This serves as a pivotal aha moment for me.
Let’s rewind to a year ago, when a not so nice guy stabbed me in the heart and twisted it right out of me. He was the type of guy who would not only break your heart but also make you feel like the most worthless woman on the face of the earth with no right to feel love, be loved and be somebody.
It was the kind of pain that took me almost a year to get over and forced me to:
A) Gain Weight (I’ve lost them and more, another sure sign, that indeed I am over him)
B) Be insecure ten times over
C) And think that the world is a cruel, empty place.
There’s something to be said about someone breaking your heart, I have dealt with the monster called rejection in high school, but none of those were as cruel as the guy that I am talking about in this particular entry.
I’ve watched enough Dawson’s Creek to understand the cycle of the world, that sometimes the person you’re willing to sacrifice your entire life for (okay, maybe this is a little tad too dramatic) just doesn’t decide to love you back and you know that’s okay. You don’t committ suicide or cry for ages, you simply accept it and the fact that it really has nothing to do with you and move on.
What sucked about this particular monster is the fact that he has this inate need to shout to the world how undeserving you are for obvious reasons.
And you know, not even once did I ever retaliate because I know that the battle is not mine to fight and it isn’t a battle that I would want to fight anyway.
But on most days, I simply wanted to smack myself for even thinking that he was worthy because you know, he was a lot of things but worthy was not one of them.
But then again, I cannot blame this particular juvenile delinquent simply because he taught me a million and one things without knowing it. (I think I already create a book entitled, How to Spot a Jerk in a second)
So you know I went on with my life, not dating anyone because I wanted to get even (who the hell does that anyway? oh yeah, him!) but I just immersed myself in work and other things and I just woke up and suddenly felt better.
Even though, I’m this little angel (I am being sarcastic, you do know that right?), at the back of my mind, I’m still waiting for that aha moment. That aha moment that would seal the deal.
And that moment came about an hour ago courtesy of a really good friend and I really love her for that.
You see when someone rejects you, your inital reaction is, “What’s wrong with me?” but truth is, this question should be asked by the other person instead.
I always thought I was not good enough for him because of a lot of varied reasons that he instilled in my head.
For a year, it’s always been that way, it was my fault, it was how I looked and so on.
But today, today’s the day that I get to say, “Ha! So who’s happy now Smug?”
Now, I can only look back with tears forming in my eyes, not because I’m crying over him but because I’m laughing at how pointless the whole thing was. At how much time and effort I wasted over someone who was not even worth a single cent of my time.
I’m not in the position to condemn the life that he’s leaving but I guess this aha moment comes after the realization that God does have a better plan for my life and far better than I could ever imagine.
Also, this strengthens my belief in the fact that yes, there are battles that you won’t fight but whoever said that no one was fighting on your behalf?
It was a smackin’ good day and I bet all the days after this would be as good, or I dare say, even better.
So kudos to you. I really hope you’re happy.