“How about we agree that you’ll be kind to yourself while you’re in here? You can go ahead and beat yourself up all you want as soon as you leave, okay?” – The therapist’s therapist, Wendell, on Maybe You Should Talk to Someone

Thursdays are my favorite personal day of the week because I wrap up my workday, put my phone on DND, and spend 50 precious minutes with my therapist. Of course my sessions are virtual and so my therapist’s room is really my office converted but for 50 minutes, I can simply unravel and not be anything to anyone, even myself.

The sessions are all I’ve ever wanted, even as a child, I recall asking my parents for a therapist. I knew early on that I needed help in understanding how my brain worked and find better ways to cope. Thankfully, my faith, along with other modalities have greatly helped me until I got to this point.

My sessions inspired me to reopen Maybe You Should Talk to Someone by Lori Gottlieb and as I rediscovered this book nearly four years later, I am amazed at how I can relate to it now on a different level. When I first read in 2018, I still had layers to peel and now I am more vulnerable, more open to my own failures and shortcomings. This line though from her therapist made me stop and think of my own session with my therapist this afternoon. All week I’ve been ruminating on topics of what to discuss with her: a conversation with my partner a work, how I feel about pending changes and role transformations, the judgement I have of others, and so on. I’ve thought about these things and thought they existed on different levels but at the core of it: they were all similar, it all rooted from not being kind to myself. Of feeling shamed for sharing my emotions and thoughts that are less than stellar and for not feeling safe in doing so.

Lori goes on to say the purpose of therapy and that is to “aim for self compassion (Am I human?) as opposed to self esteem (a judgement: Am I good or bad?)” and those two things stopped me in my tracks. First off, her therapist’s direction of being kind to one’s self and the questioning of whether I am being kind to myself brought me back to the earlier wonderings that have been swimming in my head for some time now. It all related back to how I was treating myself because the way I treated myself, whether I was holding myself in self compassion or judgement, also affects how I treat those around me.

The act of kindness towards one’s self is a concept that’s always been foreign to me but now as I type this, it makes me wonder what my life would be like if I flip the switch and make it an effort to be kind to me.

Maybe that’s something I should ask my therapist today.

It’s been a hot a minute since I wrote here. Actually, it feels like a lifetime ago. The last time I wrote, my son was barely sitting up and I was 32. Now, I am six months into year 33 and my son is 13 months old and is walking up a storm. It’s such a joy to see him seeing explore the world and develop his own personality. Being a parent is such a wonderful gift but also such a mystery – you are in charge of this human and your role is to not make him like you but make him ready for the world in a way that suits him best. It’s such a great privilege but also scary as so with everything in life.

Aside from those things, we’re also three weeks into a new year! And 2022 has been a bit of a … not so cute lately. It’s been unnerving both personally and on a global level and I guess people, including myself, are tired. It’s taking A LOT of energy to remain optimistic and that’s the reason why I haven’t been writing. All the words of optimism have been wrung out of me for my column so there’s really nothing here that I can afford you at the moment, that might change in the future but I just wrote here as a proof of life and maybe as a way to put out hope that maybe the next time I write, things are better for me and for all of us.

Four days before I turn 33 and I am spending the last fifteen minutes of my lunch break scrubbing poop stains from my son’s high chair. My days as of late consist of starting my day at 5 am, “going” to work in our creative room / baby room / workout space, meet deadlines, and most importantly, care for my seven month old in between. It’s safe to say that life has steadily moved away from what it used to be but now that I think about it, other than poop stains, Yumi jars, bottles, and still the occasional 2 am wake up times (very rare), life is the same.

It’s quiet and busy – busy not just with work but with hobbies that fill the spaces. My hobbies these days are different – I have turned the mundane into hobbies and you know that’s what life really is all about – taking what you have at the moment and making the most of what it is.

Right now our lives consist mainly with activities that surround our little one but as new parents, we don’t feel trapped or surprised by new routines or the occasional poop -spolosions around lunch time. We’re also rarely rattled by having to put calls on hold while the baby cries or hide in the bathroom when he’s still crying after you have fed him. These things do not rattle us because despite the inconsistency of the schedules of new parents, my husband and I have developed flexibility and live mainly on instinct. It’s a fun way to live and once you understand it, a routine develops despite the surprises in between.

