The internal battle in my head


Ever since I was a little girl, I have been told how to act, how to react, how to respond to certain situations, what to do, and what is appropriate and how I should never ever call a guy under any circumstances.

Blame it on the culture or maybe you can just blame me because I refuse to get out of this box that society has placed me in and just step out to enjoy my life.

Two weeks ago, I received a very tempting offer that I’d rather not discuss in detail because its way too personal and private. The good girl in me refused at once but ever since I turned down the said offer, there’s this little voice has been nagging me inside my head and thus the beginning of a battle that has been torturing my head for fourteen days now.

Society tells me to stick to the paradigm that I’ve set up for myself ever since I was thirteen, but a bolder version that I didn’t even know I had in me started speaking to me and tricking me into this notion that I should be taking more risks.

I’ve always been the girl who would follow the rules (except for a moment of insanity in junior high where I refused to listen to my teachers, parents and any other adult), the girl who listens to her parents and refused to lie to them and tell them that you’re doing a project when you’re really in some boy’s car.

I’ve never been that girl and I refuse to be that girl. Simply because I know my worth, not that I have anything against girls who dare to be that way but it’s just not me, I just wasn’t raised that way.

But, I’m turning twenty soon and because I’ve always been cautious I’ve come to realize that I have no stories to tell. I have no adventures to tell my grandkids and no sweet whispers have been said in my ear.

Not that I have to have it. I’d like to think of myself as the modern independent woman who refused to be buckled down by a boy and his million and one rules!

It’s just that I haven’t lived my life lately. And according to a friend I met two weeks ago, I have to learn to step out of this box that I’ve lived in for the longest time and try something new.

To start taking risks and start breaking the rules.

I haven’t made a decision yet although I think I’d face another challenge tomorrow.

So wish the geek luck.

20 in eight days!