2016 has been a year of transition for me.

In March of this year, I switched out of Public Relations and into the murky world of Accounts Management. On Saturday, the first step to fulfilling a childhood dream will materialize and in less than a month, I will be with the love of my life permanently.

And these are just the big transitions. There are also little ones that you don’t realize the significance of until it hits you on a Sunday night and you realize that yes, things are changing.

Numerous quotes have reminded us to live in the moment and to enjoy the small things because in retrospect, these are the big things of life. And now as I look back, I am grateful to have enjoyed the moments with the people who matter the most but even if I have maximized moments to the full, nostalgia still kicks in every once in awhile and I find myself wishing that I enjoyed it more.

But nostalgia isn’t the point of this blog entry. Truth be told, there isn’t really a point to this entry except a mini celebration because I find myself in the middle of a not so busy morning and just like I always have, I had the urge to write.

When I was younger, I had big dreams of becoming an independent on the go woman. In my head, it was all about designer bags, nice clothes, and being busy. As an “engaged” college student, I was constantly craving for a busy lifestyle. At 27 and by God’s grace, I am slowly seeing that dream realized. However, as Pastor Steven would always say nothing ever comes without responsibility.

At the end of most days, I find myself exhausted to the point of no longer being able to laugh out loud to Fresh Off The Boat or Jane the Virgin. I’m just instantly asleep only to be awoken the next day to go through the same thing all over again.

I love what I do but it’s ironic to think that when we dream, we sometimes forget the amount of work that goes into it. Which makes you appreciate and love it more.

As I begin yet again another Manic Day, I go back to the Source and remember that no matter how busy or tiring life is, I am living out my dream and that is worth the sleepless nights, the silent breakdowns, and yes, even the many tears.

The week started out with a personal challenge: to be as real and as raw as I could be without filtering who I am for the sake of an image. 

For all intents and purposes, I have a confession to make: I’m a mess.

There I said it and the world didn’t stop but surprisingly so, the world doesn’t revolve around me so it shouldn’t cause much of a stir. Blurting it out made me feel uncomfortable because it’s one I never quite admitted to before.

This blog entry has been brewing in my head since Monday’s workout session where I spent the time listening to Elevation Church’s The Problem with Pinterest where Pastor Steven Furtick thoroughly described the essence of hiding our weaknesses to project a life that is Pinterest-worthy.

Somehow, we have been trained to think (me personally) that if our lives aren’t cookie cut into perfection, we lose the right to be someone of worth.

In all honesty, the past five days have been glittered with messes and mistakes. Entering into a new season of my life which is reflective in both work and my personal life means a steep learning curve that I have to climb. And as they say, the older you get, the more stubborn you are which can also translate to us being more prideful as we stop adding the years to our age. This makes it nearly impossible to commit to a learning curve because we have difficulty admitting that we don’t have it all together.

We want the picture perfect life without realizing that picture perfect makes us unreachable, unapproachable, and difficult to relate to. It’s actually a disservice to the people around us if we continue on with our fake ideals of perfection.

We don’t want people to know that we have problems and this it’s the problems that we hide beneath the veil: the breakdowns, the depression, the Lord hindi ko na kaya moments. We always tell people we’re alright and we have it all together. And while this, in essence, leaves us free from other people’s opinions (why it matters will always be a mystery) but failing to admit the reality of our messes leaves us blind to the glory of God and what He can do in our weaknesses.

When we keep telling the world that we are okay and that we “got this”, we stop ourselves from getting on our knees and asking God for help. The false assumption that we have to take care of it on our own make us miss what God can do if we simply let him work. Because the truth is, in the light of our Father’s love, we don’t ever have to face anything on our own ever again – especially when we are alone and in the dark.

We don’t have to shy away from our imperfections and missed steps. Instead, we must embrace who we are and what God can do despite of the many many mistakes, mishaps, insecurities, and brokenness we find ourselves in.

