2006 wasn’t a good year for me in College for reasons I no longer remember. What I held on to so tightly was this blog of mine and my intense passion to write everything down.

I have never really thought of myself as a writer until a very distinguished man in our school gave me the chance to become an editor of our school paper. The dean of the school believed in an unstable, emotional and highly inexperienced 18 year old and it has changed the course of my life.

Truly, there are no words to express how deeply saddened I am by his passing and there are not enough thank yous to express how grateful I am for his encouragement.

But please know, Mr. Alfred P. Milevoi, that I will be thinking of you every time I end an article and i will dedicate each article to you because if it weren’t for your faith in my minuscule ability, I wouldn’t even have the courage to string words together beyond this blog.

May you find peace in the arms of our Father and may your spirit continue to live on in the lives you’ve touched.

They are countless.

Stones in my luggage. Luggage is heavy enough to carry around. There was also something about water.

I’ve heard countless metaphors of how the past can certainly weigh us down and ruin our future. I’ve heard them but never quite understood them.

You see, I am wired to remember stuff.

Of course, I constantly need my planner (color coded this year!) to remember deadlines, meetings and so forth, but I don’t need anything to remember trivial things like the year Britney Spears lost her hair or what Lance Bass’ favorite song when he was “dating” Danielle Fisher.

And unfortunately, I remember painful events in my life with great detail that is often followed by the sharp pain I felt when I went through that painful memory.

Without realizing it, my baggage has become heavy. I used to think that going back to where I used to be would remind me of what got me to where I am today. What I didn’t realize was how destructive this was and constantly going back meant I was never going to be able to fully move forward.

Today, I came across several people from my past and it was as if something inside of me was telling me, “Let it go. It’s in the past.” And as fate would have it, the first preaching of the year was centered on leaving our baggage behind and moving forward — freely in 2013.

As I’ve said, I’ve read the books and I’ve heard the metaphors but it was only today that I truly understood what it meant. Our past victories encourage us to trust in God and they are good “milestones” to keep, however, whatever bad has happened previously is like an anchor, stopping us all from setting sail towards greater seas.

Pastor Paul mentioned, “If you want to move forward, LOOK FORWARD!” which really is overwhelming enough without the whispers of our past hurts haunting us. God has said that His mercies are new every morning meaning that whatever we have not forgiven ourselves for, He has already forgiven us for and all we have to do is to step out and receive that.

All this talk about carrying baggages remind me of the American version of the film Shutter where Joshua Jackson’s back was constantly in pain because the woman he once hurt was literally living on his back. I can just imagine how many pains we carry on our backs on a daily basis, could this be the reason why it may be harder for us to get up in the morning with hope and expectation?

God has so many great things ahead and I believe this with all my heart, but I realized that I could never truly move towards what God has for me unless I have let go of all things I have done wrong and most importantly, what others have done wrong to me.

I cannot keep my scorecard and expect to be free. I can’t constantly play the “my-life-is-better-than-yours” game and expect victory.

I can’t expect my life to move forward victoriously if I am constantly carrying revenge in my heart. My intentions have to be clear, I cannot constantly expect good things in my life simply because I want to tell everyone who hurt me in the past that I am better off.

Oh, what a complicated web I have created.

But what’s refreshing to know is that God’s mercy is new every morning, it’s like we’re given a new beginning to get things right and to ask God to set our hearts right so we no longer hold on to grudges that eventually weigh us down (and if you’re an emotional eater like me– it starts to show!).

So I’m extra thankful to God because He has given me a chance to unload my suitcase, albeit painfully, at the beginning of the year and make room for the new memories that are to come.

You see, the great thing about God is the fact that while He closes doors, He is also the God who opens doors and really, at this point, I am more excited about walking through those doors than constantly asking God why He closed the others.

His ways are above my own and why, that is just truly something to rejoice about!

Can’t wait for your wonderful 2013 to start as well!!! So what else are you waiting for? Happy unloading!

Happy 2013!!! Thanking God for the victory that is ahead! 🙂

I’m a creature of habit, which is why I couldn’t stay away from writing the 12 things I learned in the year 2012.

Just to get it out of the way, future kids, the world did not end in the year 2012. In fact, if you are reading this, then you’d know that by now.

