Here’s something that I learned about myself today, I, just like the girl on the picture to the left, can be a bitch.
A really nasty one at that, a bitch who would not stop at nothing to make sure that the person or people who have hurt me would get thier fair share of pain as well.
I experienced all of those emotions in a split second today and even though the anger has died down a bit, I can still feel the bitterness seeping and who I can become because of it is a scary and ugly person.
It must have been the emotional stress that I’ve been going through since last month and this amount of perfection that I’ve delegated myself to reach and I’ve just reached a point where I just want to give up being nice and just be a bitch– plain and simple. Who cares what people think about me? I just want to be the meanest, grittiest person you have ever meet because i’ve been nice for the past 21 years of my life and it has done me no good so far.
No matter how many services I attend or no matter how much Ed Lapiz I sink my eyes into at this very moment, the bitterness and the anger outweighs it all. Even the sight of an extremely good looking person on my favorite telenovela does not cheer me up.
It has gotten to the point where I want to be a scheming, deceptive liar but you know what? In as much as being wonderful, gracious and nice can be tiring, it’s also extremely tiring to be as deceptive as blair, because all you ever want to to do is retaliate.
Retaliate, Retaliate and Retaliate.
Being a bitch means always watching your back and being a bitch also means that you end up being alone and as lonely as I am right now, I know there are people who love me, no matter how moody I get.
The telenovela that I’m very guilty of watching at this very moment seeped some sense into my otherwise angry heart, the character of Santino whispered, “Wag mo isipin ang pag-ganti dahil ayaw ni bro yan”
Which is true. No matter who you define bro as, it’s true.
And even though, I’m hurting now and have become so tired of getting hurt, I still believe, despite the pain that all things work together for the good of those who love God. Nothing more, nothing less.
And even though, I truly want to scream and believe that they deserve to be punished, I still have faith that I deserve better, that I’ll wake up tomorrow and know why I had to go through all of these pain.
It’s a moment of refinement and I have to go through it in faith.
It’s also time for me to continue to love people, even when love goes unanswered because I do it for the Lord and no one else.
Life’s a lesson learned in humility.
Maybe, before I truly get the answer to all of my questions and prayers, this must ring true in my life and I pray that the hurt makes me better and never bitter.