Today was supposed to be the day.
That’s what I often tell myself.
When I was a little girl, I would often wonder when that day would come. When all the rejection would make sense and when all the pain would be washed away by tremendous joy and since I’ve always been a fan of movies with a Prinze in it, I’ve always thought that my answer would come in the same way.
I’m 22 now and it has not come in any way, shape or form that is remotely close to Freddie Prinze Jr. or Justin Timberlake (even Bieber didn’t make the cut).
I’ve always thought that my self-worth would be defined by my job, my friends, my clothes and my partner. Just like the in the movies, I’ve always thought that once I will be given all these things, even if they’re not in the same order, I would be perfectly happy, that whatever comes my way, i’ll be good because I have all of the above.
So I was always walking in eternal disappointment because my self worth was defined by the things around me instead of what was inside of me.
I’ve always been told that I was loved. Sunday School made sure that every Sunday we sang “the love of Jesus sweet and marvelous” without a fail.
I wish that was enough to remind everyone of His great love, but just the way the world works, it was never enough.
I’ve read countless books and verses about His love and probably memorized half of them but it never made sense because it was intangible, it wasn’t something that I felt so I searched for external sources to make me happy, I looked to other people to make me feel good about myself.
And because of certain things that has been said about me and to me, I always thought I didn’t deserve the best, I deserved second place but never first place.
I thought I was in it on my own. I thought that all the fears in my head were in there because I was me and I somehow deserved it.
I was going through life not fully enjoying each step because I was too busy waiting for something beautiful when all I had to do was sit down and accept what has been freely given.
I was one of those people. I was one of those people who thought that Jesus was in one compartment of my life but not in other areas.
How could He have a say in my friendships? How can He have a say in my future partner? Those things I could figure out on my own without bothering Him about it.
I came across an old journal and read an alarming scribble said during the time of deep confusion, I stupidly wrote, “I know Lord that if I give this area to You, you’d find a way to mess it up.”
Oh how I regret those words.
For one thing, if He did give me what I was praying for during my time of deep idioticity (it’s a new word, it has a ring don’t you think?) I’d be in a really deep mess right now.
And another thing is, I really didn’t need anything to make me joyous about life. The enemy has stolen from me so many years because he made me believe that I needed to have a specific set of friends and they needed to respond a certain way, the enemy constantly taunted me saying that I needed to be loved by a significant other in order to prove my worth.
So many dark thoughts. Not one out of the ordinary but they attack us every single day.
We are never enough.
Rejection is the only way to go.
You will never find a guy who would be man enough to treat you right so settle for the one that you’ve got.
And since we are grounded into the lie that we need someone to feel good about ourselves we stick with someone whose heart isn’t in the right place, brokenness is infectious, whether we are aware of it or not.
But now my eyes are wide open, it’s as if the blinders that has been set by the enemy is gone and I see the world clearly.
God sent me His son to die for my mistakes.
It’s been repeated a million times but we never seem to get it.
SOMEONE SO POWERFUL SENT HIS ONLY SON TO DIE FOR US. SOMEONE SO MAGNIFICENT SENT THE LOVE OF HIS LIFE TO TAKE OUR PLACE.
There is so much freedom in that.
You are loved.
You are cared for.
He has His eye on you 24/7 and there is nothing, no amount of stupidity or foolishness can take away His love for you.
I wish I understood sooner how much He loved me, that way I wouldn’t have wasted so much time trying to get the attention of someone that wasn’t even meant to be in my life in the first place.
He loves and because He loves me He sends and would send me the right relationships just because He can but my source of joy does not come from those relationships but from Him who gives it.
YOU ARE LOVED AND HE LOVES YOU NOT BECAUSE YOU ARE PERFECT, HE LOVES YOU JUST BECAUSE.
No buts, no rules, no anniversaries, no time frames.
He loves you and your future (yes, even your future partner) is taken care of just because He loves you.
Let Him in.
You wouldn’t have to depend on anyone again, nobody can take away that joy in facing everyday because only He can make that difference in Your life.
YOU ARE LOVED. If there’s anything you need to know it’s that sentence.
YOU ARE LOVED.
And you know what? In His beautiful time, all things will fall into place the way that it should.
So soak in His presence, soak in His joy. All is well.