Anyway, here begins the entry: I’m ending the year on a not so happy note, but I am remaining steadfast. If you, just like me, is ending 2012 with a not so happy heart, please know that that’s okay. Don’t believe any of those “la di das” telling you you have to be a certain kind of bubbly in order to “attract” good things in life.

God is the giver of all things good and His word remains unchanged no matter how you’re (or not) feeling and whether or not the calendar changes, ∫God is the same yesterday, today and forever, so hold on to Him. Believe that He has good plans for you and your circumstances, what you’ve done or what has been done to you will never change that.

I’m the queen of lists (obviously) which is why that in order to arrange my thoughts this year, I needed to categorize them into the 4 major groups of my life (am I a dork or what?!).

Work

1) It is okay to say no.

    – I love work. I love my jobs and I have always equated love with saying yes all the time. I never   quite understood the concept of saying no because it might seem like I do not appreciate or place importance to my jobs. What I’ve learned this year is that I am not superwoman and it is okay to say no every once in awhile. I’ve come to realize that by saying yes all the time, I have become a walking timebomb constantly rushing to meet deadlines. By saying no, by saying that I am not comfortable with a particular idea, I find myself breathing a little slower and I’d like to think that I am working better when I am not placing greater pressure on myself to do the unattainable.

2) It is okay to take breaks.

     – I am an absolute workaholic. I love working till late (which is probably 9 PM in my case) and I used to glorify busyness without realizing that it was truly nothing to be proud of. I’ve come to realize that it is okay to shut the computer during the weekends and spend off days doing things I only once dreamed of doing. I’ve come to realize that work does not have to be the only thing in my life, it’s a major part of it, but it is not all of it.

3) Work does not equate life. Success does not define me.

      – I must admit that I have always defined my worth as a person by how much I was doing in life. I guess this is how models and beauty queens feel about their looks. I’m only 24 but I have always felt like I was much older because of the pressure I have placed on myself to have a certain amount of “success”by the time I hit a certain age. I think the greatest lesson I’ve learned in this area of my life is this: work is just that, work, thankfully, it is something I love doing but it does not define me. My salary and my titles do not define me and it has given me a greater opportunity to enjoy my work without rushing to some imaginary finish line that would only leave me feeling empty. I am not completely free from this, but I’m getting there.

Relationships

4) Control Vs. Friendship

    – There are some people who would only accept you as a friend as long as they can control you. In the same way, I have also realized that there are also people in my life that I keep because in some way, they always agree with me and I kind of liked that sense of control. I have come to know that the beauty of friendships lie in celebrating what makes us different and trying to learn from each other’s differences. I have always dreamed of friendships just like in the movies, but then again, I have always disliked the idea of fitting into the mold of the Queen Bee, so maybe those are not the friendships meant for me but there are ones so much better waiting for me.

5) Quantity Vs. Quality

    – Speaking of movie friendships, I have also realized that having few real friends is so much better than having a gazillion of them on speed dial. I love the people in my life right now and I will no longer  be stuck in the thinking that I need a big group in order to pretend to myself that I am well-liked. My real friends love the real, dorky and sometimes, unnerving me and for that I am forever grateful.

6) Allow People To Love You (Me?)

     – Yes, there are evil people in the world but there are also good ones who wish to love me with every finer of their being if I allow them to. So, I learned this year that maybe it is best for me to stop pushing them away and begin allowing them to love me as much as I love them.

Love

7) Mr. Perfect is not Mr. Perfect For Me
   
   – I am not proud to share what I am about to share next, but this year, I came across what would be the Filipino version of Jeremy Lin and Tim Tebow, while I won’t share any embarrassing details, I have com to realize that Mr. Perfect is not a one size fit all kind of thing. That while it might be wonderful to fall for a guy who is exactly like Jeremy Lin and Tim Tebow, I have realized that maybe God has other plans for me and I should stop thinking that this particular person is perfect for me just because he is perfect on paper.

I have virtually turned into a mess this year because of my false expectations of the perfect person and I have realized that in order to truly enjoy life, I have to let God be God in this area of my life and stop trying to fit Mr. Perfect into Mr. Perfect For Me Box. It was an experience I wish I could do without, but it was one that I needed. As 2012 ends, I wish to leave all ill feelings and crushed hopes in 2012 and hopefully when I bump into this person, I would have feel nothing but brotherly love for him.