We have to understand that we don’t have to have it all together. We don’t have to . It’s okay to embrace our messes and it’s even better when we reach out to someone and instead of running away from their messes, pat them on the back and say, “me too”.

And in doing so, we not only give others the freedom to be who they are but we momentarily shift from focusing on our shame, focusing on us and ultimately focusing on who God is in us. We stop constructing an image of the life we wish to project and focus on the transformation that God wishes to do in us.

Because at the end of the day, the only opinion that truly matters is His and it’s good to be reminded that He looks at us with nothing but His great love that cancels out all the messes.

Now that I am past a certain target market (aka di na ako bagets), I sometimes cringe when I use terms that are obviously for the Snapchat generation such as everything with a hashtag (or a pound sign depending on how “young” you are) so I try to avoid it at all costs. However, when it comes to Steven and Holly Furtick who I  practically ‘ship, I can hashtag goals all day every single day.

You see when I was younger, I thought ideal relationships are those that are filled with drama, fame, fortune, and pizzaz. I thought it was all about Instagram captions, #MCMs, fun “dates”, matching #OOTDS without realizing that relationships aren’t all about that jazz. In fact, as you grow “older”, relationships become more of a partnership rather than an all out show.

And this is the reason why I now look into everyday relationships instead of characters out of fairytales as my relationship peg. And of course, none is more fitting than my couple crush, Steven and Holly.

Being in a real healthy relationship for the first time ever in my life caused a few adjustments especially since I’ve been single for so long but let me just say that when it’s with the right person, you don’t even notice the transition. Anthony makes the transition easy because he is patient, kind, understanding while at the same time lovingly tough on me (which I need).

Everyday is a new day and a chance for me to be a better version of myself. This was all going through my head when I came across a preaching from my couple crush (yes it’s a thing and i’m sticking with it) and it was as if it was what I needed to hear because it spoke about what do in relationships.

Fairly new in the game, I thanked God for giving me the opportunity to manifest love the way He intended: unconditionally.

The preaching (which you can watch here) spoke about in relationships in a way that is different from the world’s point of view. The main topic of the message is this: you love to give and not merely get. Instead of constantly asking what I can get maybe it’s time to ask what one can give. While it’s normal for me to be a girl and expect so many things, I have learned that being in a relationship isn’t about getting but doing life with a person and making their life better.

It totally turned my day around and inspired me to be better in my relationships (because it is also applicable to the other relationships in our lives) and I hope it does the same for you.

According to Pastor Steven and Holly, the person we are committed to is our special assignment and who we are called to love.

And since we are called to love them, we are called to:

• Carry Your Burden
• As a partner, we are not supposed to add to the burden of our partner but instead we must help them carry the load and that while there are some things that our partner can do on their own, it helps to be there for them when they need us. It could be in the little things (like letting them sleep) or in the big things, but the important question to ask is how I am making the other person’s life better. Because when we love someone, we want what’s best for them and not to make life difficult.
• Assume the Best
• As women, we have the tendency to be OA in all things (hindi ka nagtext, di mo na ako love – not shaming because it happened to me too) but in reality, when we love someone and they love us, we must always assume that they come from a place of love. We must stop thinking that they’re out to get us because in truth, just like us, they want what’s best for us too.
• Live with Contentment
• When we celebrate the person right in front of us, we encourage them to grow. Instead of constantly pointing out what’s wrong with them, we must always celebrate what makes them them by celebrating them as a whole. Sometimes, we do get discontented but in truth, we must always be grateful that this person chose to love us out of the million others in the world and be thankful they made that choice. Simply celebrate where you are and the rest will follow.
• Let God be God
• There are times when we want to be the god in our relationship in the sense that we want to constantly “fix” our partner. But in truth, all we can do is pray about them and give them the freedom to figure it out on their own guided by the Holy Spirit. When the time comes that you are frustrated with your partner (and it will come), it’s best to simply pray about it, trust God to do what only He can do, and see Him move. Always be forgiving and put God in the center of your relationship no matter what.
• Encourage Your Strengths
• In terms of “fixing”, we are not called to fix another person but instead we are called to encourage what’s good about them while also encouraging them to be better. We don’t point out what’s wrong, instead, we support our partner by telling them how much you appreciate their good points and letting them know that no matter what, you are with them and for them.
• Do It Anyway
• There will be days when you wouldn’t want to say sorry or you wouldn’t want to say I love you, do it anyway. Because love is more than just an emotion, it’s a commitment to love and loving unconditionally means allowing yourself to love even on days when you don’t feel like it. This kind of grace comes from God so it’s best to always pray and ask for His guidance in all things.

