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27

On the last Sunday of my 26th year, I started a conversation with my 16 year old self. Despite the ten years between us, she looked hauntingly familiar. Her eyes were not as full as mine because her chubby cheeks overpowered her face. They reflected hope though and optimism that wasn’t faltered by mean boys and bullies. I met her in my old room when she was enjoying her One Tree Hill marathon while dreaming of her own Nathan Scott. She was content but had an energy that would not wear off in the next ten years. 

 

She looked at me as if seeing a stranger. She marveled at the weight I’ve lost and asked me what Instagram was. She was surprised to know that her Friendster account with all its testimonies were now obsolete. But more than asking me what became of her, she was more than eager to ask me this question, “Do you have a boyfriend now?” And she looked at me with such expectation of glitz and glamour but sadly the life and lessons I carried with me that night spoke of nothing like what she expected, but to me, they were better. 

 

Life is not like the movies. 

 

My 16 year old self constantly asked me if my life magically changed overnight the moment I fit into a size 4. She asked me rather annoyingly if I finally met my Jake Ryan and I did everything in my power to stop myself from smacking her in the head. I sure as hell wasn’t smoking anything in high school but my 16 year old self was bizarre as hell. But she looked at me with such expectant eyes that I didn’t know how to break this fact to her gently:  life is not like the movies. As kindly as I could, I told her that yes you get the guy at one point and you lose the weight and you find the right friends and you get the job but it doesn’t mean much until you get it in your head that these things ultimately don’t fill you up the way you thought it should. So yes, go for what you want but don’t rely on them to fill the aching in your heart. (I do believe it was her turn to kick me after this part of the conversation). 

 

Your parents mean well.

 

Our next topic of conversation was about our parents. For the longest time, my 16 year old self always struggling with pleasing her parents. Everything she did up until very recently was in an effort to please her parents. And while obeying her parents has led to a straighter life it also led to arguments because of our naturally rebellious nature. But if there’s something I told her that will save her a lot of shouting in the future, it’s this: your parents, even if they don’t say it sweetly, only want what’s best for you. They don’t want you to get hurt and they don’t want you to keep going back to the things that have hurt you. 

 

Love who you love. 

 

Love who you love unapologetically. My 16 year old self raised her eyebrows while diving into a bag of kisses she hid from her mom, “what do you mean love who you love? Of course we fall in love with the perfect guy right? We’re not stupid.” I almost laughed at her assumptions because up until a few months ago, I also thought the same way. But dear 16 year old self, there’s a reason why the heart knows no reasons (or whatever that idiotic quote is), it’s because no matter how many books you study, how many degrees you have under your belt, you love who you love, period. You can’t fight it, you just have to ride it out even if it’s the most gut wrenching experience of your life. By this time she chooses to drop the kisses, cry a bit, and say, “so no happy ending?”  I reached out for the kisses and agreed. 

 

Own your soul.

 

My 16 year old self cried uncontrollably for about an hour before she regained consciousness which led me to my next lesson: own your soul. As highly emotional people, we used to have the tendency let others take responsibility for our heartache while also faking our way through it. The greatest lesson to learn is to own your soul. Know when you’re hurt, know when you’re mad but never blame it on other people. Nobody makes you do anything. Man up and most importantly, don’t give anyone the responsibility to make you happy. Your joy, your responsibility. She stopped crying but now gave me a look as if asking what the hell have I been doing in the last ten years. 

 

Make a mess. 

 

“I know you’re a perfectionist because you think that in being perfect, you will be loved.” She averted her gaze because she knew I was right. I told her to let that go, slowly, and find a healthy balance between achieving and being neurotic. It’s ok to make messy life choices as long as you know the consequences and will be ready for anything. If you’re not ready for the consequences, don’t do it. Also stop believing that there’s only one way to the life you want, it never is, there’s a process and a lot of twists and turns, but believe me, you’ll get there. A little bumps and bruises but you’ll be fine. 

 

Stick to your values but don’t be afraid to explore. 

