As I type this, my throat has healed and it no longer feels like a chainsaw is drilling it every time I open my mouth to speak (yes, you know I’m not well when I nod my head instead of explaining in detail why it’s a yes and not a no).

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“My dear children, let’s not just talk about love; let’s practice real love. This is the only way we’ll know we’re living truly, living in God’s reality. It’s also the way to shut down debilitating self-criticism, even when there’s something to it. For God is greater than our worried hearts and knows more about us than we do ourselves.”

1 John 3:18-20 (The Message)

I love love.

There is nothing I adore more than showering the people close to me with love in whatever shape, size or form. I also enjoy loving mean people into being, albeit very rare, still very fulfilling.

There’s just something about loving someone beyond yourself that excites me and makes me want to celebrate.

That being said, I have never really thought about the other side of love. The part where I allow others to peel away my layers and see me as me and for a reason entirely shocking to me — love me for me.

Because of certain fears and numerous rejections in the past, I have learned to put up ridiculously high walls and have perfected the art of pushing people away the moment they see me vulnerable.

And by love, I don’t mean the love we see on our social networking sites 24/7 but the kind of love Jesus himself displayed here on earth.

It is the kind of love that isn’t based on the superficial but rather the kind of love Jesus would have wanted you to display every single day — raw, messy and unnerving and yet, relentless.

I always have this fear (surprise, surprise) that when people begin to see the real, dorky me, they would all run away so I omit things or run away or stay comfortably within the fort I have constructed in the past six years. Nobody is allowed inside the fort (unless you’re Sheldon or Manny or Ted), the fort is sacred.

I thought that loving people without expecting anything in return is good enough. That I could go on merrily into the days of my life without being bothered because I have expected this simple fact.

However, what I didn’t realize is that part of loving people is allowing them to love you too — because Jesus isn’t selfish, he doesn’t demand for us to give everything and never get anything back. He has promised that as we give. the more we live because He fills us with himself.

I guess I read it and I heard it but never really understood what he meant. In a way, I have underestimated Jesus and His power to bring in people in my life who would love me for me — the way He does.

Again, I’m getting ahead of myself.

Truth is, being scared to let people in may say a thing or two about how I reflect on Jesus’ love for me.

A love so powerful and so unselfish that it brought him to earth to hang on the cross for things he did not do just so I can live a life away from the horrific is astounding enough for me.

But for Him to love me despite my nuisances and when all the layers are peeled away, like those times when i’m alone in my room, all cried out or when I finish off an entire bag of Reese’s Minis and later on deny it or when I feel utterly unlovable because I did something so shameful I can’t even mention it — is just mind blowing.

This kind of love is so big and so huge that there are days when I try to sweep it under the rug because that kind of love in the world today is so unimaginable that it can’t be real but is.

Believe me, I’ve wrestled with it. My pride tells me I could never, ever deserve so I might as well not accept it.

But that’s why Jesus came. He came for each and every one of us and no matter how many times we push away his hands that offer to wipe our tears away and hug us until we’re okay again, He won’t go away — ever.

Once we’ve set our eyes on Jesus, we might as well accept the fact that we are loved forever.

We never did anything to cause Jesus to love us, so at the same time, we could also never do anything to make Him stop loving us.

And in the world today, I have encountered people who have left the moment the saw the real me and I have lost faith that real people will stay despite my innate need to push everyone away. I never once thought that I was worthy enough to be loved like that so I’d rather not try or give anyone a chance.

But you know what, that means I have underestimated Jesus and His power to work through the people who loves him radically. I have forgotten that the Jesus who loves me this much also has the power to bring in people who would love me the way He does. That love is not limited to just loving the unlovable, but loving myself as well because when love for myself is depleted it would be really difficult to love others without expectation.

It’s really a cycle — all connected.

Once I truly accept with question that Jesus loves me and that His love is mine for all eternity, I will learn to relax a bit and maybe one by one, the walls of my fort will come down and I’ll start letting people, no matter how difficult it may be at first.

That maybe I should not longer give in to fear, but instead trust that Jesus knows what He is doing and that maybe my future relationships will make up for all the sad ones I’ve lost in the past.

That as I allow the love of Jesus to truly heal me, I begin to love the messy parts of myself a little bit more and trust that in the process, Jesus will send people who will love me not just for the part that I show them but also for the me that is both unstable and a bit neurotic.

