The Rawness of Forgiveness


I am a lot of things but being emotionless is not one of them. I feel things to the core and if you have been patient enough to read my blog, you would understand how much I feel things and how often I do. I am the girl who cries over commercials and feels empathy for random strangers on the street. I love too much and give too much.

My emotions have also made me irrational and at times, a woman with a mouth that won’t quit. I feel all my emotions fully but I also hurt easily. To defend myself from inflicted hurt, I turn to my words – my favorite weapon of choice. Thankfully, by God’s grace, I have learned to deal with this ugly side of being too emotional and healing the wounds that have triggered me to turn into rage.

Anxiety manifests itself in many ways – it’s not often the panic attacks that we are familiar with but it can also be manifested in fits of rage. For the longest time, I have bene taught to watch what I say, control this, control that without going to the core of who I am and why I was hurting. I cannot stress how important it is to talk to someone about what you are going through so you get to the core of your anger, rage, and sadness.

(I actually have no idea why I went on that tangent when I was clearly going to talk about something else).

Oh right, forgiveness. It’s so easy to forgive when the other person asks for forgiveness but it’s an entirely different story when you have to do so when the other person isn’t sorry. It is something that I have been struggling with in the past month and to be honest with you – forgiveness is not a one – time thing. It takes daily amounts of prayer, several times a day, to learn how to forgive. It takes a lot of mental autopsies daily to empathize with the person who have hurt us and to see them as human beings.

They are not demons (aha!) who wish to destroy us but only people who are filled with pain. You see, if a person was truly happy with their lives, they wouldn’t inflict pain towards others but alas, that is another story. The narrative shifts once we realize that their actions have nothing to do with us.

It’s also mighty important to know the role we have played in any disagreement and try to work it out but of course, it takes two to tango and sometimes relationships just do not repair themselves. But that doesn’t mean that we cannot be set free from the pain it has caused.
As this video shared, we owe it to ourselves to forgive and it is something that we deserve for ourselves. It also reminds me that even during our worst, Jesus came to save us and love us. If Jesus could forgive, how can I not? It’s a process but thank God for His wisdom.

Photo by Lina Trochez