I was born makulit or to use a better more professional word, I was born persistent.

In other words, I don’t stop until I get what I want and also at the same time, I don’t really allow things to settle down (this may be the reason why i’m not such a good cook). I like to know everything that’s within my area of responsibility because I want to be prepared for all things.

Which safe to say is totally blase when walking with Jesus because most of the time, the plan is never known until it’s right in front of you and even then, there would still be questions – lots of them.

Another quirky (okay, probably annoying) trait of mine is my need to “mother” (the little s before that was not placed there for a purpose) so you see I basically suck at ‘mind games’ simply because I don’t believe in playing games with anyone. If I want to talk to you, I will make an effort to do so. However, I’m guessing that’s not the way the world works and not many people appreciate it, unfortunately.

What I have come to realize however is that it is not in my position to actually care as to whether or not it is appreciated. I have come to realize that the reason why I am disappointed about specific things is because I had placed (unrealistic) expectations when it came to approaching a person or a situation.

What I learned from reading John Ortberg’s book is not that we try extra harder to be liked but instead try softer. By trying softer, it means we do the best we can with the situation, we go ahead with what we think is right based on the Word and surrender the outcome to Jesus.

In a way, it also has a lot to do with confidence. To get up everyday and encounter different people on a daily basis takes a lot of courage and this courage could only result from our confidence.

Is our confidence based on our looks which can go away just by sitting through eight bars of chocolates a day? Or is t based on our job which really is basically placing our fate in another human being’s hand? Or is it based on the goodness of God in our lives which we can never lose no matter how bad we become?

Your guess is as good as mine.

As we try softer and try to not control everything around us, we realize that we don’t need to “push the river” so to speak because we know that the flow of the river is not dependent on us but entirely dependent on the One who created us. (Inspired by a quote of Richard Rohr that said “Faith does not need to push the river, faith is able to trust that there is a river)

When we try softer and when we become less rigid, we understand that we do need help from Someone higher than us to make sense of our lives.

We don’t try to analyze everything in our lives and the reason why specific people are not in it (guilty), instead we realize that it is not up to us to decide who gets to be in our lives because no matter how hard we try, people who are not ordained to be in your life will not be in it. It also places less pressure on us to try and ‘perform’ all the time.

Instead, it leaves a whole lot of room for trust and a lot of room spent in prayer because we understand that no matter how hard we try, if it is not God’s will for us it will not happen.

As we give ourselves a little break, we often give the people around us a break as well. When we’re not out to control every single thing in our lives we give people more room to be who they are and most importantly, we allow God to do whatever He wills to do in our lives.

And when that happens, we can rest happily at night because we are not slaving away for something that is obviously not ours to have. You see when something is meant to be, whether it is a relationship or a job, we don’t slave away nor do we work so hard to earn it. Whatever God has gifted us with simply flows and even if we’re extremely hard at work at it, it doesn’t feel like work because it feels so natural.

We don’t have to fight so hard for something that is meant for us. Yes, we take the steps necessary and most of the time those steps require a lot of faith and a lot of courage but we don’t even think twice about it because it feels so right. It feels like a gift and by all means do we go after it with so much joy in our hearts.

That’s what Jesus meant when He said He had a good life for us and I may be speaking to myself as I end this entry, but Jesus said that He has loved us enough and has given us all things so we shouldn’t slave away or hurt ourselves unnccessarily over people and things that were no meant to be in our lives in the first place. That we don’t have to try so hard to be liked because the right ones would like you even before you had your first conversation.

And this applies to all the areas of our lives.

So tonight, simply let it all go and try softer. Spend more time with Jesus instead of driving yourself crazy over something that you had no control over in the first place.

And yes, sometimes surrendering it to Jesus means letting go of a dream, one that we held so closely in our hearts, but understand that as long as you’re with Jesus, you are never short changed and you never get the shorter end of the stick.

As long as you’re with Him, you always ending up winning.

Photo Source:  http://blog.vyrso.com/2012/07/24/redeemed-from-the-wreckage/  Awesome blog entry about being redeemed in Christ!

In as much as I love John Mayer and his music, I was quite appalled with the way he broke up with Katy Perry over e-mail.

And it wasn’t just the medium he used, but what he told her.

Basically, she told her she was fat.

It may seem like a childish, juvenile remark that I dismissed the rest of the day but as I was preparing to go to bed, I realized that the situation hit way too close to home.

How broken can a man be that the only way to mend himself is to break other people as well?