The baby, work, and making sure the house is clean and organized takes up about 90% of the time with the rest of the 10% dedicated to using my Peloton. This doesn’t give me enough time for anything else except for The Nanny – 20 minutes pockets of me time before sleeping at 7:30, 8 PM the latest. I love this schedule because my Type A personality thrives on this kind of schedule and pretty much doesn’t leave me any room for anything else other than the current priorities in my life. Yet, despite the best intentions – chaos still ensues as it often does. But as my dad always says, welcome it because it means you’re still alive. It also gives me the opportunity to practice what I’ve been learning and while it may not kick in right away, after facing the initial shock and after spending time just sitting with it and allowing yourself to fully feel it, you find yourself just appreciating the lessons, some of which I am sharing here.

Trust your gut. 

I say this over and over again and when I say it it’s because I want to remind myself of this truth. Energy is absolutely everything – when you feel something off in your gut, for cripe’s sake, follow it! Don’t justify to do otherwise but just go after your feeling and run with it. Seek guidance through prayer and God will lead the way.

People are allowed to have opinions about you the same way that you are allowed to have opinions about others. 

The Filipino culture have a lot of wonderful things about it and I appreciate it for all the wonderful things it is but one thing I’ve noticed is this – you are not allowed to have an opinion other than positive because if you do, you are the worst Bruha in the world. For years I have been ostracized for saying the truth or at least my truth and have been plagued to fit in to please, as a recovering people pleaser, I still fall into the cracks but my biggest mistake is often a result of not trusting my instinct and when I finally do, it’s too late and I’m in too deep. For months I’ve been burdened because of the lack of freedom in expressing what I want to say and for being punished when I speak the truth and for awhile, I wanted people to see my side because isn’t that worth something? But then I realized that people are allowed to have opinions about me even if it is farthest from my truth but at the same time, I also allowed to speak my truth and must not allowed myself to be controlled by other people’s thoughts or opinions. As a recovering people pleaser, I have often been caught in crossfire because I am easily swayed by other’s opinions – I speak too much and too soon without fully internalizing other people’s intentions.

Everything is an illusion and in the grand scheme of character opinions – there is no black, no white, only grey. Who is good to one may be bad to another so what is the purpose of labeling people based on only 30% of their actions that I witness? Our lives are tinted by our own perceptions that are shaped by personal experiences. There is no way for me to know truly what is in the heart of another but I can only pray that from here on, God and my angels will guide me to those who share the same values as me.

“Those who mind don’t matter and those matter don’t mind.” – Dr. Seuss 

This is a quote I lived by when I was in high school, however, I seemed to have forgotten about it when I got older. Still related to the point above – I have come to realize that my real friends do not need any explanation while those who have made up their minds about not liking me will always find a way to not like me so what is the point of explaining myself? I wrestled with this for the longest time but now I finally taste freedom – you can say whatever you want about me because a) that is your opinion and I honor it and b) those who are meant to be part of my life know my heart and will stick by me no matter what.

“For what it is to gain the world but lose your soul?” – Mark 8:36

I am thankful and grateful for the abundance in my life but I know myself enough to know that I, personally, will never sabotage another to gain the fame and riches that this world has to offer. I have always believed that if God intends for you to have something, you will have it with ease. What’s meant to be yours is not won by desperation, scheming, or manipulating. I respect people who choose that route because again they must be driven by their own experiences and that is okay because ultimately, I know and trust that God will never allow anything to harm me and at the end of the day, I am still divinely protected.

Life is beautiful – it is not perfect but if we allow ourselves to fully experience all of it, including the most painful parts, we learn to appreciate it truly for what it is – a wonderful adventure with many lessons. Cheers!

I was a brokenhearted mess when I first came across this scene from 500 Days of Summer. I remember sobbing hysterically in SM Megamall in Manila, Philippines beside my mom and my younger brother. It was 2009 and if my memory serves me right, the then “love of my life” was seeing someone exclusively. Just like annoying Tom, I wondered why he didn’t choose me, but Summer’s words hit home and ironically enough, made me see the situation for what it was.

What I didn’t know then as I was sobbing in the theater while eating my giant tub of popcorn that ten years later, my husband and I would celebrate New Year’s Day 2020 in the exact same spot where this scene was filmed. My husband and I moved to Los Angeles in 2017 and our first jobs were right in the middle of DTLA – they were not glamorous jobs but looking back, they were exactly what we needed at that time. That job of mine allowed me to see the beautiful places of DTLA because I was always on foot, spend a lot of time with my husband who worked in the same building, and just fully embrace Los Angeles for what it is.