8) It is not a fairytale

   – Again, God has other plans and while it is not a fairytale, I’d like to think that what God has in store for me is so much better than anything I have dreamed of myself.

9) I can never wish it into being

    – Nope, no Law of Attraction would ever work on this one. If it is in God’s will, it will happen in His perfect time. No more pushing the envelope, as of today, I am done-zo, unless it is God’s time for it.

Personally Me

10) The Power of Responsibility

     – I may or may have not achieved my fitness goals this year and for the first time in a long time, I have made up excuses as to why I haven’t dropped the excess lbs. I have come to realise that it has nothing to do with my weight or how I look but how making up excuses make me feel inside. It made me feel horrific because I know I have the power to become a better version of myself and yet I refuse to do so for whatever excuse of the moment I have. So I have decided to take responsibility for the way I look and the way I work out and what I stuff my mouth with. By realizing that there was a problem, I have taken my first step into what I hope is the best fitness year of my life so far. It truly does begin in our minds.

11) The Power of Perspective

      – I have always been an optimist, but I have noticed that as the year winded down, my pessimistic side got the best of me and I didn’t like it one bit. Being negative and absorbing negative energy just meant so much work and I was often drained at the end of the day. So I realized that the only way we can truly enjoy life is if we take the time to see the good no matter how bad things are and thank God for them. By remaining grateful, we are inviting better things to come our way.

12) Life is Not Perfect, But It Is Always Good

    – As I end this entry, I could only laugh at how hopeful and optimistic I sound. Truth is, you have no idea what is happening behind the computer screen and yet, I am grateful that despite of all the temporary setbacks, I am still here, writing this, still boasting about God’s goodness. You see, I have learned long ago that life isn’t perfect and sometimes things don’t really turn out the way we want them to and yet, we are still left with a choice. We are given the choice to move forward into the new year with faith for better things to come or we can wallow in our misery, thinking that the next year will be the same as the last.

      I choose to stand strong in faith because I know that while, yes, there are challenges in my life, I also know that I have a God who can turn it around. I’d like to think that as I read this entry a year from now, I will be crying tears of joy because God has turned things around for me and for those around me.

     If you are feeling a little uncertain about 2013, know that as you leave whatever has hurt you in 2012 and as you choose to blindingly believe in the goodness of God, you will see His hand in every area of your life and you will see His miracles manifest every single day. I am virtually holding your hand and cheering you on, ushering you into the best year of your life so far.

    Nothing is impossible with God, so together, let’s give ourselves one last cry for everything that has gone wrong in 2012 and joyfully jump as the clock strikes 12, because finally we get to begin and we are given a chance to start again.

I just saw 10 Years last night and basically cried when Oscar Isaac sang to his high school love. Watch and be amazed ladies (and men!)

I have a near to impossible goal now that Christmas is nearing and that is to eat healthier.

Which really is impossible because of all the parties that are to come.

Thank God, my awesome friend, Von Lacorte had some common sense in him and brought Quiznos to the South which really is what the South needs: awesome food that doesn’t stop us from wearing shorts everywhere.

I had my first try last Sunday and was by no means dissatisfied. My family and I devoured its offerings (though I haven’t taken Von’s offer of placing crushed Doritos in my sub) and we came home full but not bloated (the best part).

Here’s a few photos from our first try:

Personal Fave: Chicken Carbonara Sub with Peppercorn Sauce.

It’s almost that time of the year where I usually countdown the things I’ve learned this year.

As the closing of 2012 nears, I am left with many lessons but it all connects to one thing, that of which I am about to discuss here (whoa, that sounded professor-y).

Ever since the fight of one particular boxer, questions about religion have been raised, analyzed and discussed so much that the importance of the discussion has simmered away leaving us with nothing but clashing egos all wanting to be right.

I am not a religious scholar, I just happen to be a girl trying to make my life right in accordance to what Jesus has done for me but somehow, I fell short.

Being raised in a Christian home has given me the wonderful opportunity to know Jesus at an early age. Attending Christian schools have given me the chance to cultivate hope when things seemed bleak, but as I entered the “real” world and was handed real life thrills, I somehow lost my grip.