In truth, verbal abuse and I don’t mean to belittle physical abuse because both are completely wrong, takes a longer time to heal because just when you’re about to heal, something reminds you of what has been said before and you’re back in square one.

I had hesitations about writing this blog entry because for me it comes across as too weak. However, if this blog entry could help even just one person, then showing my weakness was by all means worth it.

Thing is, in the past four years, I cannot name all the diets and workout routines that I have been on. I can also tell you how many ways I have tried to runaway from meeting people simply because I never thought I was deserving or skinny enough to be liked.

Ghosts continued to haunt me every time I met someone new, “You’re never ever going to be liked. You’re dreaming too big. Your waist is too wide. You’re not smart enough. You’re going to fail again.”
And I do take responsibility for it. I take responsibility for the fact that I allowed it to affect me for as long as it did.

I know that I am loved and on most days, I never even given the voices a second thought.

Today was not one of those days.

Today, I broke down and cried because I felt like I was a failure for not looking perfect enough. The pressure to look a certain way before being accepted was immense.

And then for the first time in four years (slow? yes?), I have come to question myself why I disliked/loathed myself this much.

Was it because of the way I allowed myself to be treated for two years? Was it because I allowed the comments to seep into my subconscious for two years after completely ignoring the fact that God told me that I am loved and that I am worth it?

Truth be told, I know that I am not the only woman on this planet to be told so many lies by men who are so broken that their main goal is to break others as well. Men whose egos need to be constantly stroked that they get a different kind of high when they manipulate, control and demean women. They do this so often that their other half is no longer recognizable.

My heart bleeds for these women simply because God never intended His princesses to be treated that way and you know what girls?

 You are not a victim, you have control over anyone who is in your life and you are not helpless. You have the power to stand up and say, “I’m not going to allow you to tell me how I should or should not feel about myself.”

It’s not easy. It took me a good four years to even realize that I’ve been damaged way beyond recognition. The kind of damage that twisted my thinking, a damage so deep that I didn’t even realize it was happening.

For four years I have been maligned to think that I would never be good enough for anything. I didn’t have it in me to be loved (biggest lie on earth) nor was I good enough to actually be something in life.

What I didn’t realize is that that person needed me to be small so he can remain big. He needed me to be small so he can maintain his control over me. A good two years after, he still has control over me because I see his face in every guy I meet and every time I look at myself in the mirror. His shadow was constantly there telling me I would never amount to anything. That he was the thing in my life worth something.

As I write this, I am thanking God that He saved me from that person. And I truly have no ill feelings towards him, I only wish him well, I wish him healing so that the cycle no longer continues.

At the same time, I continue to pray that I see myself the way God sees me and this is not meant in an arrogant manner.

I wish to see myself the way God sees me because I know that once I do, I break the cycle. I break the cycle of hurting other people so I feel good about myself. When I learn to fully love myself and accept my flaws will I only be able to love others for their flaws and mistakes as well.

Also, when I learn to love myself and learn to depend on God for everything, I no longer seek out for approval or love from other people, instead I find ways to love and make them feel good about who God created them to be.

It won’t happen overnight, but I’m determined to see it happen by the grace of God. I know that with him, all things are possible.

It’s time for me to step into the goodness of God and it’s time for YOU to know that you are valuable, you are loved and Jesus went through SO much to heal you and complete you. Don’t allow anyone to take God’s joy away from you.

His joy is rightfully yours. Nobody supplies you with that joy because God has given you more than enough of it.

It is HIS joy that strengthens us, no one else’s.

And it may seem like a bonus, but I am looking forward to the day when someone will see me the way God sees me. That that person will not look at me and judge me based on what I do or the way I look but will love me simply because I am me.

And I wish the same for you.

And I know that this is not wishful thinking.

Stop thinking that you don’t deserve a love like that because YOU ABSOLUTELY DO. You deserve a love that treats you like a princess because that is the way God sees you.

Until then, rest in the beautiful promises of God and rest in knowing that even on your own you are worth to be celebrated and you are worth a lot in God’s eyes.

Let go of what’s holding you back and move forward into what God has for you, trust me whatever you’re holding on to has nothing on what God has prepared for you.

Cheer up beautiful. YOU ARE LOVED. And no, God did not create you to be small. He created you to make a difference so get out of that relationship and be the person God intends you to be.

Through His strength, you can do all things. 