I believe that as I continue to bask in the truth of Jesus, He will send relationships that will leave me secure and not the opposite. And that because of this love, the fort will be long gone with nothing left except relics of how I used to be and how far I’ve come.

And because of that, it does feel like a brand new day.

PS:

Special thanks to a friend who reminded me that fear is basically just that– fear 🙂

My blog goes mobile!!! YAHOO!

Sent from my BlackBerry® wireless handheld

There are days when I almost always find the perfect ways to describe a moment without giving it much thought, but there are also days when I could search for the words over and over again and never find them.

On days like this one, I thank God for singers like Colbie Calliat. I really feel that there are hidden cameras around me and parts of my life are instantly the subject of her songs.

Okay, that’s just me and I’m drifting away from the topic.

Anyway, since I have no words, I’m posting this song here and maybe, just maybe, I’ll see you again.

PS: I know this video is so cheesy but there’s no other choice.

I’m a creature of habit.

I don’t like shaking up things that are perfectly fine from my perspective.

I’ve always been sort of superstitious as well (which is baad!), however, I have come to realize that many things in my life will change (for the good) whether or not I change the layout of my blog or twitter account so I might as well just grow up and change that.

So to celebrate the many beautiful things in my life and to toast all that has been, I change the layout of my blog to something as simple and as clean as this one. I may or may not change it in the future (the future might be tomorrow, who knows?) but for today, this very clean looking blog is basically symbolizes a clean break (ah, get it? get it? haha!) from all that has not been so good in my life.

It also symbolizes my optimism in the beauty of the adventures ahead.

I have also come to realize that taking down my super favorite (it’s still the wallpaper of my phone, can’t let go of that one just yet!) wallpaper doesn’t mean I love Jesus less. Actually it’s an indication that I love and hopefully know Him more because now I know that His blessings for me is not dependent on some wallpaper but basically on what He did for me (and never what I do or don’t do for Him!).

I’m a bit sentimental, but at the same way extremely hopeful.

Excuse the cheese ball but new chapters make me feel a bit giddy and make me cry a bit. I always get excited over what God has in store for us next because He is progressive and I declare and believe that these pages will grace even greater testimonies of His goodness.

But, until then I celebrate in this mini-triumph of being able to navigate through all this tools on my own.

So, together, faithful reader, let’s tread the world of words together once again 🙂

C: Dallas Clayton

One of my absolutely favorite things to do is to daydream. Daydreaming plus perfect playlist= BAM i have basically planned our future wedding in one car ride.

Of course other things I daydream about include being able to travel the world in five years, receiving the Nobel Prize and how it feels when Ted Mosby finally meets me.

My parents, teachers and concerned adults told me when I was younger that one day I will stop daydreaming and see life for what it is.

The day has not come yet and  I think those adults are still patiently (?) waiting for me to grow up, because even at 24, I’m still secretly waiting for Peter Pan to swoop me away to Neverland (I wish this was a joke . . .).

Daydreaming is fun and while I don’t think I’ll ever get over it (seriously, what is better than thinking of an airport scene with Maroon 5’s Daylight in the background? See!), I think I have realized that maybe, and this is really a MAJOR thing for me to admit, some dreams are not meant to come true.

And I think my heart just shattered in a million little pieces.

You see, I’m quite relentless with my dreams.

There are days when I think that even at my age, I would still get the chance to be on Ang TV and still be able to marry Tim Tebow. I also still think that one day, I will get that prom proposal that I never got in high school. There are daydreams that involve normal people but I have decided to put them on hold to lessen my embarrassment.

I’m also quite the cheerleader for my friends and always sigh a bit when they settle for less than what I think they deserve, but then again, I’m not in the position (though I’m always one to remind them) to tell them what’s best for them and what’s not.

I guess, part of growing up with parents who pushed me to become the best is to realize that I deserve the best in everything and I cringe every time I think of settling.

But where was I? Oh, daydreams.

Last Thursday, I was in an all out pity party (yes because none of you ever feel bad about yourself every once in awhile) and my forever cheerleader, Dea said something that most inauthentic friends wouldn’t say. Basically, in her loving, sister like manner, she told me that I was always looking for other things instead of being content with where I am and who I’m with.

Again, it’s the inherent achiever attitude that always makes me think that there’s something better in the corner.

However, that particular text message seeped through my heart simply because, I must admit, there are days when I’m not particularly over the moon over things I can’t control.