 

With that being said, it’s important to stick to what you believe in because you believe in them and not because it was dictated upon you. As you grow older, you will have your beliefs tested. Don’t be afraid to explore why you believe in them and return to them once you know in your heart that it’s really what you want. 

 

Be kind to yourself. 

 

You have done a lot of damage to me, dear 16 year old self. You have long believed in lies and those are the lies that I am still trying to overcome. If there’s one rule in life you have to follow, it’s this important fact: be kind to yourself. Stop allowing anyone to tell you you’re not good enough and stop telling yourself you’re not beautiful. You are beautiful because you want what’s best for others, nothing more, nothing less. Don’t let the jocks and the mean bullies tell you otherwise. You may not be a prom queen but  you are you and one day, people will appreciate you for who you are. Also, don’t fear rejection: rejection keeps you humble and it keeps you on track. It also doesn’t take anything away from you so keep learning the lessons and keep moving forward.

 

Let love in. 

 

In the same breath, let love in. Your insecurities and past rejection has clouded you into believing that you don’t deserve love and you’re not surprised when people leave. Listen, people will leave eventually because they have to in order to save themselves, but that doesn’t make you less of who you are. But for the moment that they are yours, let them love you and let them consume you because you deserve to be loved, not because you’re perfect but all the more because you aren’t. 

 

 

Dance on your own. 

 

By this time, my 16 year old self who dreamt of being married at 25 was dumbfounded by the life I was living. Unattached since forever, I’m still getting over the fact that this maybe what life has for me. Upon saying this, my 16 year old self cried even more, grabbed all the kisses, threw a few at Nathan Scott and screamed, “What’s the point?” and for once, I didn’t stop her tantrum. Truth is, there is no point, sometimes, no matter how much you try, life just never turns out the way you wished it to be at 16. It’s not the life I assumed it would be and if I were completely  honest, it wouldn’t hurt to have someone to Instagram with but that’s just how it is. 

 

She asked me if I ever felt lonely and I told her that yes, I did. Despite the tough exterior, I did feel sad sometimes. But I also told her that in me, I found a strength I wouldn’t have found otherwise. The loneliness has pushed me to be compassionate to others while at the same time, learning to love me, something I have ignored over the years. It has also given me the wonderful opportunity to work several jobs, travel, and invest in my family and friends. I told her about the times I would eat and enjoy my own company and told her the wonder of going to bed at night knowing no one was Tinder-ing behind my back (this even depressed her more). After another bout of crying, she looked at me and finally she was half convinced that I could actually be happy despite on the days when my heart hurt. I told her that hurts past and she will be ok eventually. But for the meantime, I told her about my plans of eating at my favorite restaurants alone on the days leading up to my birthday. She asked me if it made me sad to eat alone but I told her I was more thankful because finally, I was able to. 

 

Do you. 

 

I know you’re the most competitive person on the planet. It’s the athlete mentality that you grew up with. You also constantly feel that you’re not good enough and for some, you might not be but that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that you have the strength to be who you are and we’re still working on that but please know that you are worthy to be loved. Accept that and maybe, finally, all will be well. 

 

She looked at me in disbelief and we stared at each other for awhile, but finally she shrugged and said, “Oh well, I surely believe that life has a surprise somewhere, but if not, you’re pretty cool” and for a moment, I actually believed her.

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Soldier On

In the past week alone, I have received about three comments with the same premise, “You look so happy, your life seems so perfect.” I’m not saying this to brag but I’m saying it because it couldn’t be further from the truth. I’ve never been the prom queen and my life has always been a battle about what I feel and how I should act. 


I’ve always thought that being sad was a crime. I always thought that being sad over things that were clearly not meant for me meant I wasn’t being “hopeful” or “positive”. I always thought that crying meant I wasn’t living out the faith I so clearly based my life on. So unintentionally, I found myself putting on masks. I didn’t want people to see that I was hurt out of the fear that being sad meant I wasn’t being grateful. I feared being sad because i have been told countless times to put my head up, be thankful, and soldier on. And on most days, I do solider on. But sadly, this has led to a pattern of bottling up my feelings in order to ignore them. 

