“With each scar there’s a map that tells a story
what a souvenir of Young love’s like jumping out
An airplane riding a tidal wave on an ocean of emotion
My heart rips me wide open
I can’t stop
Don’t care if I lose
Baby you are the weapon I choose
These wounds are self inflicted”
-Self Inflicted, Katy Perry
I used to be in control of my life. I used to know how to control my emotions and it honestly took a lot of practice to have that kind of composure and then you happened.
To explain the kind of pain that you have inflicted on me is indescribable, you know? And for me to fall for it every single time is even more unimaginable. Writing used to be therapeutic. I used to string my words together effortlessly but now I’m trapped.
Everywhere I go, I seem to be trapped because you echo into every single area of my life and it’s really condescending, not to mention, consuming.
You’ve taken so much out of me in the past seven months that I’ve known you and I honestly don’t know myself anymore. Because I know, my smart self, the resonance of who I used to be would not allow anyone to hurt her the way that I’m hurting now.
I’ve never been this drained in my entire life. You drain me completely without even thinking twice about it. You’re selfish and the sad thing about is that I tried to understand you, I tried to understand where you were coming from but it took so much away from me and sometimes I no longer recall who I used to be because you changed me inside and out.
In a way, I guess I’d have to thank you because I learned the value of independence rather than interdependence. I’ve gone past depending so much on other people and just learned to rely myself. I didn’t realize how tiring that game could be.
I honestly don’t know if I could give my emotions to someone as much as I have given them to you which would make it terribly unfair to the next person coming into my life. I shouldn’t blame him for the mistakes that you did. He won’t be the same way.
In a twisted reality, I become stronger every time you make me feel like I’m not enough because it means that the person that the Lord will bring into my life will be ten times better. That’s the law of equilibrium; it’s really not something that you can fight.
I’ve stopped being depressed over the things that you’ve said and done to me and truly, at the end of a stressful and antagonizing day as this one, I could only be grateful.
I truly wish you all the best, really. Underneath the bad boy persona and the overbearing ego, you are a good person. I don’t think anyone would ever make me laugh the way that you do. You’re that
It’s just time for me to walk away. It’s time for me to let all of this go and allow myself to feel like me again, only smarter. What I failed to realized before writing this entry is the fact that I have the power to say no to this whole thing, that I could get out of this trap and I would do just that now.
I’m walking away and for the first time in months, I’m smiling genuinely darling.