But today, I’m thankful to be reminded. I’m thankful because when you really look at it, God has truly blessed me in more ways that I could have ever imagined and I know that the best is yet to come.

I’m thankful for the people and opportunities He has littered my path with and I don’t dare to spend another day being ungrateful simply because one area of my life isn’t fixed (yet?!). But I’m grateful, with all my heart, I really am grateful because I could never deserve it but could only pay it forward.

So yes, there are days when I cry because life doesn’t measure up to my daydreams, but in a way, I am also thankful for that because it means God has blessed me with a creative enough mind to dream up of scenarios that may never happen in real life, but at least can entertain others and allow myself to escape Manila traffic even if just for awhile.

With the current hooplah about the latest anti-cybercrime law much attention has been given to social networking sites — including my attention.

As I read through (while constantly asking my soon to be lawyer friend to say it in normal people terms) the interpellation notes on the bill, I found myself wondering what was life before we all picked up alternate lives on the internet.

I’d like to think that most of us have become SIMS characters, roaming around the crazy cyber world often picking up several masks on the way.

With the internet easily available, uploading random stuff on Twitter (really, nobody wants to know what you and your boyfriend are having for breakfast– in bed, nevertheless) and picking up a hipster persona as we try to find the best angles for our Curly Fries (milk tea, coffee, roses you received etc etc).

I really have nothing against technology, i’m really all for it (really Skype is greatest thing ever invented!) but it seems like as our choices for social media grows, the gap between our real life persona and our internet persona is widening as well.

The internet and social media gives a person a grander stage to project who they think they are and while i’m all for self-improvement, hypocrisy is not something that I can easily understand or deal with.

The other day, my brother and I were discussing about how much of a traitor the internet is.

As I looked back on past blog entries, tweets and pictures, I came to realize that the person who wrote and uploaded those things a good seven years ago is no longer the same person typing this blog entry today. I’d also like to think that my 31 year old self would also shake her head over what I’m writing right now.

But again, not the point.

In a way, it’s good to see milestones as to how far we’ve come or how we have matured (if we have).

However, the internet betrays us in a way that it only shows the image we wish to project and not the real person we are (although I don’t understand why there should be a difference).

I curse Google simply because with one click a person you have recently met could easily know things about you that you won’t really be comfortable sharing with someone you just met. The judgement that follows may not be a pretty one and could be highly unreliable.

Because no matter how we try, our social media profiles will never tell another person how kind we truly are, could never reflect the light in our eyes and could never echo our laughter. Getting to know each other by engaging ourselves through social media creates a pretense from the get-go and I’d rather get to know someone outside of it. Besides 140 words is not enough to explain how I’m feeling any given moment, they are mere snippets of how I feel that may or may not change within the day.

But in truth, again, I know there shouldn’t be a gap. I should only tweet what I would say in real life and I should only make comments that I can actually say in real life as well.

It’s safe to say that I do not understand per verbatim the interpellation of the law nor will I attempt to make myself appear smart. I could only comment on it based on a normal person whose life has been infilirated by social media since 2004 (or was it 2003?).

Truth is, I’m all for protecting children from bullies who are only strong because they’re protected by the computer. I don’t think children should suffer from backlash on the internet and cause major damage in the future. Traces will always remain on the internet long after the feuding ends. I’m also against sex trafficking on the internet and basically against anything that harms a child.

But I’m also for freedom of speech. The main reason I’ve kept this blog for as long as I have is because it has always been an outlet. And children need an outlet. Children need to be able to explore and share their thoughts but not at the expense of other kids.

I know that bill is not strictly for children but its effect on children who are still developing who they are is more vast as compared to a sixty plus year old senator who probably had it worse in the business he was in prior to politics.

But again, that’s just me and I believe that there are gray areas.

There are days when I absolutely love that I know what’s happening to my friends in a click, but there are days when I absolutely detest it and how I long for the days of getting to know people in real time: talking on the phone for hours or having conversations that transition from dusk to dawn.

The authentic way of getting to know someone and creating friendships is something that I miss and maybe I’ll just disappear from the cyber world completely.

But not today.

I find myself having too much to say to no one in particular.

I’m sure I’ll get back to those days soon.

It may be a bit outdated, but one thing it isn’t is fake and the memories are not delegated to likes or RTs.

And you know what? It’s something refreshing to look forward to.