“Don’t be afraid, I’ve redeemed you.
    I’ve called your name. You’re mine.
When you’re in over your head, I’ll be there with you.
    When you’re in rough waters, you will not go down.
When you’re between a rock and a hard place,
    it won’t be a dead end—
Because I am God, your personal God,
    The Holy of Israel, your Savior.
I paid a huge price for you:
    all of Egypt, with rich Cush and Seba thrown in!
That’s how much you mean to me!
    That’s how much I love you!
I’d sell off the whole world to get you back,
    trade the creation just for you.”

– Isaiah 43:2-4

It has been awhile since I wrote a truly meaningful and personal blog entry. 

There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind. – CS Lewis

“No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.” – Philippians 3:13

“Your success depends on the favor of God in your life!”

– Pastora Mylene Evangelista, New Life The Fort

As I write this, New Life The Fort’s Podcast about Qara: God Moments of Favor (if you haven’t subscribed to the podcasts of New Life The Fort, please do me a favor and do so… now!) and I couldn’t help but cry a bit as I listen and shout my own muffled amens to what Pastora Mylene Evangelista is sharing.

But before I get ahead of myself, allow me to begin this entry.

I have a lot of fond childhood memories but my favorites would always consist of Play Dough simply because my mom, the ultimate OC dislikes the mess it creates at home.

So whenever we had the chance to play with play dough, I would always squeal in delight (still do?!) and pour myself over the different patterns and molders that came with the brightly colored clay. I would spend hours playing with my classmates and thinking of what to create next.

This particular memory came to mind while listening to the said podcast simply because as we all know, we are the clay and God is the potter.

However, no matter how many times I sang the song in high school, I never quite understood until now.

I guess God answered the random questions in my head last Thursday.

As I watched the final episode of One Tree Hill, I found myself crying, wondering really where did the last seven years of my life go? I was crying not because I feel like my life is a mess right now, but I was crying because I remembered how hopeful I was of my life when I was 17, crying over yet again another episode of Tree Hill.

I knew in my heart that things were about to get better and at the back of my mind, I knew that God was making all things work together for my good.

It’s amazing to think that life never turns out the way we imagine it to. On most days, I think of it as a cliche, but on days such as this one, I have never believed in any statement more than I believe in that one.

I used to be cynical about it, always thinking that maybe I was going to end up doing something I detested and end up with a thousand cats alone when i’m sixty.

I guess that was before I truly believed in my heart that My God, My Daddy God loves me and cares about the things I care about, no matter how minute they may seem. To be reminded that our God loves us so much that He is the one who makes a way for us to meet specific people (Erik Spolestra, will I meet you soon?) and be in specific places at exactly the right time.

As I listen to the podcasts which reminds us that no matter how smart we are, how rich or how powerful we are, we will not be fulfilling what we were created for unless we given up our dependency on all those things and know that it is God’s favor that causes us wealth and success.

And it is God’s favor that brings us to where we want to be.

There is a different kind of peace when you know that God has you where He wants you, it is a peace that cannot be replaced by the material things in the world.

It is the kind of peace that comes with the assurance that you are doing what you were born to do, with the people you were meant to be with.

As I look back on the times I have tried to “mold” myself into something that I thought would make me happy, I cringe a bit, because I absolutely had no idea what God had for me and how limited my thinking was.

But as I slowly (and sometimes painfully) let go of relationships and dreams that I knew my Creator did not agree with, not because they were bad in general, but only because they were not what He had in mind when He created me, I opened myself up to the possibilities that God had for me from the beginning.

And as I write this, I believe that you reading this entry is also a “God happening” in action. That it is by divine intervention that you stumbled upon this blog and I want to remind you that:

You are loved. You are cared for and no you have not reached a dead end. God is simply preparing you for the bright things He has for you. No matter ho much you want to give up, believe that you are meant for more and believe in your heart that hey maybe today could be the last day you feel this way.

God is always in charge and He is faithful– He was not lying when He said that He will never leave you nor forsake you.

That broken dream or relationship may leave you crying for a bit, but believe me when I say that one day, you will look back and realize that it was all part of a grand plan.

So cry a little, but smile afterwards, because things will start turning around for you. The plan is falling  accordingly, all you have to do is have just a little more faith.

The right time at the right place.

Nobody but God can lead you to those prized encounters. 

So drop everything else, give it all to Him and see how wonderfully He works in your life, not because you deserve it, but because He loves you and wants you happy.

So pray and believe that September is YOUR month and God has filled its days with miracles and answered prayers.

There’s only so much in our lives that we can control.