But today, I came across this truth from the best Pastor on the planet: it’s okay to admit that you’re not okay and that you’re beaten up. In the same way that we don’t require people to make us happy, we must allow ourselves to feel pain without blaming other people for it. It’s not a sin to feel sad, in fact countless characters in the Bible have said that they have felt loneliness, sadness, and even the sting of unanswered prayers. We’re taught to always “think positive” but sometimes all you can do is sit by the sidewalk and just sigh over something you’ve hoped for for so long that didn’t happen. It’s okay to grieve a relationship that has run its course and it’s okay to just be sad. 

It doesn’t make you less of a person or doesn’t lessen your faith. In fact, the doubts and the questions should strengthen your faith because if we accepted all that was given without questioning, then it wouldn’t be faith right? 

So today, I’m just sad for no particular reason. I’m owning this sadness for once in my life and hoping that when I wake up tomorrow or even before I sleep tonight, the sadness will go away and in accepting this sadness and this god awful rejection, I do hope that I become a better soldier. 

Ironically, the more put together my life is, the sadder I am on the inside. Maybe this sadness is the realization that we can have everything on the outside and still be completely empty. So maybe that’s the first step and maybe it’s completely ok to admit that you don’t have it together and maybe this is what makes me human. 

But until then, soldier on. 
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Random ramblings of an almost twenty seven year old.

Earlier today, I decided to leave my phone at home while I went to the gym and had breakfast with my parents. For most people who know me that may come as a surprise because they know that I am never without my phone. I’ve always been addicted to catching up with people over the million messaging apps now readily available but as I get older, I realize that nothing beats face to face interaction with someone.

In the window after the gym and right before my parents arrived, I had a few precious minutes by myself which I spent browsing through the newspaper and just sitting silently while waiting for my order. It felt heavenly and that’s when I realized that maybe, my friends were right, I have been way too attached to my gadget and it has been giving me the heevies (I don’t know what that word is, it just came out right). So today, it felt good to just be. And then today as I whipped up the articles required of me, I realized I also missed simply blogging without riding it out on an angle or a word count requirement. I am so blessed with the many things that I am doing but wearing so many hats can be quite tiresome at times.

It’s like you’re constantly being pulled in different directions with each hat requiring a different persona, not in a fake way, but in a way that requires something different from you each time. There are deadlines to meet, meetings to attend, people to respond to, and places to be. I am also so blessed to have the relationships in my life flourish, but as with anything in life, each relationships requires a different understanding as well. I don’t know about you but I always give my 101% when it comes to interacting with the people I allow into my life. There’s no “safe” zone with me so when people say, “leave some for yourself”, I always give them a puzzled look because honestly, I don’t know how to do that.

But today, I left all those behind and just simply turned to this window that has been a solace for me for so long.

I recall being an extremely dorky 16 year old tucked away in the corner of the library typing furiously away on this very same blog and relished in it because we didn’t have internet connection at home. I recall my classmates graciously fooling around while I typed my angst away. Even as a child, my head has constantly been in the clouds and I’ve always been an idealist. Recalling my former self reminded me of why I loved writing so much: it simply took me away to another place and gave me the chance to be who I really was. I never quite fit in anywhere and up to this day, a weird part of me never will. 

I am turning the big 2-7 in a few weeks and while I am prepping for an upcoming vacation, I couldn’t help but feel a bit nostalgic and emo because you know, here it goes again, another year of my life that is about to unfold. 26 was a BIG year for me in terms of self-discovery and relishing new experiences. This year, God has answered my prayers in more ways than I can count, but I have come to realize that the biggest gift he has given me this year is the revelation that He is enough.

Growing up in a Christian home has given me a clear description of who Jesus is but I never fully understood His nature until I went through several instances that has pushed me to the wall. Ironically, the darkest days of being 26 were on the days where I thought I had it all. It was in having everything that I have ever wanted and wished for that I realized that nothing external can replace receiving the full love of Jesus Christ. You can truly gain the whole world and yet lose your soul with Christ.

