I’m on the patch right now. Where it releases small dosages of approval until I no longer crave it, and then I’m gonna rip it off.
It’s better to be unhappy alone than unhappy with someone – so far.
Something happened yesterday while I was reading this feel good book (When I say feel good, I do mean something that eleven year olds would read. No, they do not involve pictures but they do involve big letters. That’s the reason I’m writing this blog entry using times new roman, in homage to the book.)
And suddenly I snapped out of it.
Like, for the past couple of weeks, I’ve been directly or indirectly blaming people for the certain things that have been happening in my life. I’m not kidding, I could do no wrong. I’m not saying that I’m perfect, I just kept on insisting on the fact that well you know, I’m the victim. Cry Cry. Blah blah.
But then, victim or not, you become sick of it. Well, at the very least I did. It was an extremely hot day yesterday and it affected my mood, (for someone who’s been living under crazy tropical weather for the past twenty years, I do complain about the heat a lot) and well, you know it created this domino effect. I played my usual brat self on my dad (well, it only works with him anyway) and I felt so guilty. Because, for cripes’ sake, I’m no longer eighteen.
I’m twenty years old and was given tremendous responsibility already. I’m no longer in college so it’s time to own up.
But you know I can be fulsome as well. I can be on a cloud sometimes and forget that, hey little girl, you’re human and you have faults of your own.
I’ve always been big on change but at the same time, always been afraid of the thought of it. You know those moments when you start thinking, “I’ve been this way for the longest time, how do I get out of it?”
Thank God for Kara. She’s always been patient with me. I told her of my fears and where do I begin and she insisted that leaving your old self behind (yes that pays homage to that Nike Ad in 2005. That was a good one) is a very liberating experience and one that I may need right now. It encouraged me to do just that because you know I’ve been doing this “me” thing for awhile and yes, my life is pretty slick but there must be something more that this life to offer.
Specifically, something that doesn’t involve the word “me”.
I really want to be more involved in church and I think the only way for me to do that is to start driving! I swear it’s so hard to be mobile when you have to depend on someone to take you from here to there. That’s one of my plans.
A bomb dropped earlier and instead of taking it the wrong way (crycryblahblah), I felt a stronger sense of self. Like, although it sucks, I know it’s all going to work out towards the end. All I need is a little patience, less “me” time and you know focus on other stuff.
I think I’ve clung to the wrong things for awhile. I forgot the happiness starts and ends with HIM.
So I’m on this mission for the next couple of weeks: I would not be cynical. Will not say anything that I don’t want people saying about me and you know just take it one step at a time.
And oh yeah, no boys for awhile. All they cause are stupendous headaches.
Have a great week J