The State of Life Right Now
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Last night before going to bed I only had one prayer, for me to be able to wake up and be okay again.
Without boring you with the details (and also because I rarely let people know what’s wrong), I just had a transformative week. It was the kind of week that makes you question who you are, what you believe in, and if life is even worth living. It’s safe to say, I had a dramatic week and in a week (actually in about five months), the things I feared the most happened. And guess what, I’m still standing.
And when I woke up this morning, God gave me a strong sense of healing and clarity and instantly, I knew that I would be okay. It even went as far as being happy for this person and wishing this person well. It also gave me a strong sense of self-love, accepting that sometimes on the way of becoming a better version of me, I would have to hurt people, though unintentionally.
It would have been easy to just take it and mask it as unconditional love, but love also means letting people see their behavior for what it is. For once in my life, I refused to be the doormat and while it temporarily broke me, it also made me see myself in an entirely new dimension. No more proving myself to be worthy and no more bending over backwards for someone who won’t even cross a small bridge to get to me.
I tried that and it was good for a time, but once it reaches a point of resentment, there’s nothing better to do than to let go. We can love people from a distance and wish them well, but for them to constantly take advantage of you is damaging to your soul and must be let go of. You were not meant to be hidden or ashamed of, even if you two are just friends or more than friends. Be with someone who treats you like a decent human being. And also, life is not about constantly taking, it’s always a process of give and take.
More than anything, I prayed to have the ability to forgive and to let go of how the situation should have been. So now that it’s over, without having to explain anything, it’s time to move forward.
Only great things are ahead.
“The thought of my pain, my homelessness, is bitter poison. I think of it constantly, and my spirit is depressed. Yet home returns when I remember this one thing: The Lord’s unfailing love and mercy still continue, fresh as the morning, as sure as the sunrise. The Lord is all I have and so in Him, I put my hope.” – Lamentations 3:19-24
27
On the last Sunday of my 26th year, I started a conversation with my 16 year old self. Despite the ten years between us, she looked hauntingly familiar. Her eyes were not as full as mine because her chubby cheeks overpowered her face. They reflected hope though and optimism that wasn’t faltered by mean boys and bullies. I met her in my old room when she was enjoying her One Tree Hill marathon while dreaming of her own Nathan Scott. She was content but had an energy that would not wear off in the next ten years.
She looked at me as if seeing a stranger. She marveled at the weight I’ve lost and asked me what Instagram was. She was surprised to know that her Friendster account with all its testimonies were now obsolete. But more than asking me what became of her, she was more than eager to ask me this question, “Do you have a boyfriend now?” And she looked at me with such expectation of glitz and glamour but sadly the life and lessons I carried with me that night spoke of nothing like what she expected, but to me, they were better.
Life is not like the movies.
My 16 year old self constantly asked me if my life magically changed overnight the moment I fit into a size 4. She asked me rather annoyingly if I finally met my Jake Ryan and I did everything in my power to stop myself from smacking her in the head. I sure as hell wasn’t smoking anything in high school but my 16 year old self was bizarre as hell. But she looked at me with such expectant eyes that I didn’t know how to break this fact to her gently: life is not like the movies. As kindly as I could, I told her that yes you get the guy at one point and you lose the weight and you find the right friends and you get the job but it doesn’t mean much until you get it in your head that these things ultimately don’t fill you up the way you thought it should. So yes, go for what you want but don’t rely on them to fill the aching in your heart. (I do believe it was her turn to kick me after this part of the conversation).
Your parents mean well.
Our next topic of conversation was about our parents. For the longest time, my 16 year old self always struggling with pleasing her parents. Everything she did up until very recently was in an effort to please her parents. And while obeying her parents has led to a straighter life it also led to arguments because of our naturally rebellious nature. But if there’s something I told her that will save her a lot of shouting in the future, it’s this: your parents, even if they don’t say it sweetly, only want what’s best for you. They don’t want you to get hurt and they don’t want you to keep going back to the things that have hurt you.
Love who you love.
