I’ve been swamped with work this week, meetings run for four hours starting at 7:30 am and I don’t have the time to actually sit down and sift through my thoughts.
But, since I don’t have a meeting at this early hour, allow me to sift through my thoughts since they’ve been bothering me for quite some time now (thus making me get up at 3:30 AM everyday to see if its already 5:30).
In other areas of my life, I’m in control. Everything’s planned out, but in some areas, specific areas, they tend to run wild, like what my hair used to do.
It’s been bothering me, but honestly, I don’t know why it is. It’s not supposed to, you know. These aren’t the things that I waste my time on, I’d rather spend hours in front of my PC, working (yes, I still am a workaholic, would you hate me if I say that it’s not a bad thing?) or reading a new book than think about these thoughts! They’re so complicated.
But for once, complicated is good, complicated is making me smile and complicated is making my heart flutter in a way that it hasn’t in a long, long time.
But since, I’m such a girl and a good girl at that, I tend to overanalyze things and there goes the opportunity to be happy, or giddy or just plain contented.
I’ve never based my happiness on other people, which is why relinquishing that control gets a little too tough for me.
I guess, what’s pulling me back is the fact that I’ve always dreamed of something grand and something extraordinary, and as for this particular story, there’s nothing grand or extraordinary about it and it disappoints me.
It disappoints me, because I begin to wonder if this is all that there’s to the years that I’ve waited, to the years that I’ve sacrificed willingly (so I guess, it’s really not a sacrifice?). Is this the sweeter song that everyone promised?
Because honestly, there’s nothing so grand about it, I could have had this when I was fifteen.
The jumble of words may confuse you, but it’s helping me and leaving some space in my head so I can finally think about important, rational things.
But then again, despite these thoughts, I also think to myself, “Why Suffer?” If something makes you happy, why hold back? We’re only young once and I think once is enough to have stories to share. It’s time for me to step out of the little rules that I’ve constrained myself in and start living my life. When will I ever be twenty again?