“I have tried in my way to be free” -Leonard Cohen

I’m numbed. It’s like I’ve gone through several high highs and low lows that I no longer have the energy to feel things. But this is where I’m beginning to see things more clearly. I need major restructuring in my life.

I think my heart’s been filled with so many negative things that I need to let all of that flow out of me so my heart can be big enough to love again.

Before discarding all of those negative things, I have to realize what they actually are and the lessons I’ve learned. Then from there, let it all go and try as hell to start a new:

• Office Politics

It left me in a state of shock, calloused, hurt and with a low self esteem but I’ve learned that well, it’s all about the “experience” part anyway. It also taught me a thing or two about humility and how to deal with these people in “God’s Terms” and not mine (if I had it my way, a pumpkin and a chainsaw would be involved. HAHA). It’s all about not fighting back and repaying evil with kindness. It always worked before. In God’s perfect time, baby =)

• Friends that have turned to non-friends

This doesn’t really torment me anymore simply because God has replaced everyone that I have lost along the way. Honestly, I know I’ve had my fair share of catty-ness as well so if I ever I offended you in anyway: I’M SORRY.

• Love, oh silly love.

Jessica Simpson may be a dumb blonde who doesn’t do anything except gush abotu her man (Well, I do see her point, have you seen him?!), but she did make sense when she said this:

“Sometimes, to find a love as big as that, you have to go through some heartbreak, some ugly ones and some butthead ones.You go through that to really appreciate where you are in life right now.”

I’ve fallen in love last summer and it’s not a question of whethe or not he loved me back. It’s just that I fell, gotten bruised and well, shattered myself in the process of trying to get up. I’ve turned to equally unreliable people and may have even hurt some in the process of justifiying that pain. Truth is, it will never be justified unless I perform brain surgery (HA HA). Getting up from it has been difficult but remaining in that dump would be the worse. I no longer want to be the victim. Maybe, just like Jessica, I’ll find “my sunday” soon enough. But at this time in my life, that’s really not the point.

Now, that i’ve let that all out, it’s time for the fast to begin. Wish me luck. Have a crazy, great and lovely week ahead lovelies =)