It’s not a secret, I’ve been having a sad couple of days just because. No particular reason, just sad all over the place.
And then Regina Larissa Lim YM-ed me and everything changed, aside from the fact that she gave me really sound advice about the company I keep, she also gave me the link to the blog that KC kept before she died (this truth still gets stuck in my throat).
And i’m really trying not to cry because I’m in the room with my parents and it would be too weird and KC hates it when I cry so I won’t.
But really KACE, you are so wonderful.
You see before I logged on to KC’s site, I put this on my twitter account, “What would you do KC? What would you do?”
And the link arrived and everything just fell into place, the blog was kept for awhile and the last entry just entirely broke my heart.
It broke my heart because since we were seperated by different schools and different social lives, we never got to hang out as much. I hope KC knows that I always wanted what was best for her.
But I think KC led me to this link to make me feel guilty, but to make me understand something. You see, in that particular blog, she wrote about how she pushed every guy away and that just really hit me, seriously, if I was standing up, I would have buckled and fell.
She said something along the lines of not being open enough to let a guy in, instead, she closes off and “leans back” (direct quote) and now, after I got over the shock, I’m laughing, I mean seriously KACE, how twisted are we that we don’t think we’re meant to be loved?
Why did you run away? Why am I running away?
I wish you were a text message away but I guess we would just overanalyze everything until we arrive at the conculsion that we don’t have any.
I mean seriosly kace, why are we so fcked? But I guess, it’s really not about that at all.
Maybe that’s not what you’re trying to tell me.
Maybe, you’ve gained wisdom from all the angels and music and rainbows that surround you and maybe you’re trying to tell one of your oldest friends that she should stop being so afraid and that she should give people a chance and she should stop expecting too much from people and appreciate what people give her.
And I think KC’s trying to tell me that I should stop being so freeakeen negative all the time.
Oh KC, I just really miss you. I think you have unfair advantage here, because I think you know how things are going to turn out and that’s unfair!
But I guess I need to follow my gut and believe that there’s something wonderful that’s going to happen soon. I should just really stop being afraid and go for it.
And as for the friends I tagged, we’re still here and I know we’re busy but I hope we find the time to see each other.
It’s rare to find people who’s been friends with you since you were ten. I miss you guys.
We’re here, let’s make it count.