If we only let go of our pride, we would realize that the major events in our lives are bigger than we are and must be orchestrated by someone smarter than us.

And in truth, Someone does hold everything in His hands– God.

So whatever it is that you’re waiting for– let it go.

In the right time, God will make the pieces fall the way that they should.

So stop struggling. Stop being ashamed of the things that make you weak.

Give it all to Him and once you do, you will see that in your weakness, God proves Himself strong.

God will make a way for you and His way is better than our most meticulously planned blueprints.

Have courage knowing that God will never ever leave you and will never cause you harm.

Whatever it is that you are going through right now and whether you feel God’s presence or not, please hold on.

Don’t you ever give up because God is always with you, regardless of what you feel or what you don’t feel. God’s love for you is not dependent on how you feel, it is dependent on who He is and what His word says about Him.

Also, God’s goodness is not dependent on your circumstances or where you are right now. No matter how dark the situation, believe that God has something great for you in the future, so don’t give up. Don’t miss out on what was meant for you in the beginning.

God is faithful. God is stable. God is able.

Keep going.

There are a lot of things that anger me.

But I should know better than let my anger get the best of me, however, it does lure its head every once in awhile.

Actually, anger in itself isn’t a bad thing, however, our reaction to anger is.

Out of impulse, anger can be extremely dangerous, which is why it must be dealt with accordingly.

For several years, I had difficulty in dealing with my anger outbursts and its consequences and there were also years wherein I just held all my anger in, which wasn’t healthy as well.

Most of the time, anger roots from a deeper wound that has not properly healed. Once the main issue is handled, we will also see how easier it is to deal with anger in a healthy manner.

A friend reminded me earlier that at the end of the day, all it takes is respect.

Respect for another who maybe the exact opposite of who we are, and just like what Jesus exemplified, live a life of love and yes this love takes the word “regardless” very seriously.

I can only pray, through Christ, that love overpowers anger and my belief of what I think is right (which may be skewed) on any given day.

I go by a lot of names: Carla. Teacher Carla. Bia. Bianx. Ms. Carla. Dork.

But my most favorite one is: NANA.

It all started in the park when we were toddlers, the prettiest girl got to wear the crown while the other girls became her maiden.

The boys had no problems at all. They were all cops or soldiers and they managed to play together without thinking of who had the prettiest sun dress.

As we got older, the scenarios changed but the essence stayed the same, there could only be one belle and the rest placed second, third, fourth and so on.

Now, I’m not saying that boys don’t compete, THEY DO, but most of the time they don’t stand in the mirror wondering who was the “swaggiest” (had to!). They got into literal competitions like sports, science fairs (my favorite kind) or fist fighting at the back of the gym. They get to decide.

With girls, it isn’t quite as simple. We primp, we starve and purse our lips in attempt to become more beautiful than we are. Because of the latest technology, we also filter and photoshop ourselves into social networking perfection.

I just wonder, however, if the likes we get on our photos or the amount of guys who tell us we’re beautiful via social network actually leaves us prettier or does it make us more pressured to be beautiful in every single picture? Never mind the fact that we don’t actually look that way all the time (if anyone has invented a life size instagram frame, let me know).

Personally and I could be faulted for this,I don’t really spend that much time in front of the mirror and in no way am I condemning those charming girls who do because I actually admire them for wanting to look their best all the time, but that’s not me.

I don’t like to shop. I couldn’t tell the difference between a blush and eye shadow and I really couldn’t care less if I’m wearing the latest trends.

Which is safe to say, leaves a lot of room for that ugly head called insecurity to bounce up and down occasionally.

It could just be me, but with today’s technology and today’s style shops readily available, everyone has the chance to look like a supermodel in an instant and it makes me squirm.

For one thing with my height, I don’t think I was ever born to be a walking stick. I was born to have depth (or at least that’s what I tell myself) and no matter how much I starve myself, I will never be petite or chinita or *insert every single Filipino guy’s type here*. I’d like to think that in the looks department, I was meant to be average.

And you know, I used to HATE IT. I’ve always carried this Hilary Duff moviesque philosophy that it’s the inside and the wisdom you have inside that counts. That my average looks could be made up by studying hard and working really hard, also it guarantees an independent life just in case nobody looks beyond the average.

Kidding aside, I have always believed in the good of people and I have always believed that people are mature enough to look beyond the pretzel like poses on instagram or the fashionista photos on facebook.

However, it’s not easy. In a visual world, the inside often gets lost in a whirlwind of photoshopped models, diet plans and people who are (pressuring?) you to drop the weight because there’s no other way to live.