But no matter how many to-do lists are out there, the only thing that truly truly works is prayer. So whatever your #GOALS are in life, simply give it to God and watch Him move beautifully.

This is a blog post I never in a million years thought I would ever write but since God is a God of surprises, here I am writing it. (Panalo ka talaga, Lord!)

But before I dig deep into the now, it’s important to backtrack a bit. 

The story I am about to share started really on the day of my 27th birthday. In a nutshell, my 27th birthday was the worst I have experienced. It was the beginning of a season of transition in my life and it all began on that day. A month after turning 27, my dad took me and the entire family to a much needed vacation to LA that impacted my life in a way I have never expected. 

It’s safe to say that being in the States after being brokenhearted felt like a season of wilderness. The good girl who did everything right was trying to “spread” her wings a little bit more by exploring new things. For the first time in my life, I was distant with God and even asked Him for a break. It was as if I was going through my own season of rumspringa minus the partying and the excessive drinking. Left frustrated yet again, I felt like waiting on God wasn’t really the best thing for me to do so I took matters to my own hands.

But it’s safe to say that God is faithful. The night after I asked God to take over and take me away from choices that were not pleasing to Him, He sent someone who reminded me that waiting on God was still the best option.

I guess the first lesson of this Valentine’s Day is the fact that even if we stray away from God and not make the best choices, He can still make all things work together for good (Romans 8:28). That season of my life also reminded me that God’s love, blessings, and approval were not based on anything I did but all He has done through Jesus. For the first time in my life, I made choices that weren’t the best and yet God was faithful enough to love me, invite me back to His life, and gift me with something I have been praying for for a long time.

The second lesson I have learned is that timing truly is the Father’s business. I’ve heard it over and over again that God’s timing is quite different from ours but I haven’t quite felt its impact until after coming back to Manila. What God has gifted me with in the States was temporarily handed back to Him and during that season, my faith was tested in a way I wasn’t expecting either.

It turns out that the heartbreak I experienced on my 27th birthday was just the beginning of a season of pruning. In the months following my return to Manila, I lost friends who have been with me for over three years, failed at a job I thought I was doing well at, and let go of what I thought was God’s best for me.

Looking back, I am now grateful for that season of loneliness but of course as I was going through it, I was constantly looking for God’s hand in it. I was constantly questioning His presence in my life and most of my days and nights were spent crying out to Him. 

But it was all for a purpose. As I spent that season isolated with God, I have discovered parts of myself that were not yet fully surrendered to Him. In the season of intense heartbreak, everything I was depending my identity to faded away and I was left with nothing before God. And that’s exactly how it’s supposed to be and as I lay down every desire on His feet, that was when God moved miraculously even returning what I initially surrendered to Him.

So that being said, I share with you the most kilig Valentine’s Day ever because a) God has given me the boyfriend I have prayed for since I was a child and b) Anthony (yes, the boyfriend has a name) has gifted me with the best Valentine’s Day ever — which is really loving me in all my weirdness and quirks. But our love story will be detailed in the days to come. But today, I am just grateful because God does answer prayers in His time.

It’s really just a testament of how good God is and how when we truly trust and surrender to Him, everything will just fall into place.