I was also blessed enough to experience being appreciated this year. This may seem like a revelation to those who have been adored their entire life, but for a dork like me, it comes once in a blue moon. All the cliches were true, napakasarap pala to be appreciated and at times, adored. When I was in high school, I thought that was what would make me happy on the inside. But again I realized that apart from the love of Jesus, nothing will truly satisfy because you would constantly be living in the fear of missing what was making you whole at the moment. But I’m grateful for it but another lesson is sometimes what you want is not what you need. And if you’re not happy without, you won’t be happy with.

I am also amazed at all the relationships God has sent my way this year. These are friendships that I have just once prayed for. But the biggest lesson in all of this is this gem if you want to have friends, you have to become one and you have to learn to accept people for who they are. By expecting less and working more on becoming grateful (ie: ano ba yan hindi ako kinakamusta has turned into wow, thanks for thinking of me) friendships are easier to keep track of and maintain. In becoming what I sought others to be, I have found myself in the middle of meaningful relationships I have only dreamt of as a child.

And lastly, I have learned the true meaning of being alone and actually enjoy being where you are at the present moment. I have never been a serial dater or a serial relationship-er (it’s a thing, believe me) but I’ve always been a serial crush-er. From the moment I fell in love with Gabby in preschool (where are you now?! haha), I have always crushed on someone and spent ample times of my day wishing he liked me back. Napaka story book cliche ko noon, but last night as I was telling a good friend, I find myself without a crush and to me, it’s extremely liberating simply because I am no longer living in fear of growing old alone because case in point, it’s not the worst thing in the world.

In as much as I would like to continue this, I have to let it go for now (among other things) to go and prep to watch a movie and a basketball game, you know where real life happens. So just in case you came across this and you are sad, don’t lose heart, God is making all things work together for the good so simply rest in Him.

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Humanized

Mula pagkabata, hopeless romantic na ako. 


My dad would always ask me where I got this weird trait because my siblings are not as emotional or as idealistic as me. I often tell him it’s because I’m the only sibling born in July and cancers are already cuckoo to begin with. Because of my infatuation with the whole idea of love born out of my combined passion for Sweet Valley, Baby Sitters Club, Chick Flicks, and of course, the local teleserye, I already thought I fell in love in the second grade with no other than Patrick Garcia. Since then, I’ve had my fair share of crushes and because I was such a fat dork growing up, I have never experienced having my crush like me back – ever.

As in, I have never had the joy of receiving roses on Valentine’s Day, Friendship Day, or even being asked to prom. My nights were often spent watching One Tree Hill and sighing over Nathan Scott instead of talking on the phone with the “love of my life”. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always had guy friends. I was the girl best friend they shared their love problems with (yung totoo, ano ba alam ko) and the ones who planned all those promposals for them. And it never really bothered me, I loved digging into the love lives of other people simply because it seemed fun.

Without boring you with the already boring details, it wasn’t until college that I experienced my first ever telebabad session with a campus heartthrob (disclaimer: hindi niya sa heartthrob material ngayon). In fairness to my dorky self, I also experienced some level of effort from the member of the opposite sex but I never really understood what was happening until the guy has either a) made out with another girl who wasn’t me or b) disappeared and fell off the face of the earth. 

So in a way, I have always been the clueless girl who never played the game. Unfortunately, this pattern continued but I only went out on my first “real” date when I was in my second job already and again, I don’t want to rehash details but that “broken heart” lasted up until 2013. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve had crushes, sometimes guys to text with (lol), and even a few “almosts” but somehow I believe they were just all in my head because I badly wanted to feel what my friends felt. 

In a way, you can say because of certain beliefs (that I no longer want to discuss because it’s a) personal and b) too long to share here) I have remained single for the most of my adult life. I could tell you it’s because I’ve been so focused on my work but up until recently, it was really because nobody cared enough to stay (hindi drama, reality lang). 

And up until that point, I’ve always mistaken the “almosts” for the real thing until I felt the real thing. Sometimes, you really have to be careful what you wish for. My baby brother would often say that we look for what we don’t have and just like the dreamy fifteen year old that I used to be, there were days when I dreamed of the stuff I read and watched.

