i’m sitting in an empty office with nothing but train in the background, a half empty yakisoba cup and my reliable nike water bottle.
my adorable student, josh just left and it’s going to be two hours before i meet with my next student.
somehow, the situation, ironically, explains my life now.
a lot of waiting, a lot of in betweens, a lot of happiness in the empty spaces.
i’m turning 22 in a week and two days. i cannot believe that i’m turning 22 in a week, for one thing i never imagined myself as a 22 year old.
in my head, 22 meant that you were living it big, had an adorable husband and have life figured out.
truth is, you never quite figure it out. you get through life one day at a time and sometimes, one day at a time is all that you can handle.
i just read all the blog entries i made during my birthday in the past five years and some of them just make me laugh, some still brought tears to my eyes because i knew how difficult it was to write some of them. i also realized that if i met my younger self today, we might have not a lot of things in common.
i was reading “the prayer that changes everything” by stormie omarion and in one of the chapters, she said that God has a habit of creating things out of nothing, just look at the creation!
and looking back at the five years of my life i can’t help but feel so blessed that God picked me up from the riot that was my life and placed me to where He wanted me to be.
the greatest thing about the past year is learning that my self-worth is not dependent on people, boys or my job– the very same things that used to define me.
it’s slowly peeling off who i’m not to make room for who i am. it’s surprising to know that despite shedding all my other personas, there are still people who love me for me.
the past year felt like the longest year of my life, with so many changes and losses in between, it was definitely a rollercoaster ride one gutted with emotions, tears and laughter.
there were a lot of lonely times and the funny thing is, during those lonely times i was surrounded by people i held on for dear life.
i’ve always depended on other people to make me feel good about myself, but finally i let all of those go, in order for me to truly depend on Him, the One who gave me life, the One who has a purpose for me.
suddenly, all my worries and fears are pointless. suddenly, it doesn’t matter what people do or don’t do for me, because it doesn’t really matter.
i now understand that all the good things in my life come from Him, the people in my life, the people who make me smile and the people who love me, they’re all from Him so i don’t depend on people, i depend on Him because He has total control of my life.
and for the first time ever, everything feels right.
i know life isn’t going to be perfect just like in the movies or TV shows, but it’s better because i now understand that i was designed for His purpose. Suddenly life doesn’t seem to be out of control anymore, not because i have total control over everything but because i finally handed over my life and everything in it to the One who crafted me.
and because of this sheer, blind faith, i no longer feel alone simply because i know i’m where i’m supposed to be, that i don’t need to hold someone’s hand to make me feel good about myself.
no more looking back. it’s definitely a month of new beginnings. 🙂