Love who you love unapologetically. My 16 year old self raised her eyebrows while diving into a bag of kisses she hid from her mom, “what do you mean love who you love? Of course we fall in love with the perfect guy right? We’re not stupid.” I almost laughed at her assumptions because up until a few months ago, I also thought the same way. But dear 16 year old self, there’s a reason why the heart knows no reasons (or whatever that idiotic quote is), it’s because no matter how many books you study, how many degrees you have under your belt, you love who you love, period. You can’t fight it, you just have to ride it out even if it’s the most gut wrenching experience of your life. By this time she chooses to drop the kisses, cry a bit, and say, “so no happy ending?” I reached out for the kisses and agreed.
Own your soul.
My 16 year old self cried uncontrollably for about an hour before she regained consciousness which led me to my next lesson: own your soul. As highly emotional people, we used to have the tendency let others take responsibility for our heartache while also faking our way through it. The greatest lesson to learn is to own your soul. Know when you’re hurt, know when you’re mad but never blame it on other people. Nobody makes you do anything. Man up and most importantly, don’t give anyone the responsibility to make you happy. Your joy, your responsibility. She stopped crying but now gave me a look as if asking what the hell have I been doing in the last ten years.
Make a mess.
“I know you’re a perfectionist because you think that in being perfect, you will be loved.” She averted her gaze because she knew I was right. I told her to let that go, slowly, and find a healthy balance between achieving and being neurotic. It’s ok to make messy life choices as long as you know the consequences and will be ready for anything. If you’re not ready for the consequences, don’t do it. Also stop believing that there’s only one way to the life you want, it never is, there’s a process and a lot of twists and turns, but believe me, you’ll get there. A little bumps and bruises but you’ll be fine.
Stick to your values but don’t be afraid to explore.
With that being said, it’s important to stick to what you believe in because you believe in them and not because it was dictated upon you. As you grow older, you will have your beliefs tested. Don’t be afraid to explore why you believe in them and return to them once you know in your heart that it’s really what you want.
Be kind to yourself.
You have done a lot of damage to me, dear 16 year old self. You have long believed in lies and those are the lies that I am still trying to overcome. If there’s one rule in life you have to follow, it’s this important fact: be kind to yourself. Stop allowing anyone to tell you you’re not good enough and stop telling yourself you’re not beautiful. You are beautiful because you want what’s best for others, nothing more, nothing less. Don’t let the jocks and the mean bullies tell you otherwise. You may not be a prom queen but you are you and one day, people will appreciate you for who you are. Also, don’t fear rejection: rejection keeps you humble and it keeps you on track. It also doesn’t take anything away from you so keep learning the lessons and keep moving forward.
Let love in.
In the same breath, let love in. Your insecurities and past rejection has clouded you into believing that you don’t deserve love and you’re not surprised when people leave. Listen, people will leave eventually because they have to in order to save themselves, but that doesn’t make you less of who you are. But for the moment that they are yours, let them love you and let them consume you because you deserve to be loved, not because you’re perfect but all the more because you aren’t.
Dance on your own.
By this time, my 16 year old self who dreamt of being married at 25 was dumbfounded by the life I was living. Unattached since forever, I’m still getting over the fact that this maybe what life has for me. Upon saying this, my 16 year old self cried even more, grabbed all the kisses, threw a few at Nathan Scott and screamed, “What’s the point?” and for once, I didn’t stop her tantrum. Truth is, there is no point, sometimes, no matter how much you try, life just never turns out the way you wished it to be at 16. It’s not the life I assumed it would be and if I were completely honest, it wouldn’t hurt to have someone to Instagram with but that’s just how it is.
She asked me if I ever felt lonely and I told her that yes, I did. Despite the tough exterior, I did feel sad sometimes. But I also told her that in me, I found a strength I wouldn’t have found otherwise. The loneliness has pushed me to be compassionate to others while at the same time, learning to love me, something I have ignored over the years. It has also given me the wonderful opportunity to work several jobs, travel, and invest in my family and friends. I told her about the times I would eat and enjoy my own company and told her the wonder of going to bed at night knowing no one was Tinder-ing behind my back (this even depressed her more). After another bout of crying, she looked at me and finally she was half convinced that I could actually be happy despite on the days when my heart hurt. I told her that hurts past and she will be ok eventually. But for the meantime, I told her about my plans of eating at my favorite restaurants alone on the days leading up to my birthday. She asked me if it made me sad to eat alone but I told her I was more thankful because finally, I was able to.
Do you.