One of my favorite memories of that time is my early morning dates with my husband on top of Angels Flight and just taking a moment to breathe in our new home. I recall those memories with joy because I remember just being grateful to be in a place that I’ve dreamed of for so long. Back then it was a silly dream, one that I didn’t actively pursued but I guess it’s true that God hears our deepest prayers even if we say them in a whisper.

The past weekend has been invigorating because I finally had a chance to slow down and in this stillness, I was brought back to gratitude – I wasn’t focused on where I wanted to be but instead focused on this present moment and how far God has got me through. Sometimes we forget about the answered prayers because we’re out looking for the next one, I am guilty of that too. I am so grateful to be here in this beautiful country and to see these beautiful spaces that I only watched on TV or the movie screen. I am grateful because God has made my dreams come true and most importantly, I am so grateful because God has faithfully healed my heart so many times. And not only that, I am grateful because God answers prayers, even during the days when we don’t feel He has. So thankful for today, so thankful for this life, and I am so thankful for all that is to come.

Wow. It has been awhile huh? Safe to say that life changed dramatically since I last wrote but wow, I didn’t even realize just how much time has already passed.

For one thing, I am already a mom. Yes, on Thanksgiving Day 2020, I gave birth to my son Alexander Raphael Balthazar – details I shared here.

Since then my husband and I have returned to work, survived many sleepless nights, and saw ourselves transition from a young couple who had no kids to parents of a joyful baby boy. A lot of things rush to my head whenever I think of just how much our lives have changed in the past 60 days but not enough for me to articulate. I feel that I have to just truly feel into this moment and thoroughly enjoy it and that’s what my husband and I have been doing – experiencing it for what it is so we can look back on it later.

But I just had to drop a line here – my trusted blog that has seen me through high school, college, work mishaps, and so many heartbreaks. The young 15 year old kid who lived on One Tree Hill and books has now turned into a 32 year old who still loves books and TV but is now a mom. Oh what a fun adventure this would be.

We are a few days away from welcoming August in a year that we could easily categorize as unexpected. 

Personally, July was a full month that was dedicated to moving to a new place (my husband and I unpacked everything within a week, yay!), celebrating birthdays and anniversaries, and just getting deeper into my healing practice. Unlike everything else in my life, I never really shared in detail anything in relation to my healing journey not because I am embarrassed by it but because I feel like the right time hasn’t arrived yet. I am still in the process of understanding where I was, where I am, and what’s next, and when I get all that figured out and feel that it’s time, I cannot wait to share it in detail.

I can, however, share parts of it today. For some reason, I just got out of the shower and was powered up to share some thoughts in a way that I haven’t in awhile. Truth be told, I shied away from writing my own feelings and thoughts into my blog for many reasons: one of them being, well 2020 hasn’t been the easiest year ever, and as I dove deeper into my healing journey, I saw a lot of untangling from professional and personal relationships and for a girl who loves to please others, these transitions left me in a state of shock. However, I would also be the first to tell you that letting go of these relationships, owning up to the part I played in it, and simply allowing myself to deal with trauma that has been sitting for decades has allowed me to feel free. 

Now being free doesn’t mean I live in a land of roses (now wouldn’t that be nice) but rather in a feeling of flow – where I am unafraid to feel things and unafraid to sit with them. It also means I am no longer afraid of my shadow – a story that I can’t wait to share when I’m ready and when it’s time.

Today, however, I am simply called to share this thought:

There is no such thing as “better than” life. Our lives are exactly what they are supposed to be in this moment and we must learn to celebrate that. When we learn to stop reaching for a life that is “better” than another, we are free to embrace what we are given today.

To me, that is incredibly important. The victim mindset (one that I, unfortunately, have been trapped in for a while) thinks that we need to be better than those who have hurt us but in reality, there is no scorecard, there is no game to be won. We are all just learning from each other and just being directed to the highest good. Every person we meet is a teacher and a mirror of what we need to heal. We can all wish each other well – even those who have hurt us and those we have hurt. When we come from a place of oneness instead of competition, we enter into a beautiful flow of life where we learn to forgive not just others but ourselves as well. It’s such a beautiful place to be and it all starts with a simple shift, of understanding that there is no “us” vs “them” but rather a connectedness, one that allows us to learn from one another rather than attack one another constantly.

Now, this doesn’t mean that we hold on to toxic relationships (that’s a common misconception) but rather let them go in love, wish them well, and see them as light. Yes, we can end relationships in a positive way and wish them well even if we never speak to them again. It’s okay to walk away from relationships but we must do so with gratitude knowing that what we learned from them was important to our own journey.