While I get the healthy part, I don’t get why everyone thinks that being healthy meant looking like a Victoria’s Secret Angel.

I also don’t understand why girls pressure themselves to look like Elaine Alden when guys don’t even think twice about looking like Landry Fields.

We double standard ourselves. And while it’s a great think to want to be healthy for the sake of good health, I don’t quite understand the point of starving, throwing up and taking dangerous pills just to be accepted.

Being rejected hurts, tell me about it and being told you are too fat to be dated by anyone crushes the spirit.

However, is this the reason why we are doing the things we are doing? To please others? if one didn’t want you for who you are in the first place, why change the entirety of who you are for that person?

Constantly changing or wanting to change for another person is just setting yourself up for a life of hurt that just gets pushed away but never truly healed.

At the end of the day, insecurity roots from the fear of not being loved and not being enough.

We constantly seek for solutions on the outside: boyfriends, girl friends, shopping trips, the latest handbags, gadgets etc to fill the void. However, they never truly heal us, they are like the pretty band aids we used when we were younger, temporarily they cover up the hurt but if not taken care of, the wound seeps and stinks.

We all want to be assured that we are loved.

And you know, we are. ( John 3:16).

On most days, it is easy for me to believe that God loves me and that His love is more than enough. But when your heart is broken and aching, it’s quite hard to believe a love that is so far away.

Well you should know, that God’s love is not something that is just written in the pages of your Bible, it is the love that is meant to change your life. His love comes with benefits and most importantly, His love is the love that truly heals our brokenness. His love bandages, heals and His love restores us to the people that He has meant us to be.

Getting rid of insecurity first begins with accepting and believing the fact that God loves us beyond reason and that with this love comes the assurance that God has us where He wants us to be. Insecurity often roots also from the sense that what we have isn’t enough. Whenever we think this way, it also means that we are not content with what God knows is best for us (taken from the book Unstuff, Di Marcos).

If we truly free ourselves from wanting what may not be for us, we are freed from the pressure of being someone we’re not.

And also, by trusting and surrendering everything to God, we relinquish the control and control, though sometimes extremely tempting is actually very tiring, so once control is relinquished we feel secured in knowing that someone smarter than us is taking care of us and we don’t have to carry the weight alone.

It’s like falling asleep on a comfortable pillow, knowing that as we sleep, all our cares are taken care of and we don’t have to worry, we are where we’re supposed to be at this given moment.

And just in case you feel like you are not enough, know this, God, even before you were born, has already arranged everything in your life including relationships.

Often relationships become a source of worry because often the ones we choose to love don’t love us and that leaves us wondering what’s wrong with us. It may seem like a cliche but believe me when I say that God has already planned all the relationships in your life.

Some relationships are just meant to teach us a thing or two about ourselves, and not meant to be with us for a lifetime. It is a sad reality, but the sooner we accept it, the greater the chances of letting go of hurt and false expectations.

Also, you wouldn’t want a relationship that God has not willed for you, because those relationships will always feel like a struggle whereas a relationship with God will always feel easy simply because it was meant for you.

Simply rest in knowing that God, your Father has planned good things for you and also, He knows how to get you to where He wants you to be in time and the good thing is, you don’t have to be anyone else but who you are.

One day, someone will look at you, the real, unfiltered you and tell you, “You were the one I prayed for, no more, no less,” and you will be glad that you did not transform into someone you were not created to be.

It may hurt now, but believe that you are closer to the one day that you are praying for. You are loved for being you. So celebrate that.

Also, once you fall in love with Jesus, you will fall comfortably in the truth that His love is enough to assure you that you are enough as you are.

And one day, God will send the right people who love you even if you are not a size 0 because no matter what you believe, God does not want you to be alone on an island. He wants your life to be filled with relationships ordained by Him.

As I end this, I part with these words: you are beautiful and with this video by Jonno Rushbrook:

So go ahead and sprinkle the world with your beauty.

Stop hiding behind the facade of wanting to be someone else and stop believing the lie that you have to be someone else in order to be loved, because to begin with if God wanted you to be that someone else, He would have easily done so.

So accept who you are and revel in that as Morrie Schwartz said.

PS: Anyone who tells you that you need to drop a few pounds, dress like a certain person or be chinita to be loved, drop that person immediately– you don’t have to change, as if i haven’t said it enough but i’m saying it again: YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL THE WAY YOU ARE.

Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.