I know you’re the most competitive person on the planet. It’s the athlete mentality that you grew up with. You also constantly feel that you’re not good enough and for some, you might not be but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you have the strength to be who you are and we’re still working on that but please know that you are worthy to be loved. Accept that and maybe, finally, all will be well.
She looked at me in disbelief and we stared at each other for awhile, but finally she shrugged and said, “Oh well, I surely believe that life has a surprise somewhere, but if not, you’re pretty cool” and for a moment, I actually believed her.
Soldier On
In the past week alone, I have received about three comments with the same premise, “You look so happy, your life seems so perfect.” I’m not saying this to brag but I’m saying it because it couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve never been the prom queen and my life has always been a battle about what I feel and how I should act.
I’ve always thought that being sad was a crime. I always thought that being sad over things that were clearly not meant for me meant I wasn’t being “hopeful” or “positive”. I always thought that crying meant I wasn’t living out the faith I so clearly based my life on. So unintentionally, I found myself putting on masks. I didn’t want people to see that I was hurt out of the fear that being sad meant I wasn’t being grateful. I feared being sad because i have been told countless times to put my head up, be thankful, and soldier on. And on most days, I do solider on. But sadly, this has led to a pattern of bottling up my feelings in order to ignore them.
But today, I came across this truth from the best Pastor on the planet: it’s okay to admit that you’re not okay and that you’re beaten up. In the same way that we don’t require people to make us happy, we must allow ourselves to feel pain without blaming other people for it. It’s not a sin to feel sad, in fact countless characters in the Bible have said that they have felt loneliness, sadness, and even the sting of unanswered prayers. We’re taught to always “think positive” but sometimes all you can do is sit by the sidewalk and just sigh over something you’ve hoped for for so long that didn’t happen. It’s okay to grieve a relationship that has run its course and it’s okay to just be sad.
It doesn’t make you less of a person or doesn’t lessen your faith. In fact, the doubts and the questions should strengthen your faith because if we accepted all that was given without questioning, then it wouldn’t be faith right?
So today, I’m just sad for no particular reason. I’m owning this sadness for once in my life and hoping that when I wake up tomorrow or even before I sleep tonight, the sadness will go away and in accepting this sadness and this god awful rejection, I do hope that I become a better soldier.
Ironically, the more put together my life is, the sadder I am on the inside. Maybe this sadness is the realization that we can have everything on the outside and still be completely empty. So maybe that’s the first step and maybe it’s completely ok to admit that you don’t have it together and maybe this is what makes me human.
But until then, soldier on.
Random ramblings of an almost twenty seven year old.
Earlier today, I decided to leave my phone at home while I went to the gym and had breakfast with my parents. For most people who know me that may come as a surprise because they know that I am never without my phone. I’ve always been addicted to catching up with people over the million messaging apps now readily available but as I get older, I realize that nothing beats face to face interaction with someone.
In the window after the gym and right before my parents arrived, I had a few precious minutes by myself which I spent browsing through the newspaper and just sitting silently while waiting for my order. It felt heavenly and that’s when I realized that maybe, my friends were right, I have been way too attached to my gadget and it has been giving me the heevies (I don’t know what that word is, it just came out right). So today, it felt good to just be. And then today as I whipped up the articles required of me, I realized I also missed simply blogging without riding it out on an angle or a word count requirement. I am so blessed with the many things that I am doing but wearing so many hats can be quite tiresome at times.
It’s like you’re constantly being pulled in different directions with each hat requiring a different persona, not in a fake way, but in a way that requires something different from you each time. There are deadlines to meet, meetings to attend, people to respond to, and places to be. I am also so blessed to have the relationships in my life flourish, but as with anything in life, each relationships requires a different understanding as well. I don’t know about you but I always give my 101% when it comes to interacting with the people I allow into my life. There’s no “safe” zone with me so when people say, “leave some for yourself”, I always give them a puzzled look because honestly, I don’t know how to do that.
But today, I left all those behind and just simply turned to this window that has been a solace for me for so long.
I recall being an extremely dorky 16 year old tucked away in the corner of the library typing furiously away on this very same blog and relished in it because we didn’t have internet connection at home. I recall my classmates graciously fooling around while I typed my angst away. Even as a child, my head has constantly been in the clouds and I’ve always been an idealist. Recalling my former self reminded me of why I loved writing so much: it simply took me away to another place and gave me the chance to be who I really was. I never quite fit in anywhere and up to this day, a weird part of me never will.
