A wise person told me yesterday in between giggles, “You have to be concious of your patterns in order to break them.”
This random conversation on a rainy workday inspired this blog entry. Without boring you with the details (aka keeping my private life private ala Kendall Jenner), I was once again going through a series of monologues in my head brought about by a) overthinking and b) even more overthinking.
My brain doesn’t go just a mile a minute, it goes 20,000,000 / minute, it’s impossible for people to catch up because in my head it has ended before even before it began.
So while ranting over something trivial, my officemate turned friend Ley (we weren’t friends from the get go but we have developed a solid and transparent friendship over the years of working together) told me in her Ley-ness, “Girl, ikaw ang common factor. Ano ba kasing ginagawa mo?”
And it made me think. What have I been doing? Painfully and excruciatingly so during horrendous Manila traffic, I dissected what I’ve been doing wrong. And while some maybe too delicate to share via this blog, one major factor I can share with you, with no holds barred and filter is this, I depend so much on other people for my happiness.
I know that’s not what an independent 21st century woman should say but admitting it helps. I could go on and on and blame other people for making me the way I am but why do the have that much power over me anyway?
My heart is ferociously loyal too much too soon into the “game” (seriously whoever invented that should just rot and burnin hell right now) and as an innate “go-getter” (for a lack of a better term), I go for what I want with no hesitation. If plan A doesn’t work, I have 24 other plans to work on. You see, there’s always a way and no is not an option.
Because of this, I overcompensate. At work, that’s a good thing, in other areas, not so much. I cannot for the life of me take defeat sitting down.
This is also probably because so much of my happiness depends on another person’s actions and that’s the one thing I cannot control. I keep thinking that if I just work harder, I’ll get what I want but that is seldom the case.
Another person’s decision has nothing to do with me. Another person’s decision is their decision and I have to accept that without being reduced to it. To constantly wait around to be validated in the way that I want to be has been very damaging to my soul and I have to consciously work on it as to not poison all other parts of me.
Also, I have chosen to be true to who I am: a true blue dork who cannot for the life of me play the game if my life depended on it. I have been berated for being this woman for too long and I used to be ashamed of how pure my intentions are until today.
Yes, some people will never like me because I pick up their calls too soon or I respond to messages instantly but I realized so what? (A girl, in length, once told me how she bagged the guy, by not responding to his messages and by ignoring his calls. That’s amazing, I wish I had the time for such audacity.)
That’s who I am and it’s about time I stop being ashamed of the things that make me who I am.
Maybe one day, by sheer luck, I’d find a an equal dork who appreciates me but until then I’ll depend my happiness on me, the only person who can truly control it. 🙂
