“I’ve been looking for love in another’s eyes
Searching for water, but I come up dry”
– You, Britt Nicole
It has been awhile since I spent a good amount of time worrying about someone, worrying about what I said to someone and worrying about how i looked while talking to that person.
If you’ve been a teenager once in your life, you know the context of what i’m talking about, it has been awhile since I’ve truly liked or crushed someone.
With the exception of Mr. Schue, who I will one day marry, there hasn’t been anyone in my mind for quite sometime now.
And no, that doesn’t make me a saint and I don’t mean to sound hypocritical, because there are random guys that I find cute, however, they no longer occupy my mind 24/7.
if you have known me long enough, you would know that Carla is boy crazy. If i didn’t confess that I was in love with a guy, i had a crush on one.
it wasn’t a pretty sight and it was downright annoying (seriously, if i see old carla hanging around, i would kick her pretty hard) because it was pretty stupid for her to be concentrating on one thing.
again, writing this post does not mean that i no longer find guys attractive because i do, but these days they are no longer the center of my world.
and i don’t think that a relationship would complete me the way i used to think before.
you see, i was blinded and since we are told lies every single day without even knowing it.
Sweet Valley, Baby Sitter’s Club, Fairytales– they all tell the lie that without someone special, without someone loving us, we’re incomplete.
And maybe there is some truth to this: there’s a truth to the fact that without someone loving us, we would be incomplete, but the truth is, that someone is not a boy, not a human being like me.
It’s our Father.
Sometimes we forget that we’ve been bought at a high price and more often than not, we try to look for our security in someone else and this gets trickier, because once we find our joy in someone else, and when we’re made complete by another person, we lose ourselves and sense of worth.
So what happens when that person decides that it’s inconvenient to stop loving us?
Well, we fall apart and since we’ve lost our sense of self along the way, what’s left?
And we are made whole once again by another person who comes along. How many times have we’ve heard or even said the words, “I was so broken and he made me whole.”
Right now, those words are venom, simply because it’s extremely dangerous to put our trust into a person. It’s very dangerous to measure our sense of self worth in a person because that person is not perfect (refer to previous blog entry: lesser beings) and that person will hurt us at one point.
Also, love cannot be demanded so even some jerk promises that he’d love us forever, without maturity and if it is not in God’s plan for your life, it would fall apart, what happens to you then?
I think the important thing that most of us don’t understand is that without Jesus in our lives, we would always be broken and we would always try to find our happiness in someone else.
It would be a deafening cycle.
I believe that if it’s in God’s time, relationships can be wonderful, since we were made for them but when it’s against His will and when He’s not in the core of a person, it can become messy.
And if there’s one thing I know about it’s this: placing your hope in one person and hoping against hope that this is the person that would complete you and this is the person that would make up for all the pain you’ve endured in the past.
Thing is the desires are not wrong.
But the directing of those desires towards a human being means that we don’t get supernatural healing because we’ve entrusted our wholeness into someone broken too.
Two broken people do not make a whole, no matter how many crappy songs are sung to you.
I bumped into someone who used to be special to me. The same person who broke my heart on the second date alone and to be liberated from the thinking that I have to have that person in order to be complete is probably the best feeling in the world.
It’s beautiful to know that God has transformed my heart to want nothing but what He wants for my life. And to depend on that and to allow that to be my joy has truly made me whole.
And it all honesty, i wish for nothing less but that best for the people that i have in my life. <3