Happy Valentine’s Day! If God can do it for me, He can definitely do it for you too! 🙂

“In the midst of winter, I found there was within me an invincible summer. And that makes me happy. For it says that no matter how hard the world pushes against me, within me, there’s something stronger, something better, pushing right back.” – Albert Camus, The Stranger.

It’s the most wonderful time of the year. The Christmas season has always been my favorite time of the year because I get to take two weeks off work to relax, enjoy, join in on the Christmas rush of buying last minute gifts, and just the feeling of merry making, reunions, and bright lights.

This Christmas season, however, is different.

2015 was nothing like I expected it to be. What I thought would be a relatively stable year turned out to the most erratic and most emotional year I have come to know so far. It was as if I went through several 2015s before I emerged into this place that I am in today.

If you were to ask me how I am today, my standard answer will be I’m fine but if I were to be completely honest, I know my real answer would be semi-drowning, help me up please. And for the girl who has been the Little Miss Sunshine to everyone around her, to be drained of my sunshine is an unfamiliar place to be in because I have never been here before. I have always had a positive solution to every problem and I could instantly move on from life’s hurdles in a snap.

However, 2015 tested my limit when it came to my endearing positivity about life. In fact, a former friend even challenged my belief that good things will happen because we serve a good God. But I am getting ahead of myself. 

The year has brought into my life the highest highs and the lowest of lows. I have found myself elated in the wonder of a new consuming and passionate love and today, I find myself in the destruction it has left in its wake.  I choose to respect the love I have shared with that person by not including personal details here, but rather I share the lessons because pain becomes valuable when you share the golden nuggets in the hopes of making the lives of others better. 

I have also drifted away from well-meaning friendships that used to define a huge part of my life, lost job opportunities while at the same time also discovering myself in the process. God may have taken away a few vital friendships but He has also brought in new ones.

I have also been humiliated to the core and I have questioned my sense of self more times than I can count and yet, I am still here.

If anything, it’s safe to say I’ve learned to lose this year. As a woman with an A Type Personality, I have learned that sometimes in life, losing is winning.

And that is possibly the biggest lesson I have learned is this: okay lang matalo, okay lang umiyak, okay lang na hindi ikaw yung pinili, and most importantly, it doesn’t make you less of a person if you do.

1) People, just like seasons, also drift in and out of our lives.

I am a clingy, loyal person to the ones I love. As in, I suffocate people with my love through several love languages: gifts, words of affirmation, time, and affection. I love being with people. 

But in the same way that I love people, I also have the tendency to be OA in clinging to them. Friendships that fall apart break my heart the most because I always give a 100% but sometimes, no matter how hard you try, friendships, just like any other relationship don’t fit into the same pieces anymore. 

And the good thing about that is that you don’t wish them ill, but instead, you wish them well because even if you’re no longer BFFS forever, you do still love them.

2) Stop playing the victim.

This has always been the way I approached life before. I didn’t actually realize that I was doing this until specific circumstances in my life has forced me to. So today, I examine situations from both sides of the equation and improve where I need to improve, I welcome comments with an open heart because we all have room to become better. I have also learned the difference between genuine criticism and one that’s only meant to break you. Having a healthy balance allows one to weave through life peacefully.

3) Sometimes all you have is yourself and that’s okay.

No matter how hard you try, there are really moments when it’s just you and while this can be scary, it can also be exciting. Because when you find yourself at the end of your rope, in a situation you never expected to be in, that’s when you discover that you’re only human too. In the depths of loneliness, you discover that there is a strength inside of you that doesn’t fail and that propels you to move forward no matter how impossible it may seem.

4) Love, even when it’s real, isn’t the answer to everything.

This year, na experience ko mag mahal at mahalin. And it was the love of my dreams, it was the love that I have been waiting for my entire life: the love that engulfs you, stirs the good inside of you, and the love that leaves you secured.

