really voiced out this particular dream to Him. It was just something at the back of my mind that seeps through whenever I felt disappointed about my previous career path and yet something I didn’t seriously consider until my back was pushed against the wall. I thought I didn’t have what it takes to fulfill that dream so I kept it hidden in the deepest recesses of my heart.
I have never been much of a risk taker. I have always wanted to be sure of what I was getting into and I was always on the safe side. Some may say that this was a type of defense mechanism on my part — that I wanted to be prepared just in case I was going to get hurt.
Well truth is life isn’t clean cut.
The people who you thought would be there for you would one day turn their backs on you and while you may be angry at them, sometimes it’s just best to let it go. Yes, they have hurt you tremendously but that’s okay because you’ve learned valuable lessons you otherwise wouldn’t know about yourself.
That while this may encourage some to build walls, it inspired me to develop a tougher core ready for anything. I guess it is safe to say that I am no longer as thin skinned as I used to be.
Everyone dreams of a perfect life when they are younger: perfect job, perfect set of friends and basically a perfect life. But as you get older and you come across people who are rough around the edges (because they’ve been to different wars as well), you realize that there is no such thing as a perfect life and that no amount of rules could ever give you the perfect life.
The world is broken. People are broken and while focusing on that may bring you to the brink of depression, it can also be a source of hope: that while the world and the people in it maybe broken, it is still a place that is able to produce love in both small and big ways.
The love of Jesus’ can be seen in parents who go through everything to ensure that their kids live a life better than theirs, in an old couple who still hold hands when they cross the street and in the outpouring of help when other people are in need.
I’d like to think that the main reason why we are in love with movies and fairytales is because of the magic it brings. We are creatures who long for magic.
I, for one, have been looking for magic my entire life. I have always been enthralled by the Prince rescuing the girl at the end of the movie or the family who wins after going through several battles together or the high school kids who graduate from college when everyone said they couldn’t (yup, you got me, that’s from Coach Carter).
I love happy endings.
What I didn’t know was that happy endings weren’t perfect endings.
That while the Prince Charming whisked away the Princess, he wasn’t perfect, he wasn’t even close and the family that won the battle together didn’t include perfect people.
There is no map to the life we are living. There is no guide book and there definitely isn’t a one step formula to it.
I have been an idealist my entire life and while I don’t think I’ll be jumping into the realist boat anytime soon because I believe that if you search for pixie dust, you will find it, I am admittedly floating a little lower than I used to.
I am still definitely daydreaming but I am not one to go crazy or get mad at God when things don’t go my way. I used to be so neurotic about my life and how it should be.
He is the only magic we could ever truly need to the life we only once dreamed to be.