Three years ago, a resurgent heartache made me question what I was living my life for (or better yet who) and what I base my worth on. Was I truly made to go from one relationship to another expecting to be saved by a human being as broken as I am? I was tired of trying so hard to be loved without realizing that I was already loved.

The journey was fantastic: so many exciting revelations, so many ‘aha’ moments and so many wounds healing that I felt that I was finally free.

And I was, I am.

However, just like in most journeys, it wasn’t perfect.

You may call me idealistic but I somehow believed that just like some magical solution life will turn out the way that I’ve always dreamed it to be: the jock will fall in love with me, I’d be a size 0 and I’d have the perfect job.

I am not proud to say this but I was chasing after the blessings, not the giver while secretly detesting people who were doing the same.

I was spending more time reading the word, listening to podcasts and reading books from the best authors, but my tank was empty.

I just put on a new wardrobe called “Christian Perfection” and I was pretty excellent at the masquerade, except inside I may have healed a bit but a lot of my parts were still broken.

Somehow, in between the first night I cried out in 2009 and today, as I write this entry, I have blurred the lines of passionately falling in love with Jesus and just doing so because I had an image portray.

Society tells us that once we speak of our love for God, we must back it up with action, which holds some truth to it and I do believe that God’s grace does change people, however, never did He say that His love will make us perfect while here on earth.

Where in the Bible did He tell us that in order to be qualified to share His love for us we have to be perfect?

Nowhere and yet we see so many Christians (myself included) struggling with the very same thing: trying so hard to announce to the world that all is well when in fact we are all going through something.

Where did we get the notion that life has to be perfect? That in order to credit being called a Christian we had to be perfect? Why do we condemn ourselves when we don’t make the best choices?

Didn’t Jesus come so He can save us in a way that we most definitely can’t no matter how hard we try?

Is the notion of Jesus’ love for us so hauntingly simple that our extremely intricate mind won’t even try to comprehend it?

I believe that as the year ends, we all have to be reminded that being loved and accepted and saved by Jesus has nothing to do with what we’ve done or what we haven’t done.

God’s love for us go beyond our human reasoning and while we have gotten used to the world’s idea of love where we have to be ‘someone’ (in my case: skinny and beautiful) in order to be loved unconditionally, God’s love for us remains the same and will remain unchanged.

God loved us even before we thought twice about Him. His love for us was so great that He gave up His perfect son for us imperfect ones. God never expected us to follow everything to the core, He knew we needed Jesus which is the reason why He sent Him in the first place and all He expects is for us to graciously accept such lavish sacrifice without contaminating it with our own version of love that demands and rarely gives.

There is no pre-requisite for this kind of love, when all else fails, this is the love we can desperately hold on to.

And as I repeat these words to myself, I find myself relax a little, finally breathing right because I am no longer living in the fear that God will “punish” me or “curse” me when I do wrong. He is not the God who does that, He is the God who loves me even if I’ve lost my way. He loves me even if I don’t act perfect all the time, in fact He doesn’t expect me to.

He expects me to be who He created me to be and maybe, by His grace, I will be a better version of myself but not because I struggled or hid who I really am.

Honesty to self is such a rare trait and I pray that as 2013 begins, I will be more honest about my weaknesses and my mistakes and less concerned about my “image”. That my own imperfections will lead people to the awesome power of Jesus, because despite of my long list of flaws, Jesus continues to work in me and through me. That maybe people will see that Jesus is not one who sneers at us but instead gladly wipes away our tears and assures us that in time, we will be healed and all will be well. That Jesus loves everyone and doesn’t care where we’ve been or what we’ve done.

We are loved as we are.

I believe the best gift we can give ourselves this year is the gift of freedom: freedom from our own hypocrisy and a life that celebrates a love that is freely given.

So celebrate the Holidays with an overwhelming sense of celebration because we are loved, yes we are.

I often get ahead of myself.

In several ways, I tend to forget that my storytelling antics should be confined in my computer screen because in truth, that is the only place where I have control over how the other characters in the story feel or act.

But, I must admit, I am a “head in the clouds” kind of girl, which is why, I find it difficult to not get ahead of myself. 

I absolutely adore daydreaming and often times, I get lost in my make believe world without realizing that  just because I feel that something is right doesn’t mean that it is right or it is how others feel about me as well.