Wishing you love and light today, may this message resonate at the right time.

Today, I looked at old photos.

Now for some people, this may be a sacred practice (I can tell just by the popularity of #TBT) but for me, it’s one that I try not to do. The motion of my life has always been forward no matter what and looking at old photos just deterred me from that. But today, right before work, I took a leap of faith and looked photos from what I claim to be my golden year – the year 2015.

It was the year I fell in love, broke my heart, traveled 3,000 miles, only to fall in love (again!), have my heart broken (again!), and ultimately find the love of my life. It was a brilliant year filled with tears but also sprinkled with the right doses of bravery.

When I look back to my 27-year-old self, two thoughts come to me: she had so much courage but at the same time, also so naive. I grieve for her because of the things she is about to through to get to where I am today but at the same time, I couldn’t help but quietly applaud her because she endured her worst fears and emerged better than she ever was.

And by better, I don’t mean angelic. I don’t understand why the culture ultimately associates being the better version of ourselves with being good or nice. When in fact “better” means that you went deep within yourself, confronted your demons, and liberated yourself from situations that did not make you blissful or left you constrained. And more often than not, better also includes making better choices for ourselves rather than others.

Better also means challenging beliefs we grew up with, dismantling them, and give ourselves the freedom to relearn them, this time looking at it with greater consciousness and awareness.

But that’s a whole other story, one that might take longer to write.

Today is simply gratitude for what 2015 was to me and maybe, a confronting of a specific fear – there’s nothing wrong with looking back on old photos.

“Whatever happens to you belongs to you. Make it yours. Feed it to yourself even if it feels impossible to swallow. Let it nurture you, because it will.” – Cheryl Strayed

If you are reading this from the future, let me tell a few things about today, May 02, 2020.

1. It was in December 2019 that the world was introduced to COVID-19, a virus that swept through the world, first silently, and then loudly, claiming lives, turning lives around, and challenging the normal we have grown accustomed to.
2. As of writing, Los Angeles (and nearly 90 percent of the world) has been on lockdown. Some governments had nicer names to it but the premise is the same across the world- we are encouraged to stay at home, stay as far away from people as possible, and wear masks at all times. There are no gatherings, no malls, even beaches are closed. Stepping outside of the house is more than enough to send a shiver down your spine due to the uncertainty it brings.
3. Celebrities are no longer the most revered individuals on the planet, rather attention goes to the ones serving in the frontlines: nurses, doctors, trash collectors, grocery workers, and so on. The world reverted back to the basics and though it has been nearly two months since the world crashed so to speak, the shock is still raw with humanity still trying to understand and cope with the many changes we collectively went through, and are still going through.

Safe to say that this is NOT the world we expected to be in when we all cheered for the Roarin 20s (what an irony) at the beginning of 2020. There are no words to describe how it feels. 2020 kicked any illusion of control we had over our lives and forced us to look inward and ask questions. It made me challenge the things I depended on that were not as dependable as I thought they were. It made me think about relationships and yes, also my own weaknesses. Just like the rest of the world, I decided to look inward because when you’re stuck at home 24/7, what else can you do? The optimist in me decided to take advantage of the time and keep looking inward, no matter how messy or painful it seemed. A lot of things were brought into the light, things that I refused to deal with in the midst of the lie of busy, but now with this shift, I was forced to face them and hopefully in time, conquer them.

And while this blog is not as insightful as I hoped it would be, I just needed to write this to remind myself of this odd time in history and just to mark this as the entry “after” the pandemic. There are more things to say but now is not yet the time but this is to remind myself that greater things are yet to be, not just for me, but for all of us.

Hang in there, stay in the light, and don’t forget, nothing surprises God. He’s got this, He’s got us.

My entire life so far has been in pursuit of something.

Whether it was a new book, a new toy, a relationship, a friendship, or a job, I have always been on the lookout for the next best thing. And while ambition should not be looked down on, growing older makes you challenge the things that you chased after with rigor. Were they particularly worth it? Some of them, obviously yes, some of them, I even forgot why I pursued them.

And while the week (and retrograde) has made me feel so bone tired that I cannot even get up from the couch, I wrote to share this moment. Today, my husband and I spent our afternoon running errands as well as taking the time to drink Italian coffee and just be together. It left me blissful and content in a way that nobody really tells you about.

Everyone talks about the joy of achieving without really telling you about the peace of simply being.

This weekend, I hope you truly just allow yourself to be. There is so much power in it.