I am turning the big 2-7 in a few weeks and while I am prepping for an upcoming vacation, I couldn’t help but feel a bit nostalgic and emo because you know, here it goes again, another year of my life that is about to unfold. 26 was a BIG year for me in terms of self-discovery and relishing new experiences. This year, God has answered my prayers in more ways than I can count, but I have come to realize that the biggest gift he has given me this year is the revelation that He is enough.
Growing up in a Christian home has given me a clear description of who Jesus is but I never fully understood His nature until I went through several instances that has pushed me to the wall. Ironically, the darkest days of being 26 were on the days where I thought I had it all. It was in having everything that I have ever wanted and wished for that I realized that nothing external can replace receiving the full love of Jesus Christ. You can truly gain the whole world and yet lose your soul with Christ.
I was also blessed enough to experience being appreciated this year. This may seem like a revelation to those who have been adored their entire life, but for a dork like me, it comes once in a blue moon. All the cliches were true, napakasarap pala to be appreciated and at times, adored. When I was in high school, I thought that was what would make me happy on the inside. But again I realized that apart from the love of Jesus, nothing will truly satisfy because you would constantly be living in the fear of missing what was making you whole at the moment. But I’m grateful for it but another lesson is sometimes what you want is not what you need. And if you’re not happy without, you won’t be happy with.
I am also amazed at all the relationships God has sent my way this year. These are friendships that I have just once prayed for. But the biggest lesson in all of this is this gem if you want to have friends, you have to become one and you have to learn to accept people for who they are. By expecting less and working more on becoming grateful (ie: ano ba yan hindi ako kinakamusta has turned into wow, thanks for thinking of me) friendships are easier to keep track of and maintain. In becoming what I sought others to be, I have found myself in the middle of meaningful relationships I have only dreamt of as a child.
And lastly, I have learned the true meaning of being alone and actually enjoy being where you are at the present moment. I have never been a serial dater or a serial relationship-er (it’s a thing, believe me) but I’ve always been a serial crush-er. From the moment I fell in love with Gabby in preschool (where are you now?! haha), I have always crushed on someone and spent ample times of my day wishing he liked me back. Napaka story book cliche ko noon, but last night as I was telling a good friend, I find myself without a crush and to me, it’s extremely liberating simply because I am no longer living in fear of growing old alone because case in point, it’s not the worst thing in the world.
In as much as I would like to continue this, I have to let it go for now (among other things) to go and prep to watch a movie and a basketball game, you know where real life happens. So just in case you came across this and you are sad, don’t lose heart, God is making all things work together for the good so simply rest in Him.
Humanized
Mula pagkabata, hopeless romantic na ako.
My dad would always ask me where I got this weird trait because my siblings are not as emotional or as idealistic as me. I often tell him it’s because I’m the only sibling born in July and cancers are already cuckoo to begin with. Because of my infatuation with the whole idea of love born out of my combined passion for Sweet Valley, Baby Sitters Club, Chick Flicks, and of course, the local teleserye, I already thought I fell in love in the second grade with no other than Patrick Garcia. Since then, I’ve had my fair share of crushes and because I was such a fat dork growing up, I have never experienced having my crush like me back – ever.
As in, I have never had the joy of receiving roses on Valentine’s Day, Friendship Day, or even being asked to prom. My nights were often spent watching One Tree Hill and sighing over Nathan Scott instead of talking on the phone with the “love of my life”. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always had guy friends. I was the girl best friend they shared their love problems with (yung totoo, ano ba alam ko) and the ones who planned all those promposals for them. And it never really bothered me, I loved digging into the love lives of other people simply because it seemed fun.
Without boring you with the already boring details, it wasn’t until college that I experienced my first ever telebabad session with a campus heartthrob (disclaimer: hindi niya sa heartthrob material ngayon). In fairness to my dorky self, I also experienced some level of effort from the member of the opposite sex but I never really understood what was happening until the guy has either a) made out with another girl who wasn’t me or b) disappeared and fell off the face of the earth.
So in a way, I have always been the clueless girl who never played the game. Unfortunately, this pattern continued but I only went out on my first “real” date when I was in my second job already and again, I don’t want to rehash details but that “broken heart” lasted up until 2013. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had crushes, sometimes guys to text with (lol), and even a few “almosts” but somehow I believe they were just all in my head because I badly wanted to feel what my friends felt.
