Which in true motherly fashion was true.
What this is is nothing compared to the immountable heart ache that I overcame without the help of a rebound last year.
But that doesn’t make the sting and missing go away, but that’s beside the point.
My parents, my mom in particular, is way too idealistic when it comes to the guys that I talk to her about and this maybe because, just like me, she fell in love with the first boy I took home to meet them.
He was intelligent, bright and well-educated. Someone who could do no harm to thier precious compassionate, ill-tempered, driven and highly-emotional middle child.
And yet he broke me. He broke me in a way that made Tortillos my best friend and for months all I could do was slumber in the world of Twilight because the real world was too painful.
And in my mom’s mind, If the wonder boy could break her daughter this much, what hope was left with the rest of men in the world?
Also, that specific situation proved to my mom that I was the fighter.
That among her children, I was the one who could stand on her own and who didn’t need a man or to be in a relationship to know her worth. My mom knew that I had enough fire and spirit in me to succeed without the help of a man. I was the daughter who only used men as accessories and nothing else.
Even before I had that realization, my mom already knew that I had it in me.
In her world, without verbalizing it, my mom believed that I had the strength that she never had and that I possesed this spirit of independence that she could only wish for my siblings (okay, i’m not the prettiest of the bunch, so give me this, okay?).
I told her the other day that I didn’t want to be ugly, fat and single and she told me that it was only a choice. You can be successful, beautiful and single.
And let me tell you, this is some hardcore pressure. My mom keeps reminding me that if he’s not going to do good in my life, what was the point of letting him in? And you know what, i’m starting to believe her.
Most people would tell me that if I don’t let people in, I’ll end up being bitter and alone but I detest.
As an example, I recieved an e-mail from one of my students from Korea and let me tell you, if that’s not love, then I don’t know what is. To be able to share love with more than just one person is incredible, it’s the best feeling in the world.
I would admit, I love the drama, but never when it comes to relationships, I have so much on my plate and so many dreams I want fulfilled that the drama that relationshits cause merely add an added form of stress that I could use somewhere else.
My mom believed this even before I realized all of it, which may be the reason why she was so careful the second time around.
She knew that her wise and independent daughter would fall for his own wise cracks and the games (oh why oh why does independence relate well with challenges) of the sweet boy. My mom knew my weaknesses as well and she knew that the boy would turn away because her daughter was too strong and too independent to be tied down.
My mom knew it all even before I went through all of it but she didn’t say anything (yes, believe it or not, my mom had nothing to say about him or what was happening).
I know my mom’s afraid. She’s afraid that her independent daughter will cave again and end up breaking her heart again because sometimes the broken daughter can be extremely emotional and stupid.
I wish I could tell her to not worry about me that much, yes I fall hard but I’m more cautious (I think that’s the reason why they never work) and I pick myself up and learn to dust myself off, a little wiser every single time.
I wish I could tell my mom that every battlescar results to an improved me, to the daughter that she claims to be proud of.
I get hurt, but I know how to use it for my advantage.
And as I close this entry, I hope she knows that she raised me well and the feist came from her.
And it’s because of her that I learned that nothing is sexier on a woman than independence and only the truly deserving guy knows this and won’t punish me for it.
So if you read all the way through, congrats and give yo’ mama a hug for me because I know she feels the exact same way for you.