I believe that my notorious daydreaming streak has its advantages (definitely helped me in tremendous ways when stuck in bad traffic) but it also has its disadvantages. I often ask myself how many relationships of mine have failed just because they were not the way I expected them to be.

I also realized that I have watched way too much damsel in distress movies without realizing that I am not a damsel in distress, in fact I fooled myself into thinking that I am without realizing that I am actually okay on my own and I don’t need anyone to complete me (someone to compliment me, yes, but complete me, no) and it’s not completely fair for me to give someone else that responsibility.

I realized that I cannot tread through my life with crutches, with my crutches being people, and while it is true that we were born for relationships, we were not born to depend on them to make heal the hurt within us.

The only real healing balm is Jesus and unless we allow Him to heal us, we will always be defensive and afraid of people. Truth of the matter is, people will always hurt you, no matter how perfect they are and that is why you need Jesus every single day, because you need His strength in order to be able to forgive the unforgivable and love when you don’t feel it at all.

We don’t need anyone to save us simply because someone already did the most lavish saving anyone could offer 2,000 years ago and while it is tempting to fall head over heels and just allow our world to revolve on one person alone, it’s not healthy.

Believe me, I may have lost precious people in my life simply because I rushed and expected so much when all I should have done was give without expectation and wait for God to move.

It’s messy, it’s chaotic but I believe that Jesus thrives in our messes and thrives in making us whole again so allow him to do just that and in time, the right people, will come.

HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL PEOPLE I KNOW!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LOVER!

This is my little surprise for an awesome girl such as yourself.

It is really a small thing compared to all the joy, the encouragement and the support you have brought into my life. You are a blessing to me and I hope this little surprises reminds you of how much I love and appreciate having you in my life.

I wish for nothing but your happiness and for your wildest dreams to come true. You inspire me to become a better, more confident person and I truly appreciate the fact that you are only a text message away. I also admire your creativity and how well you dress! But what’s even more amazing is that underneath your beautiful exterior is an even more beautiful soul. You are truly the definition of a beautiful, selfless person and I wish you nothing but God’s very best this year. He has great plans for you, even greater than the ones you have for yourself! Be ready lover, God has nothing but beautiful things ahead for you! HAPPY HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! YOU ARE SO LOVED! Thanks for making me cool, homie! I LOVE YOU VERY MUCH!

The aim really of this blog entry is to celebrate you and the many lives you’ve touched on your special day.

From Caprice Hey Lamb 🙂 In case you weren’t aware of it, I wanna let you know that you’re the most kindhearted person there is around. This trait of yours has held true over the years. I admire you for sticking by your virtues. You are a strong person. I know life has been throwing hurdles at you here and there. But i see a light in you despite the hardships and sadness. Keep at it. You may not know it but you have the ability to move people with all these little things you do.  Im so proud of you. Maybe you havnt heard this being said enough, so here i am saying it loud and clear 🙂 im glad that you’ve found an avenue where you can freely express yourself and grow. Out of the thousands out there, you’ve been part of the chosen few. Make the most out of it laav 🙂 soak it all in like a sponge. I know you have a lot to learn from this opportunity 🙂 I wanna thank you for all the times you’ve always been there for me. You were always always the one who made me feel that it was okay to be weird. Those little gestutes of yours telling me it’s that it’s okay to be a offbeat has made me more sure of myself. I want you to know that i will do the same for you. I will always have your back nig. That’s never gonna change and you can count on that 🙂 you’re my girl. We’ve known one another for over half our lives and have shared even the deepest of secrets to one another. Know that whatever you do, i’m not here to judge and I will always love you. HAPPY BIRTHDAY YOU FREAK!  Xoxo,  Cap