In a way, you can say because of certain beliefs (that I no longer want to discuss because it’s a) personal and b) too long to share here) I have remained single for the most of my adult life. I could tell you it’s because I’ve been so focused on my work but up until recently, it was really because nobody cared enough to stay (hindi drama, reality lang).
And up until that point, I’ve always mistaken the “almosts” for the real thing until I felt the real thing. Sometimes, you really have to be careful what you wish for. My baby brother would often say that we look for what we don’t have and just like the dreamy fifteen year old that I used to be, there were days when I dreamed of the stuff I read and watched.
I got my wish. I got my answered prayer but you know how God works, He won’t tell you the real reason until you go through that season. Now, I’m not saying it was a major thing. In fact, I think the main reason that it hurt was because to the other person it felt so basic, so normal, so ordinary.
Here I was feeling such intensity of emotions and to him, it was simply an order of business as basic as eating, working, and sleeping. And I don’t mean to play the embittered girl because I’m not, in fact, I don’t blame him because he did come with warning signs and yet, I went ahead and fell in the ditch anyway.
I never really talked about this with anyone exhaustively because for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why I was so hurt. It was nowhere near a relationship but somehow, I think it hurt because I intentionally believed the good in the person despite everything I heard about him. And I don’t regret that because I honestly believe that he is indeed a magnificent human being but somehow, I was hurt for reasons I still don’t understand myself. Was it because I wanted it to be more than what it was? Was it because I badly wanted to save him and I couldn’t?
Or maybe, at the core of it, I was hurt because it felt like nothing. It was a hurricane in my life, as in for the first time ever, I experienced the can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t talk, can’t function and waking up in the middle of the night with my heart physically aching. It was really pointless because what I experienced in 2008 was worse but this one, this was the storm that shook my otherwise calm existence.
It made me reevaluate my beliefs, my choices, and to the extent of making me question who I was. It challenged my set of values and made me wonder if it was worth throwing possible happiness out of the window.
It became a period of growth because my values were tested and I stuck with them. Kahit na gumagapang at umiiyak, I held on to my beliefs and faith knowing that God knows what’s best for me, but that’s another entirely different story all together.
I don’t feel angry. I don’t mind being rejected for being who I am. I also don’t feel the need to wish “him” bad because in all honesty, wala naman siyang ginawa but it could also be that indifference that broke my heart because it made me feel like it was all nothing. Like opening up your soul was nothing because it came so easily to him. The fact that it meant nothing to him stings the most because I was sincere with my friendship.
I never wear my heart on my sleeve on this blog and in the past five years, I have been successful in keeping it at bay. However, tonight, I just felt the need to do so without going into detail. Somehow this heartbreak (and for once in my life, na experience ko na siya ng legit) humanized me and another experience God is using to humble me.
I could easily say I regret letting the person in or I can whack myself in the head for being stupid in my choices when everyone around me warned me about it beforehand. I could go on that tirade, I really could, but what would be the point of it?
The main point of the story is this: everything has a purpose. Before meeting this person, I was praying to be the kind of person who loved unconditionally and who gave without counting the costs. I wanted to be mature in the kindness and in the friendship I sowed into others. I wanted to be steady. I wanted to shape my character in order to be the kind of person who remained true to who I was despite the shifting circumstances externally. I wanted to see the best in people and most importantly, I wanted to be brave.
Without realizing it, through this crazy ordeal that may seem so normal to others, my prayers were answered. I thought I was finally finally going to be Haley James but God, as He always does, had other plans for me. He taught me that I didn’t need anyone to be complete or happy. He solidified the things I’ve long believed in and most importantly, He taught me to lean and rely solely on Him. This situation also taught me to stop putting up a tough front and in allowing myself to be vulnerable, I discovered the real meaning of bravery. Bravery is wearing your scars well and soldering on despite the pain.
Bravery is also recognizing the situation for what it really is and allowing yourself to not be consumed by your insecurities. It’s about boldly accepting situations for what they are without having to prove yourself worthy.