However, while it was the love that I have been praying for, I have come to know that it wasn’t the love that was meant to stay. What I thought was only possible in movies became a reality in my life and for the short and sweet time it was around, it was everything I have asked for. 

Ang sarap mahalin, ang sarap magmahal, it felt good to not hold back and it felt even better to have given my all. Ang sarap isipin that I have lived a life of love with no regrets and while he left and have taken my entire heart with him, I just keep telling myself that loving him was the best thing I did this year.
However, love, no matter how magical, how powerful, and how real, is never quite enough to quench the demons of another. 

So instead of staying, you let go because in letting go you allow yourselves to become better versions of who you are while hoping that the love you shared will be enough inspiration for the other to keep going through life. 

5) Heartbreak SUCKS but pain demands to be felt. 

I have been pacute with my love affairs before. They weren’t really affairs and they were mostly one-sided, the writer in me has the tendency to overanalyze situations but this time when life gave me my first real heartache, I caved.

Nothing was more difficult than waking up each day knowing you once again had to go through the motions of being okay, not because you’re being untrue to who you are but because you have responsibilities to do. Also, hindi nakaktuwa ang iyak ng iyak so I try to hide it. It amazes me how brave an individual can be until being brave becomes a way of life.

I would want a quick step process for this heartache but I know life doesn’t work that way. Life demands for pain to be felt because sabi nila in the process of feeling the pain, you discover yourself.

I am quick to say that I am not there yet but feeling the pain everyday reminds me that I am alive and reminds me that only joy could have caused me this much pain and so I endure it in the hopes that one day, I wouldn’t have to.

6) You cannot save anybody.

Even if you really want to, even if you promise them that you’ll love them through whatever it is that they are going through. Even if you wish to be patient, even if you wish to be the more understanding one. Because guess what, you have your own demons too. And those demons come out at night and sometimes, all the demons need are reassurance. 

But someone who is busy trying to save himself cannot see past his own troubles enough to love the other properly. So even if the other person had all the patience in the world, mauubusan din.  

7) You can never “positivize” things into happening but you can always believe that things are working out for the good. Also, always be true to yourself.

As mentioned earlier, someone once told me that life is not all rainbows and butterflies. And I know that, I understand that. However, I have also come to understand that sometimes no matter how good your intentions are, no matter how much love you put into a situation, you just can’t win. 

But that’s okay because the sucky experiences teach you about the purity of your heart and your love and that is the most important thing.

8) Experiences deepen you, don’t rush through the process.

Sa totoo lang, gusto ko na maging okay. Sino ba naman ang nag eenjoy na umiiyak every day as in night and day? Nobody. So all I really want to be is to have that peace in my heart, however, the more you rush it, the more it eats you up. 

So savor the moment of crayloa moments in the restroom in between Muay Thai sets and savor the pain because one day, you will be able to say, “Aba, sobrang sakit non but here I am still alive and I am better for it.”

9) Family over everything. 

An important person in my life once told me that family stays when everything else falls apart. He was right about that because now in the wake of the destruction he left, it’s my family who is with me, patiently listening to me and painfully watching me cry.

My dad this morning told me that every time I feel like crying again, I must remember how much he has loved me through the years and in the middle of my tears, I became grateful because God has blessed me with a dad like him. And also a mom who overanalyzes with me and a brother who throws in a “there, there, there” when need be.

10) God is God even when circumstances tell you otherwise.

My prayer to God has been this short as of late, Lord, last mo na yan, nakakaloka, may huling hirit ka pa for 2015. But if there is anything in me that clings to the belief of anything, it’s this, God is always good and because He is, I have hope that things will not only get better but that my best days are ahead of me.

So, I bid you goodbye 2015 and thank you for teaching me the real essence of losing. Tonight, I wipe away my tears and believe that weeping may endure for a night but joy comes in the morning.

