I have a confession to make: I used to be extremely skinny. I was 5″8 and weighed half of what I should.
There’s another confession: I also used to have an eating disorder that led to having hyperthyrodisim.
Last Confession: I’m not longer as skinny as I used to be and people from my past made sure that I’m reminded of that. (I would go as far as saying that these people are even happy over the fact that I gained a little, come on, how shallow can you get?) It used to piss me off, but now I just shrug it off.
You see, I revisited that girl. I revisited that gaunt girl and I realized that I had nothing in common with her except our love for Leo. She was unhappy, counted her calories way too much and a little too self-centered.
That girl was so insecure and unsure of herself that she refused to be healthy and measured her worth through the number on the scale.
When I compare myself to her now, I can see the difference.
Not being hypocritical here, I would love to shed a few lbs (for health reasons plus the fact that the gym has been some sort of refuge for me).
But at this moment, I live a fuller life.
I watch what I eat, but my life no longer depends on it, I work out to relieve the stress and my joy radiates. I no longer rely on my weight to feel good about myself. I’m happy and secured (finally!).
I’ve come to realize the adage that my parents have been trying to instill in me from day one, as cliche as it may sound, it’s true: your beauty depends on how you feel on the inside. People wouldn’t be attracted to you if you’re sullen, critical and not at peace with yourself. In fact, these things would only push them away.
My relationship with the Lord has been the center of my life lately and I’ve never been more at peace.
I don’t discount the breakdown though. I needed that break down. I needed to lose myself for awhile and everything that I cared for to cling on to something greater. Which is my relationship with the Lord.
I would love to move forward and leave this place of transition but I’m enjoying where I am. There’s something liberating about starting over and getting reacquainted with yourself.
God’s working slowly but surely in my life.
So, even if i’m no longer a stick thin barbiewart I feel beautiful because whoever said that it was about that anyway.