Minsan kasi when we get rejected, we often want to fill our social media feeds with us “being okay” but the reality is, it’s okay to not be okay. We sometimes also want to prove something to the ones who rejected us: maganda ako, matalino ako kaya dapat ako ang pinili mo. When in truth, it has nothing to do with that. Hindi lang talaga, the person has reasons that we have to accept.
And most importantly, it’s about letting people be. Someone once told me that sometimes it hurts because you were sincere in your intentions, whether it was for a friendship or something else, and the other person was not. But what can you do? That’s life.
Kahit anong bait ko or kahit anong maganda ang ipakita mo, kung ayaw sayo, ayaw sayo and someone not liking you or fighting for you should not be a point against that person. Let’s stop making excuses and simply let things be.
And also, it’s time to stop counting our good deeds. We are good because we are good not because we want something from someone. We have to be authentic in our relationships. We do things because that’s who we are, not because we want something from another person. Oo, masakit mareject, but that’s what makes us human. That’s what reminds us that no matter how far we go in life, there would still be situations that won’t go our way and that’s not a bad thing.
Okay lang iyon. Hindi nakakabawas yon sa pagkatao mo and most importantly, walang mali sayo if you were rejected. Work on what you have to improve on, learn the lessons, and hopefully finally move on from it (and no, moving on doesn’t mean wishing the person becomes alone forever, moving on means wishing that person well and if that includes him being happy with someone else, then so be it).
And lastly, it may have been a chaotic summer but I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. My dad would always remind me that at least I finally experienced it, at least I finally felt it, and most importantly, I learned. Life would be boring without its seasons and as gut wrenching as this season may be, I don’t regret it, I just want to put it behind me because how else can I enjoy the next season if I don’t close the chapter on this one?
Because who knows baka sa next season eh panahon ko na but until then, we keep learning.
2nd
Today marks my second work anniversary at Perk Comm and I’m still amazed over the fact that it has been two years since I lost my ultimate dream job of being a college professor (who was starting her own department!) and an educational therapist and eventually found my way to the job that is meant for me.
If you only knew the amount of tears I cried and the fears I had in the summer of 2013 when I realized that what I’ve been working towards since I graduated in 2007 were shattered. I was sad but at the same time, hopeful. And for good cause, I was about to enter into the most radical and most exhilarating relationship of my life but of course I didn’t know it at that time. I’ve always thought that I was destined to be a teacher but of course God had other plans (as he always does) and I’m grateful he used that rejection to steer me to the right direction (how cheesy can I get, but this is true).
I always tell the people around me that the most important thing in my life right now is work so it’s always exciting for me to celebrate my work-vesary because it makes me feel like I’m investing in the right things. It’s also a joy to note that the best people in my life I have met through Perk and now as I thank God for all the blessings, I can’t help but laugh a my twenty four year old self who was so scared.
Don’t get me wrong, work has been both humbling and challenging. I have had my own blah days and days when I feel I did’t have it in me to continue but never, not even once did I question if I was in the right place and I think that’s what makes all the difference. Everyday, despite what happened the day before, I wake up feeling excited to go to work. Whatever it is that is going on in my personal life, everything gets thrown out of the window the moment I enter the safe confinement of my work place.
Perk to say at the very least challenged me. It has challenged me to become a better version of myself by throwing out the self-righteous ideal that I was already more than okay. Perk has also taught me to continue to be coachable and teachable despite the many things I have already picked up and most importantly, Perk helped me focused on my own self-improvement instead of constantly trying to be better than everyone else.
It has rewired the way I saw success and without even noticing it, it has also made me more confident about myself, my choices, and my beliefs. All of these things I learned through gritty hard work that sometimes made me feel like the world is against me but I wouldn’t have it any other way.
I guess it’s true what they say that the things that change you, mold you, and eventually grow you are the adversities you initially wanted to run away from. I have been challenged in ways I have never been before and it was those trials or tests or whatever it is that you want to call that forced me to look inside and see the things I was afraid to see: my weaknesses and my faults and in doing so, I overcame my insecurities.
It also taught me to be fearless because no mistake is ever irreparable, in fact, most of them are essential in helping us become who we were meant to be. It’s the mistakes, the regrets, and the failures that ultimately train us and prepare us for life.
I used to think that there were shortcuts, that if I read enough or studied enough, I will be “wise” enough (ironically, this made me stupid) to avoid it. But as my dad would always say, walang madali and these are the things you have to go through in order to grow.