The best is yet to come for you, for me, and for everyone you love. Just trust God through it, He has never failed and in no way will He start now. Give Him your losses and see Him transform it into radical joy.

You are loved! 

If you have been kind enough to read my blog in the past year, you will know that summer 2015 has been extremely definitive for me in way that heartbreak does. In the middle of that one of a kind storm, God gave me the beautiful opportunity to share my freedom story with the women of Arise Philippines. It has been seven months since this wonderful chance to share my heart and the secrets I have kept in the dark over years.

At first I was shy to share this video for the shallowest reasons (I was still a few pounds heavier, no make up, bad angles) but ironically, my freedom story is God freeing me from my insecurities so I’m sure that is part of His plans as well.

I am continually amazed at how God continues to work in my life for I have learned a lot as well from the time I shared this testimony and how He continually uses all things including my own mistakes, failures, and heartaches to mold me into the person He has always wanted me to be.

Today, I came across iflix, which is the closest Asians could get to Netflix (but no, I ain’t chilling with you) and discovered my love once again for Ted Mosby. Ten years after it has premiered, Ted continues to captivate my heart and makes me believe that a character was created just for me, I am Ted, Ted and I should have ended up together. 

Just in case you’ve been living under the rock, we’re already in the 10th month of the year. In less than 80 days, we will once again be ringing in the New Year and just like that, 2015 will be nothing more than just a memory.

It has also been three months since I turned 27 and it feels like I have already been 27 for 20,000,000 years! To say that 27 has been challenging so far would be an understatement but let me just make one thing clear, while it might have been challenging, it has also been a blessing.

To be ridiculously, painstakingly honest, I lost my way for a little while. When your entire world crumbles and when your worst fears come true right before your eyes, on the day of your birthday nevertheless, you become a different version of who you are. I’d like to believe that you lose your essence for a time and for a season, you’re just floating in and out of consciousness until one day, you realize that you’re tired of retelling the same old story over and over again. You’re tired of having to explain your broken heart because in reality, nobody has the right to tell you that what caused it wasn’t such a big deal. Nobody has the right to minimize your pain but at the same time, you’ve gotten tired of the ache you feel when you wake up. You also get tired of trying to wonder why it had to happen to you, you’re tired of being angry, and most importantly, you’re tired of not being who you really are.

The journey to getting myself back together was obviously a long and tedious process (as vaguely documented here). It took a month long vacation, a lot of quick fixes, getting over those quick fixes, a lot of conversations with friends, and still a lot of tears for me to be able to see the sunshine again. The sunshine came back into my life slowly and none of it was because of what was happening externally. Believe me, I escaped as much as I could but I realized that at the end of the day, no matter how many well-meaning people walked into my life, I wouldn’t be completely okay unless I stopped relying on external things to make me whole again.

What hurt me the most throughout the process was the fact that I lost what made me me. As a young girl, I have always brought the “sunshine” into the party, wherever the party was. I was everybody’s cheerleader and I loved everyone around me until I bled. Having someone take advantage of that in the worst possible way scarred me to the point of no return. I no longer wanted to be the girl who gave without question. I hid in my cave to protect myself and just like the Beast in Beauty and the Beast (of course, there’s a Disney reference), I decided to hide away.

But today, as I had a wise conversation with a good friend, I have come to understand that the reason why I was so frustrated was because I lost what God has put inside of me out the fear that I would once again be rejected and betrayed. But while I didn’t experience pain, I also didn’t experience joy and most importantly, I didn’t give it out and I was tired of it. I lost what made me me and it left me frustrated.

There is a possibility that I will get rejected and hurt again but that shouldn’t stop me from being who God made me to be because in His name, I find strength and in Him, I begin again. It has been a humbling journey to know that we have a Heavenly Father who loves us, no matter what we’ve been through or how far away we have strayed.

So today, with no big hoolah-balooh, I decided to be me again and it felt good because I missed me.