The hobo once told her that the love they had would one day cause others to envy them because by looking at them together, others would ask how it was possible to love each other like that.
It’s quiet in our tiny household tonight as I sit with the comforting light of my laptop — as I have so many nights before. It has only been three months since I slipped comfortably into a new normal and sometimes, the new normal still startles me.
To explain marriage is quite dumbfounding because all I can ever describe it as is just how I read it from the editorial page of a worn out Candy Magazine I’ve had as a “tweener”: it’s like putting on a pair of jeans in a fitting room and you instantly know that you’re going to buy it. Marriage fits in just like an old shoe yet it’s so dramatically new that having to infuse the two thoughts together can be overwhelming at times.
Ever since I got married, people have been asking me so much about it. Questions that were once about having a boyfriend was now centered on what it was like to be married. Others who are still shocked to note that I actually had a boyfriend and the “quickness” of my marriage (no baby bump here!) seem to ask me questions a mile a minute. The questions aren’t surprising actually but my candidness about them is. You see I am an oversharer (as you can tell, there are ten years worth of oversharing on this website alone) but with this part of my life– I remain just like a cocoon, hidden and without intention of going out just yet. I believe God has the perfect timing for our story but until then, I could never describe how God miraculously crafted our love story other than the fact that He is good.
What’s amazing to me though is the fact that people barely ask me about the other areas of my life since I changed my last name (actually hyphenated my last name, I refuse to have my married name take over my dad’s name, nope, not ever). You see, yes, I am a married woman but I am still as tenacious as I have ever been.
It took me three months to solidify what I already know — I am an independent woman who have worked so hard to take care of myself all these years and having a partner doesn’t change any of that. I am still as ambitious as I ever was (even more so now, as if to tell people that marriage should never slow you down) but I must admit that in the past three months, I try to be more mindful of that ambition.
Life doesn’t revolve around work anymore and somehow, after years of trying to be taught this, I have learned to develop a thick skin for the workplace. Now that doesn’t mean that I don’t work with all my heart because I do but I try to detach myself from it and realize that people have interests of their own and some are ruthless and do anything to achieve their own personal goals. That’s really just the way the world works so I’ve learned to deal with it.
I am trying hard not to lose the best parts of myself in the rat race but the growth and the steep learning curve can take its toll. My temper needs to be dealt with because it is on an unnatural high since I switched from PR to Accounts earlier this year and it needs to be tamed. God’s sweet grace is really all that is keeping me sane on some days.
Bravery also seeps through in different forms — bravery doesn’t mean sticking out a knife. Sometimes, it is a simple as going to work everyday, rolling up your sleeves, and facing whatever needs to be faced. Sometimes they are overly ambitious workmates, piling bills, or even the monstrosity of having to face your own decisions.
Without meaning to sound like a cliche, I am learning more and more that life rarely turns out to be the way you’ve planned it in your head. For the most part, I have tried to make it the way I’ve always thought of in my head but the life that I have now, with all its exciting parts, is what God wills for me to have at this point and so I surrender.
Surrendering at different life stages can mean different things. At this point, surrendering is really just letting God take over in a way that I haven’t fully experienced before. It’s setting aside things I have learned over the years, unlearning them in order to give way to ideals that I haven’t even entertained before.
It’s about relearning my own definition of success, failure, and life in general. It’s realizing that God is the one who ultimately plies our path and in slowly letting go of notions of how life should be, we come across the gift of contentment. We thank God in the midst of deadlines, bill payments, and not so sweet workmates. We learn to thank God for the little messes in our lives and we no longer wait for life to be perfect to offer sweet praise. In fact, it’s the little victories that are celebrated the most — getting up in the morning when all you want to do is run away, letting love win when an argument wants to take over, and most importantly, believing that there are better days ahead even when life has given you a series of bad ones.
It’s knowing and believing that every season has a purpose and while as human beings, it is only normal to crave for the days past and the days ahead, we realize that what we truly possess is today so we learn to let go and believe that today is enough, this moment is enough, and then that is when we try again.
And that is when we win.
“But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works, otherwise grace is no longer grace.” – Romans 11:6
But in reality, there is really no such thing. Life is life, no matter what season you are in. Of course, you strive to be thankful for the answered prayers, but there are days when it is hard to do because you’re pressured, you’re busy, and you’re just irritated.
It happens to the best of us. We often get consumed by the mess of our own lives without realizing that there is a much bigger world out there with problems we can’t even imagine. This is not minimizing the pain our own troubles has caused us because nobody can tell us how to feel or how “small” or “big” the results of it are.
However, we can be reminded that while we may feel isolated in our problems, we are not the only ones having them. Often, the person you work with, the kuya guard who opens the door for you, and even the wildly successful rich girl all have problems and the best we can do is to be kind to ourselves and others because we are all surviving together.
Opportunities.
It has been said that to be at the right time at exactly the right time with the right people requires a different kind of favor, that of which that comes from God. Ever since I started working, I have always prayed to God to open the right doors for me and close the wrong ones simply because making a choice always left me scared.
So my life’s choices have been quite simple: walk into the open doors simply because the wrong doors are closed shut. This has also been true in other parts of my life. I’ve always had blind faith that God will provide the right people and the right opportunities at the right time.
However, closed doors are not always accepted with a kind and gracious heart. In the past week alone, I have had two opportunities shut in front of my face without warning. They were already projects that were raring to go, projects that I have waited for my entire life, and just when they were going to jump start, they went kaput.
It left me tossing and turning over the weekend. How could these opportunities slip from my fingers? Was it something I did? Is there something else that I could have done better?
But in all my asking, I stopped for a minute and tried to figure out what it was that God was telling me. It has been a season of blessings and challenges, just pretty much like any season of life. And as in anything, the blessings don’t negate the challenges but in all times, we must learn to rest and let God take over.
I may never have an answer as to why the opportunities were taken out of my hands but I still firmly believe that God has the perfect timing for all things. I grieve for the lost opportunities but I am also thankful for moments I have to myself, something much needed right now.
So for today, I weep and let it go. And then tomorrow, I pray for new opportunities to come my way.
Contrary to what most people think I am actually an introvert.
Life is defined by the seasons we are in.