a whole lot of ramblings, but this has heart. trust me.


“It’s just that I didn’t want to be somebody’s crush. If somebody likes me, I want them to like the real me, not what they think I am. And I don’t want them to carry it around inside. I want them to show me, so I can feel it too.”
This weekend without realizing it, i have been sucked into the relationshit drama again and none of which are my own. Seriously, I love the fact that my friends run to me for advice, but really, am I the best person to ask? I appreciate it though.
But somehow I don’t appreciate this, “I can’t live without this person. I gave up my pride, my ego for this person and this is how this person repays me?”
It drove me crazy partly because I haven’t had a relationship conversation in a really long time and for the past months, unless it’s related to enrollment projection, my educ unit subjects, the latest book i’m reading OR mandarin then it really doesn’t interest me (or in reality, i don’t have the time to allow it to interest me).
I don’t want to be mean, the conversation was good, but seriously, there’s gotta be more to life than just being entirely dependent on one person.

And i’m not saying this to be negative or bitter or cynical. I’m saying it because it’s a fact and a way of life. Don’t get me wrong, it must be wonderful and great to have someone at the end of the day or someone who loves you because of you, despite messy airport hair and ugly eyeglasses.
It must be wonderful.
BUT my life doesn’t depend on it. And there are guys I like but I won’t marry them in an instant just because I want a good life- that I can do on my own. Also, what is up with these girls getting knocked up just because they want a guy to marry them. Why does every girl think that that is what will get a guy to behave? Seriously!
It gives girls a bad name.
Why don’t you just all get up, work your butt off and buy yourselves something that you like.
And the reason why we constantly lead depressed lives is because we’re constantly dependent on others for our validation. We want people to appreciate our looks etc and you know, it’s been so repetitive, it’s been such a cycle that it has become so boring.
This entire realization has just left a void and an emptiness in my heart eversince i got back and i’m not saying it to be emotional. I’m just simply stating a fact.
There’s this big beautiful world out there that’s waiting to be discovered. So much beauty. So much pain as well, but just so much of everything to allow one thing, one relationship and one person to stop us from living.
I don’t condone polygamous relationships either, but at this point I really don’t get sticking to just one person. I don’t get tying yourself down in a series of long-term/long-distance relationships when you can have an understanding with a person and yet no commitment.
I mean seriously, are you weak enough of a man?
And guys never take risks. Never.
And it’s kindda unfair to ask a person to give up everything, thier dreams and pretty much the freedom to live thier own life just because it makes me feel better.
That’s not what relationships are about.
Relationships are about allowing the person to grow and allowing the person to be able to live their life according to what he thinks is best for him and not what I think is best for him.
Let’s say that I decide to date this ultimately wonderful guy, who’s a good man and who won’t break my heart. I date him for two years but then since my life’s ultimate goal is to live somewhere else and the opportunity comes up then obviously, I won’t give that up just because I met a boy in the process. And I don’t expect him to give up his career either, especially it’s flourishing at the moment (not saying that I’m talking about a real person but you know whatever).
No strings. Fall in love, enjoy as much as you can then leave when you have to. I think the reason why most of us are control freaks and bitter and mad at the world is because we hold on to things and relationships too much.
If it’s given only for a time then so be it. Even if it’s just for four days. If that was the only time that it was meant to be a part of your life then you really cannot do anything about it.
I think we should make every day a new one. I mean seriously stop interlinking things from the past into today and just moving forward. Pray for miracles everyday then move on.
Thank God for what has happened but expect better things to come your way. I have no idea why I lost faith in the past couple of days when in fact He has been so gracious and He has been so good. Maybe it comes with the thinking that I don’t deserve it.
Truth is, I didn’t do anything to deserve it, but that’s how gracious He is. I don’t know why i keep insisting on doing something to deserve it when in fact, just by being His child alone, I already deserve. Just like you.