I started this blog when I was sixteen, but I’ve been blogging since I was fifteen. It’s funny how ridiculous my entries were, but still they spoke of specific times in my life and whenever I look back, it always makes me smile.
I’m 21 now and there are some blog entries that I look to with hurt and hate (how could i be so cheesy) while there are ones that I look at with a hint of regret, as if thinking, where is that girl? Is she still in me?
I used to be so optimistic, even though I believe that my disposition is happier now but I used to have this crazy faith. This faith that believed that there was a greater purpose for great hurting and I used to have a stronger sense of self.
In my previous blog entries (as in really previous, circa 2005) I had this belief that God has this wonderful plan for me and I don’t know where I went wrong. What happened and when I started to become so negative.
When did I stop believing that God had this wonderful plan for me and if I believed strong enough and prayed for it strong enough, things will fall into place and I will experience God’s best in my life.
I guess in the duration of this little journey into adulthood, I succumbed to the evils of this world, which is present, no matter how happy or optimistic we get.
I thought that being immersed in the word would keep me from becoming so negative but I’m human after all and it takes me awhile to open up to people, so when I do, when I trust them, it’s only natural for me to expect from them but I guess, as my best friend said, I really can’t trust people that easily. Or I can’t expect from them simply because no one’s perfect, despite my idealistic view.
As I look back to what has happened to me, I really can’t point to a time where it turned around for me and when I started expecting too much from people and forgetting to simply enjoy what was given.
I also cannot remember when I stopped believing for God’s best and thinking that the scraps would do. I really don’t know when I lost control in that area of my life, I used to have it together, but somehow in between seventeen and twenty one, I lowered my standards without lowering my ideals and it always left me in a compromising situation since well, I can’t lower the standards I promised to abide to when I was thirteen but I was expecting people who weren’t God’s best to understand it.
Somehow, despite the fact that I put up a font of sheer happiness, I have all this grudge inside and for the life of me, I cannot get over it.
It doesn’t mean that I’m this bitter old hag, it just means that every time I get disappointed and every time, my heart breaks, I draw a bigger guard around it. So counting the number of times that my heart has been left disappointed in the past two years, I guess there’s a big barrier that has resulted.
This barrier caused me to stop believing that God is working in all areas of my life and it left me bitter, cynical and too expectant.
I was in my Education Class yesterday and since we were talking about sociology and different personality types, I couldn’t help but feel that I sabotage my relationships because I always find a reason to ruin it even before it has started.
I leave no room for improvement, no room for mistakes, everything has to go by my standards or my way before I believe that it is true.
And going through old blog entries, I cry for the wide-eyed seventeen year old who believed that her older version would make better choices.
People keep giving me advice on how to handle it and I understand their sentiments, I understand what they’re trying to tell me and that they’re trying to help but I hope that it doesn’t come with judgement. We all eff up sometimes you know, a little understanding would go a long way.
It amazes me how I have everything together in my life. My job, my career, where I want to be five years from now but when it comes to this particular area, I believe I’ve made so many boo-boos I couldn’t get up.
I want to discover that girl again and her belief in the greater good. In her belief that miracles happen everyday and that there was something wonderful awaiting her and that every trial equaled a greater blessing.
I want to be her again, only wiser and I want to appreciate the people in my life. I don’t want to cut them out just because they hurt me unintentionally the first time around.
I want to stop expecting from people and I want to simply be grateful for the little adventure and color that they add to my life, no matter how short or how long they lasted in my life.
I want to wake up every day knowing that something great is bound to happen every single minute of every single day.
I want to stop shutting people out of my life and I just want to live it.
Maybe, also, today is the day that I start keeping things to myself and see where it manifests from there.
Maybe, the reason why we’re being given this space is because we need to regroup our thoughts and see what we really want and how we want to act towards this.
There’s always room for improvement and I’m moving forward in faith.