I got my wish. I got my answered prayer but you know how God works, He won’t tell you the real reason until you go through that season. Now, I’m not saying it was a major thing. In fact, I think the main reason that it hurt was because to the other person it felt so basic, so normal, so ordinary. 

Here I was feeling such intensity of emotions and to him, it was simply an order of business as basic as eating, working, and sleeping. And I don’t mean to play the embittered girl because I’m not, in fact, I don’t blame him because he did come with warning signs and yet, I went ahead and fell in the ditch anyway.

I never really talked about this with anyone exhaustively because for the longest time, I couldn’t figure out why I was so hurt. It was nowhere near a relationship but somehow, I think it hurt because I intentionally believed the good in the person despite everything I heard about him. And I don’t regret that because I honestly believe that he is indeed a magnificent human being but somehow, I was hurt for reasons I still don’t understand myself. Was it because I wanted it to be more than what it was? Was it because I badly wanted to save him and I couldn’t? 

Or maybe, at the core of it, I was hurt because it felt like nothing. It was a hurricane in my life, as in for the first time ever, I experienced the can’t sleep, can’t eat, can’t talk, can’t function and waking up in the middle of the night with my heart physically aching. It was really pointless because what I experienced in 2008 was worse but this one, this was the storm that shook my otherwise calm existence.

It made me reevaluate my beliefs, my choices, and to the extent of making me question who I was. It challenged my set of values and made me wonder if it was worth throwing possible happiness out of the window.

It became a period of growth because my values were tested and I stuck with them. Kahit na gumagapang at umiiyak, I held on to my beliefs and faith knowing that God knows what’s best for me, but that’s another entirely different story all together.

I don’t feel angry. I don’t mind being rejected for being who I am. I also don’t feel the need to wish “him” bad because in all honesty, wala naman siyang ginawa but it could also be that indifference that broke my heart because it made me feel like it was all nothing. Like opening up your soul was nothing because it came so easily to him. The fact that it meant nothing to him stings the most because I was sincere with my friendship. 

I never wear my heart on my sleeve on this blog and in the past five years, I have been successful in keeping it at bay. However, tonight, I just felt the need to do so without going into detail. Somehow this heartbreak (and for once in my life, na experience ko na siya ng legit) humanized me and another experience God is using to humble me. 

I could easily say I regret letting the person in or I can whack myself in the head for being stupid in my choices when everyone around me warned me about it beforehand. I could go on that tirade, I really could, but what would be the point of it? 

The main point of the story is this: everything has a purpose. Before meeting this person, I was praying to be the kind of person who loved unconditionally and who gave without counting the costs. I wanted to be mature in the kindness and in the friendship I sowed into others. I wanted to be steady. I wanted to shape my character in order to be the kind of person who remained true to who I was despite the shifting circumstances externally. I wanted to see the best in people and most importantly, I wanted to be brave.

Without realizing it, through this crazy ordeal that may seem so normal to others, my prayers were answered. I thought I was finally finally going to be Haley James but God, as He always does, had other plans for me. He taught me that I didn’t need anyone to be complete or happy. He solidified the things I’ve long believed in and most importantly, He taught me to lean and rely solely on Him. This situation also taught me to stop putting up a tough front and in allowing myself to be vulnerable, I discovered the real meaning of bravery. Bravery is wearing your scars well and soldering on despite the pain. 

Bravery is also recognizing the situation for what it really is and allowing yourself to not be consumed by your insecurities. It’s about boldly accepting situations for what they are without having to prove yourself worthy. 

Minsan kasi when we get rejected, we often want to fill our social media feeds with us “being okay” but the reality is, it’s okay to not be okay. We sometimes also want to prove something to the ones who rejected us: maganda ako, matalino ako kaya dapat ako ang pinili mo. When in truth, it has nothing to do with that. Hindi lang talaga, the person has reasons that we have to accept.

And most importantly, it’s about letting people be. Someone once told me that sometimes it hurts because you were sincere in your intentions, whether it was for a friendship or something else, and the other person was not. But what can you do? That’s life. 

