me and my distorted idealisms


Ideally, I pictured my high school years to be just like Rachel Leigh Cook’s in She’s All That. I also thought of myself as this geek who would later turn into a princess once my prince charming has come way.
High School is way over and still no prince charming in sight.

Ideally, I pictured myself at 17 as someone who is so sure of herself, insecurities could no longer bother her and life is picture perfect, one that even teen princess, Jennifer Love Hewitt would envy. (Give me a break, I was 13 when I made this assumption).
I’m seventeen, no where near perfection, although I am happy with myself, insecurities do come once and awhile to shake my otherwise normal existence.

Ideally, I saw myself at every cool party. Being the life of the party and going to one every week would make my teenage years perfect.
To begin with, I don’t even enjoy parties where drinking and making out is involved so I don’t care if I go or even if I’m invited to one.

Ideally, I want a guy to sweep me off my feet and make Romeo from Romeo and Juliet look like a wuss. I want a guy to introduce himself the minute he sees me and from that perfect moment, our friendship would start that would later on turn into a blossoming love story. One that has never been seen since Ever After was released. I would be courted and it would take a while before I give my “yes”.
To add to the humiliation of this stupid idealism, there was a specific guy involved. I did meet that guy but no sparks flew. I seriously had everything planned out, where our first date would be, how he would admit to liking me after a year of friendship. Yes, that’s me, the freak.
And also, I realized that courtship is a stupid ritual done by utterly superficial people. I actually think that dating is more appropriate. But I still don’t think that you should use dating as an excuse of getting…*tooot* without commitment, that IS one idealism that is totally totally irrational and dense.

Ideally, I dreamt of being asked to the prom in front of a lot of people. I so wanted that “proposal” to be during the flag ceremony back in high school. I would gush and say yes and feel like the prettiest person on earth.
If you’ve read some of my past entries then you probably know what happened to my prom.

Ideally, I just wanted life to be perfect. I want everything into place the minute I turned sixteen. I believed that everyone I would come in contact with would be good friends and my Freddie Prinze jr. has already arrived.
I’m seventeen and as I’ve said a million times, life isn’t perfect. I’ve realized that not everything in this universe revolves around me and that life wasn’t always as perfect as those made for TV movies I’m so fond of.

Life is difficult. Life is never perfect and was never intended to be.
That, I realized. I also realized that nothing would ever fit my out of this world idealisms. When I look at these idealisms now, I simply laugh at my innocence and folly(?).
This realization may be why I’ve been easier to myself and life in general. I no longer try to “cookie cut” the bad parts of my life just so I could pretend that everything is colorful and perfect. I’ve been living that life for so long and I’m sick of it. I make mistakes, I am a huge klutz and often speak without thinking when nervous. That’s me and if people love me for it, thank you, if not… well, I love you na nga lang. Hahaha. This is my life and I’m not ashamed to be transparent about it. I don’t intend to pretend to be perfect just so people could feel inferior. I have my good days and my bad days, I’ve learned to live with it.

Also, I realized that my criteria of perfection for my very own Freddie Prinze Jr. could never be filled by anyone on this planet. I was asking too much. I expected too much and hardly had tolerance for those who didn’t quite fit the criteria. Ideally, I wanted a relationship that would never hurt me. I chose to stay away because I didn’t want to get hurt. I was afraid of being hurt so I rather stay in my enclosed world drooling over Matt Long and Michael Rosenbaum. For the longest time, that was enough for me. Until, I snapped out of it and realized that how could I ever grow if I didn’t take the risk? A good friend of mine, Kara Arigo, also told me that I shouldn’t be afraid of pain because this is what would teach me compassion and the like. She was right. I should stop being a cynic. I should take the risk.

Which is why, slowly, I’m trying to let my guard down. It may take awhile to break down what took me years building, but at least I’ve already made the first step.