Paradoxical Love


Most of the time, we’re afraid. Afraid of what we’re not going to receive and afraid that we’re not being loved the way that we want to. We’re afraid to put ourselves out there out of the fear that we would never be loved as much as we love. 

If you’ve lived long enough to be hurt, you would find the need to put up unnecessary walls, thinking that until a person proves that he (or she) is worthy enough of you, you wouldn’t allow yourself to budge. However, you would also understand that sometimes life doesn’t turn out the way that we want them to. Yes, we can try our best to hide behind our masks or deny what we really feel. We can even put out a list of reasons why we shouldn’t feel a certain way, but at the end of the day, the feelings are still there and the more we deny them, the more they prop up.

I no longer want to be the kind of girl who runs away just because I’m afraid that I won’t be loved in the way that I want to. I no longer want to be the girl who’s so small and fragile that she can’t accept something as ordinary as unrequited love. I want to be the kind of girl who’s heart is so big that it can love beyond people’s faults and unreturned affection. While this doesn’t mean that I will go out and be wild with just about anyone as some sort of late rebellion, this means that I will no longer try to shove all my feelings inside of myself.

Truth be told, I am an emotional person and when I feel things, I want to feel them until I am emptied of them. I no longer want to hide behind the shadows of pretending to be someone I’m not in order to be liked nor do I want to always be cautious of how I feel, only “giving” feelings to those who are worthy of them. Truth be told, how do we know if someone’s worthy or not? Is it because of their looks? Their crassness? Is it because of how they treat me?

Jesus once said that if we only love those who love us, we are just like everyone else in the world for it is easy to love those who love us but the most difficult thing is to love those who have done us wrong and have hurt us, whether intentionally or unintentionally. I want to stop being so afraid of what I feel and I also want to stop waiting on life. I want to love until I couldn’t (which, through Jesus, maybe impossible). I want to feel everything without the threat of pride or without thinking of my ego.

I don’t think it’s the worst thing in the world to not be loved back. We have placed so much importance in what people do for us that we forget that we love in order to serve and not be served. This has been in my heart for quite awhile and the message is still as strong as when I first hurt, and while I danced around it this week (pride may have been stronger), I still choose to love.

I choose to love, I choose to feel and I choose to serve and encourage others. The ones I choose to love may never love me back with the same kind of intensity, but I believe that God sees my heart and as I do it unto Him, one day, I will be surprised that all the love I’ve given has been given to me beyond measure, but until then, my heart is open, my heart is big, and I am happy.