So tonight, I thank God for what is and look forward to what is ahead.
I will never stop believing that the best is indeed yet to come.
Wheel
“Do you ever regret believing the best in people?”
Elizabeth Gilbert was once quoted saying that she has often been a victim of her own optimism and for years, I’ve held on to this quote. You see I have this Tinkerbell mentality that everyone you meet is a good person. Don’t get me wrong, when I was younger, cynical, and wore black all the time, I used to think the worst in people but through the years (and through God’s grace) I have learned to see that people are the way they are for a reason. I don’t think anyone gets out of bed in the morning thinking hmm, I want to be a bad person. People because of their hurts, past experiences, and inner demons tend to be the way they are for a reason. We are quick to judge thinking the world revolves around us and we are quick to retreat when we’re hurt, but in truth, some things have nothing to do with us.
A quote by Pastor Ariel Marquez says, “If you are easily irritated or short-tempered with other people, you have to face the fact that you’re self-centered. Remember that your feelings are not the most important things in the world.”
So it just means that sometimes people can’t pay you attention or leave because of reasons other than your own. I guess it’s safe to say that this blog entry is a follow up to my last one but I’m assured everyday that this is a good way to look at people, especially those who have hurt us. More often than not, people (especially those who care for us) are not out to break our hearts, they just have their own stuff that they can’t seem to get through and we have to respect that. We have to accept also that walking away from you has more to do with them than with us and we shouldn’t berate them for that. Give them that freedom, don’t judge them (I’m still learning this), and believe the best for them. Pray that they get over all of their junk so that they can finally be happy and sometimes, it takes a lot of courage to realize that sometimes that happiness has nothing to do with you. And that’s okay because it doesn’t take anything away from you, it just frees up space for the people who’s meant to stay. The wheel of life isn’t cruel, just ask John Mayer.
So to answer that question, no, I don’t regret believing the best in people even if more often than not, I do end up disappointed. Because I know that believing the best in people may be what they need to truly discover that they are indeed good and that’s is worth the risk and often times, even the pain.
Nothing good is ever wasted.
It Has Nothing To Do With Me
A few weeks ago, I had an entry about Amy Poehler’s popular catchphrase, “Good for her but not for me”. The entry explored how collectively as women we should learn to celebrate the differences in our lives and be confident enough to realize when something is not for us.
Today, I begin again with another sentence, “It has nothing to do with me.” As human beings, it’s quite easy to blame ourselves when relationships of any kind fall apart. We instantly agonize over what we did wrong and the things we wished we did right. It’s an endless game of could haves, would haves, and should haves. We constantly wonder why things went sour and we think of ways to repair it. I don’t know about you but it’s extremely difficult for me to accept that I could have done something and yet I did not. So I overthink, I over analyze, I over react and this I am not proud to say, I also blame myself until I go insane.
But the wonderful truth that my mom told me earlier in the middle of yet another overly emotional rant was this, “it has nothing to do with you”. A person’s choices and that includes not wanting you to be in their lives is THEIR choice. It may not be the choice you wanted yourself but it’s the choice they’re standing by. Some people are decent enough to tell you why but I’ve learned that most people just walk away without even saying a word, but then again that is also their choice.
We have the tendency to think that everything in the world revolves around us and that if we just tried harder, it would have worked. But often life isn’t like that, us making a decision doesn’t speak for the other person. We ultimately cannot control why a person chooses to stay or walk away. We can give out all and do the best we can but that’s really all that there is to it. That’s the best we can do. We can even apologize and make it up to the person but if the person chooses to not be in your life, we can join the circus and it wouldn’t even matter.
You can ultimately be the best version of yourself and still be unwanted. That’s the tough reality of life but the silver lining in all this is the fact that it has nothing to do with us. One’s choices often reflect their own inner life and not ours. We’d like to think that but more often than not, IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH US.
This one sentence one can save us many sleepless nights and hours of over analyzing. It will also help us remain our inner peace and most importantly frees our heart from being bitter. Situations just don’t workout because maybe they’re not meant to but there’s no use constantly crying over them or berating ourselves. Learn as much as you can and then move on.
Free the person who left and believe that one day, there would be people who would stay even if you don’t ask them to and I believe that’s worth the wait.
But until then say this and believe it, “it has nothing to do with me”.
