that i could actually enjoy being alone while watching a really good TV series or being consumed by a new book.

however, this weekend it’s different.

this weekend, i feel like i’m in high school again and my friends are driving away to town center while i stay at home drooling over Clark Kent (hang on… this is  still my reality).

and i don’t like it one bit.

i want to be able to be content where i am because this is where God wants me to be and yet… here i am, feeling a little sad about the frayed edges of my life.

i guess aside from loneliness, there’s also a bit of guilt mixed in because ever since I completely surrendered to the Potter, the number one thing i’ve been battling with is being content with who He created me to be and with who He wants me to be.

i know that God doesn’t waste moments of our lives which is why I want to make the most out of this season of my life because i know nothing is without a purpose.

and yet, my human instincts kick in and here i am again– faced with discontent simply because my life isn’t where I want it to be yet.

this could also mean that i’ve been spending so much time worrying about me and what I want that i keep forgetting about what God wants for me– which is forgetting myself (thyself seems to sound more appropriate)  completely and live my life according to what He has planned for me.

it seems like a great and wonderful plan until i get sidetracked but what seems important at a particular time (then forget about it right away).

i’m just thankful that God loves me with more consistency and i’m thankful that He loves me no matter how many times i trip, stumble or complain.

so grateful that God loves me so much that even though not giving me something may cause temporary tantrums, He makes sure i understand that there are some things that He doesn’t give me because it will mess up His perfect plan for my life.

and i know that His love for me is the same even on my loneliest days and all I have to do is look up and I will be filled again in ways that a trip to town center never can.

Franzea’s first birthday bash was a success and it was wonderful how much she enjoyed her photobooth! 🙂

Such a good day with family and friends!

more than the supermoon this day was special because church was awesome.

it’s amazing when God speaks directly to your heart and confirms that nothing is ever out of His control.

He is truly the one in charge of our lives and i completely surrender everything to Him.

happy first birthday to the love of my life– franzea cosette c. robles!!

your nana loves you so much! grow up to be a good girl!!! 🙂

Beauty and the Beast has always been my favorite Disney Classic so having this in my hands was really exciting. I finished reading it in two days and yes, i did smile and i blushed at the appropriate times.
can’t wait for the movie version!!

It’s really quite a tale how I found this mug but I did– but thank you to whoever sent it to that photo printing place! 😉

This was my first and last Jansport bag.

i remember when i was in sixth grade– in 2000, i was turning 12 and wanted nothing more than a unique jansport bag. at that time it was considered to be an expensive bag (less than a thousand if my memory serves me right).

I had to do a lot of pleading to get this cool bag that i made my own (i lost the bracelets and the pins along the way) but I guess it’s one of the best purchases my parents ever made because eleven years later it’s still alive and kicking (it is now in charge of carrying my computer).

i guess today it just hit me that i’ve had something for eleven years and i’ve been around long enough to remember these things.

a lot of people, particularly the media, often say that our best moments are the ones shaped by achievement, winning the crown, getting the guy, finishing first etc etc.

i’ve never read a story or watched a movie that tells us otherwise.

because of this, i’ve grown up knowing that greatest moments would define my life and so I waited.

i waited for high school because I’ve been told that highschool is the best time of anyone’s life.

then, i waited for college because high school was overrated anyway, but college turned out to be one race, everyone struggling to get on top.

then someone told me that once i started working, my life would truly begin. most of my friends’ advice focused on getting out of the house where freedom truly began. others would say it’s when i meet the love of my life or when i get my first pay check or when i have savings in the bank.

i guess most of the stories i’ve read, the people i’ve talked to and the movies i’ve watched has its own way of blowing things out of proportion.

because you know i’ve been through several moments where my ‘real life’ should have began, where i should have already been ‘self-actualized’ and yet, i still feel like a seven year old, writing my feelings on a pocahontas journal.

i still feel like i’m waiting for my life to start somehow and every time I feel that it’s on the verge of beginning, that’s when everything falls apart again.

and just like the child i used to be, i responded with anger, feeling cheated out of life simply because it has not been filled with many moments like those i see in the movies or read in the books.

somehow, just like every grown up has promised, i felt like life was nothing but a great time spent in the waiting area — watching others have their turn while desperately waiting for mine.

however, today, i’ve come to realize that life isn’t about that at all. life isn’t about the grand moments, the grand moments which admittedly are far and few in between.

life is what happens everyday. life is what happens in between waking up and falling asleep. life is about the moments we spend eating, studying, working and dreaming we were anywhere but where we are.

i’d like to think that i was born a daydreamer and i don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, however, because of this trait, i’ve always assumed that i’d only be happen when.

That when robs us of this moment. Because of our anxiety we miss out on the good things life has to offer.

And yes, life isn’t perfect, but that doesn’t mean that life isn’t good.

I’ve been feeling stuck in a rut, in an emotional roller coaster since 2011 began simply because the life i’ve always envisioned hasn’t happened yet.

What I didn’t realize is that in between wishing to get there and actually getting there, there is a huge space in between that is filled with little challenges that would prepare us for the good and perfect gift that God has planned for us in the beginning.

That the challenges in between don’t threaten what God has freely given us, but instead, these little challenges prepare us for what’s instore.

We may never understand why or how or when but what’s important is for us to appreciate life for what it is, to appreciate the situations we don’t ask for, flip the coin and see it as something beautiful.

That even though there’s darkness everywhere we look– there’s also a lot of light in between the cracks. That there’s always a silver lining in whatever cloud that may be raining on our parade.

That God never wastes a tear, or an opportunity. That although the enemy intended for a specific situation to ruin us, God will turn it around for our good– and this good means that we become better people despite the pain that the circumstances beyond our control has given us.

And when the storm is finished we can still praise God because despite it’s attempt to ruin us, it only made us stronger.

These are cliches we try to avoid but when the going gets tough, we understand the true depth behind the repeated lines.

So even though my life may not be at its best, I dare say that God is good because I know that when going through the worst, I’m not at it on my own, instead God is with me, making sure that I become the person He wants me to be, carrying me until i finally make it to that beautiful and glorious moment of victory.

i slept for ten hours today.

i also had my hair color changed and had a hair cut.

and yet, i felt like this day was everything that it shouldn’t be.

i was consumed by my own worries about weight and so on. it was so consuming, i felt like i couldn’t breathe anymore.

then i realized the real core of my existence: my relationship with Jesus which is never going to be perfect but i know i have to put some effort into it.

i found this book in my favorite bookstore and have come to realize that maybe this is what i need, to rest in His grace.