For the past two days, I’ve been constantly writing and rewriting several drawn-out blog entries about all the negative things happening around my life in the past month and I think that is what caused my break-down last night.
I literally woke up in the middle of the night and without realizing it, I felt my heart tighten and everything turned to black. In a split second, with the lights off and everything around me so dark, I came to the point when I realized that I had so much hate and strife inside of me.
I once told myself that I was happy and that I have forgiven everyone, including myself for everything that has happened before me, but in reality, last night was a true testament of what was inside of my heart.
I’d like to believe that the darkness inside of me, just like everyone else, doesn’t make up the entirety of me, but last night, the pit in my heart made me think, “What if one day, I do wake up with nothing in me but darkness?”
I refused to go to work today, thinking that maybe my work environment is the reason why I’m so mad at the world. I guess it was the first time that I admitted, that maybe I am not happy with where I am at this point in my life.
Of course, my mother did not take any of my crap and insisted that I go to work today and here I am; a bit happier than yesterday, but what my life is truly calling for is joy and peace that I once had.
Somewhere along the beginning of 2009, I started to change my thinking that used to work well for me. I started thinking that when my prayers are answered and when I’m given a new job which is more comfortable, that’s when I’d be happy.
I know it will happen, I have faith and maybe, somewhere along the way, I have distorted my view in such a way that I’d only be happy if I was able to leave that level of comfort, especially with my job.
I don’t think that’s going to happen anytime soon, since I’m an overachiever and driven to the core. I don’t think there’d be a day when I think I have it go. I have this need to grow constantly, at that is good to a fault because when you’re never satisfied, you’re hardly contented and the Bible says a lot of things about contentment. I’m still figuring that out, I’ll let you know when I finally do.
So I realized the simple truth that you know, I cannot move forward without allowing myself too.
I can easily say that I can do whatever it takes to make myself happy and actually not do anything and stick to my old way of living so instead, I’m stepping up and doing radical changes in my life, slowly but surely (inspired by Bo Sanchez)
Beginning tomorrow, I will start doing the following:
1) Read two books a week, one for pure leisure and one related to Marketing, Economics, Advertising or the like.
2) Must work out every day, even just for ten minutes.
3) Count to ten before saying anything when in the state of panic.
4) Start writing again.
5) Strive to add a little something to your job, even if its undeniably difficult to do so.
6) Heal, slowly, but surely, heal.