From Pat Hey Dea!  Happy birthday! This letter is just one of the ways I can show you that you are important to me, and although I know I hardly get to show you, I hope that you know that you are one of the people that hold the biggest areas in my heart:3  Not really sure how to write a birthday letter since we haven’t done this since, highschool? I guess I  can just start of by letting you know that only once in a while do I come to you for something super important and drastic, but that doesn’t at all mean that you are any less of an importance to me. Every so often you let us know that you feel as if we aren’t showing you enough love or enough support and I have to admit that I do come short a lot. And I know that despite those short-comings, you’ll still be there. I just want you to remember that despite these things, and those failed gestures or preoccupancy that I am dealing with,  you are still one of the people that will always be at my priority list.  Never forget thatI will cancel dates, move my schedule around and stay up if I have to, just let me know whenand I will. I really feel bad when you feel like you’re not shown enough support or enough  love cause I feel like a failure as a friend but I hope you know that I will show you when I get a chance. I was hoping to take that chance this year for your birthday, and I guess the only gesture I can give is through the internet. I’m sorry for that. But I know you understand:) Thanks for being one of the my home girls. One of the people I find comfort in and one of the  sweetest and most loving people I know. I don’t know if I ever told you that I learned a lot from you.  I learned alot by observing your relationships with friends, with alec and with your  family. I also grew up and matured as a person watching how you handle certain situations, and although I don’t always tell you, I think about you and how you handle things a lot. I hope you know that you inspire a lot of things and a lot of people. I watched you grow up and to tell you honestly, I’m so proud of you. You used to be a girl who felt like she had no talent or nothing to contribute but look at you now. Your blog is picking up, you’re graduating soon.  You are gorgeous and intelligent. You have an awesome family and an awesome boyfriend who loves you so much unconditionally.You also have a silly bunch of friends who will forever be here for you no matter what. I hope now,even though its through a mere letter, you know that despite the fact that I don’t always let you know how much you mean to me, you do, alot.  You’ll always be one of my best cholas. I love you darling. Happy happy birthday.  All my love!  Patty G(angsta)

From Chloe Hi darlings,  My birthday wish for you is that you stay true and real to yourself by develop a strong spiritual foundation. We definitely are different in every way possible, but we both accept diversity and although we don’t talk as much – I am still always here. You can call me at random even if its just something you need from me. I pray that in the next year you just continue to grow deeper into the truth. Also, you should go to more gigs with me! Its really a great experience to be exposed to so much local relevance and local art so beautiful and hand made. I am graduating soon and I want to take that opportunity to look into personal projects and a big part of that is always my friends. I hope this year I’ll naturally see more of you till it becomes a habit. My message is short, but I mean every single word.  Happy Birthday, Lambs!  Love and light, always.  Chloe.

From your cousins, special thanks to Allysa.

From LA Hi Dea! Happy happy Birthday! Thanks for being cool! I think you can be my kabarkada someday, you know, when you’re cool enough. 😉 always stay sweet and never ever change! You da best!  with hearts, LA. From Satoki  and Andrew (Sorry, couldn’t find photos) Hi Dea! Happy birthday!!! Finally 20 yous so old foo, moving on. I hope you have a great one wherever you plan on celebrating it. I wish you, your family, and Alec all the best. Thank you for the number of times you’ve heard me out and given me advices thick and thin. I really miss you and everyone in the Philippines, I hope I get to see you this season, it would mean a lot to me, but no pressure haha. Anyways, keep doing what you do, keep making people happy, just don’t stop being yourself even for a second, love and love back always. I’m blessed to have someone like you in my life. God bless you, Dea. Wish you all the best and have a fruitful year ahead you! – Satoki Hey Dea! Happy 20th Birthday! 1 more year before you become a full pledged woman. Hope your year has been great and I pray you have an even better one next year. Have a good time at Bora! Cheers! -Andrew ** Special Thanks to Allysa and your awesome boyfriend, Alec for all the help 🙂

From Cat

LAAAAMB! You survived another year and you’re now celebrating your birthday. We’ve been through so much, even if not everything is good times all the time. But know that I’d do everything all over again as long as it’s with you. You may get a lot of gifts today, but know that you are a gift to me as well. you are amazing person with an amazing heart. Cheers to the weirdest(but damn pretty)person in this world! May your birthday be a very special one. May God Bless you and grant you plenty of birthdays so that you are always there around to make this world a happier weirder place to live in. HAHA love you so much lambs! Happy Birthday!

“You’re cheating on God. If all you want is your own way, flirting with the world every chance you get, you end up enemies of God and his way. And do you suppose God doesn’t care? The proverb has it that “he’s a fiercely jealous lover.” And what he gives in love is far better than anything else you’ll find. It’s common knowledge that “God goes against the willful proud; God gives grace to the willing humble.”
– James 4:4-6 (MSG)