the answer


anxiety attacks.

i’ve been getting it for the past three weeks and a half for reasons that i cannot fully disclose in my blog without sounding like a romping idealistic/delusional weirdo.

kidding aside, it’s been a tough couple of weeks, with a lot of messy things in between (the reason why I haven’t gotten into 365 that much) and all it took was a treadmill run and a cupcake date to make me realize what it was.

i’ve been reading Joyce Meyer’s “The Battle belongs to the Lord” and in it speaks of peace while waiting, peace during the in-between and if you really know me, i’m really ridiculously bad at waiting.

waiting is not my strongest suit, i have a lot of control issues as you can see.

but yesterday, i just let it all go.

but believe me if it was between me and God it wasn’t a beautiful letting go sort of thing, it was ugly. It was really ugly because I was tugging on to something that i’ve wanted for the longest time and it took awhile for me to finally let it go (probably because I ended up really bruised because I was trying to do something that I couldn’t on my own).

And before I reveal the answer to the question i’ve had for the longest time, I have to say this God is good.

His denial is not meant to hurt us and it takes awhile but we’ll finally get to a point of letting it all go because we know that we are not in control of anything, that everything in our life was ordained by Him and we would do a lot better if we simply learned to follow Him.

The Lord is dealing with my vanity and my reason for wanting things.

It’s so easily to be enthralled by something beautiful because it makes us beautiful, but there is really no depth under it.

And the funny thing is, I can be really ridiculous because I have been asking for it for the longest time but I don’t really know if i’d like what’s beneath the surface.

God was simply nudging me (in a really major kind of way) to stop thinking the way that has held me in bondage for a really really really long time.

For one thing, despite my flowery words and sentences, there are still some parts of my life that I want to beautiful just because it makes me beautiful.

That’s what God wanted to deal with and i could never do it without His grace, for it is only His grace that can change me.

I was still praying for someone for all the wrong reasons and I’m humbled that my God loves me enough, who is patient enough to set me aside, help me deal with it and give me an opportunity to start again.

That is all the answer I need.