Kahit anong bait ko or kahit anong maganda ang ipakita mo, kung ayaw sayo, ayaw sayo and someone not liking you or fighting for you should not be a point against that person. Let’s stop making excuses and simply let things be.

And also, it’s time to stop counting our good deeds. We are good because we are good not because we want something from someone. We have to be authentic in our relationships. We do things because that’s who we are, not because we want something from another person. Oo, masakit mareject, but that’s what makes us human. That’s what reminds us that no matter how far we go in life, there would still be situations that won’t go our way and that’s not a bad thing. 
Okay lang iyon. Hindi nakakabawas yon sa pagkatao mo and most importantly, walang mali sayo if you were rejected. Work on what you have to improve on, learn the lessons, and hopefully finally move on from it (and no, moving on doesn’t mean wishing the person becomes alone forever, moving on means wishing that person well and if that includes him being happy with someone else, then so be it).

And lastly, it may have been a chaotic summer but I wouldn’t trade it for anything else. My dad would always remind me that at least I finally experienced it, at least I finally felt it, and most importantly, I learned. Life would be boring without its seasons and as gut wrenching as this season may be, I don’t regret it, I just want to put it behind me because how else can I enjoy the next season if I don’t close the chapter on this one?

Because who knows baka sa next season eh panahon ko na but until then, we keep learning.


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2nd

Today marks my second work anniversary at Perk Comm and I’m still amazed over the fact that it has been two years since I lost my ultimate dream job of being a college professor (who was starting her own department!) and an educational therapist and eventually found my way to the job that is meant for me.

If you only knew the amount of tears I cried and the fears I had in the summer of 2013 when I realized that what I’ve been working towards since I graduated in 2007 were shattered. I was sad but at the same time, hopeful. And for good cause, I was about to enter into the most radical and most exhilarating relationship of my life but of course I didn’t know it at that time. I’ve always thought that I was destined to be a teacher but of course God had other plans (as he always does) and I’m grateful he used that rejection to steer me to the right direction (how cheesy can I get, but this is true).

I always tell the people around me that the most important thing in my life right now is work so it’s always exciting for me to celebrate my work-vesary because it makes me feel like I’m investing in the right things. It’s also a joy to note that the best people in my life I have met through Perk and now as I thank God for all the blessings, I can’t help but laugh a my twenty four year old self who was so scared. 

Don’t get me wrong, work has been both humbling and challenging. I have had my own blah days and days when I feel I did’t have it in me to continue but never, not even once did I question if I was in the right place and I think that’s what makes all the difference. Everyday, despite what happened the day before, I wake up feeling excited to go to work. Whatever it is that is going on in my personal life, everything gets thrown out of the window the moment I enter the safe confinement of my work place. 

Perk to say at the very least challenged me. It has challenged me to become a better version of myself by throwing out the self-righteous ideal that I was already more than okay. Perk has also taught me to continue to be coachable and teachable despite the many things I have already picked up and most importantly, Perk helped me focused on my own self-improvement instead of constantly trying to be better than everyone else. 

It has rewired the way I saw success and without even noticing it, it has also made me more confident about myself, my choices, and my beliefs. All of these things I learned through gritty hard work that sometimes made me feel like the world is against me but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

I guess it’s true what they say that the things that change you, mold you, and eventually grow you are the adversities you initially wanted to run away from. I have been challenged in ways I have never been before and it was those trials or tests or whatever it is that you want to call that forced me to look inside and see the things I was afraid to see: my weaknesses and my faults and in doing so, I overcame my insecurities.

It also taught me to be fearless because no mistake is ever irreparable, in fact, most of them are essential in helping us become who we were meant to be. It’s the mistakes, the regrets, and the failures that ultimately train us and prepare us for life.

I used to think that there were shortcuts, that if I read enough or studied enough, I will be “wise” enough (ironically, this made me stupid) to avoid it. But as my dad would always say, walang madali and these are the things you have to go through in order to grow.


So tonight, I thank God for what is and look forward to what is ahead.

I will never stop believing that the best is indeed yet to come.

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You Win and You Learn

“Don’t worry about losing. If it is right, it happens – The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away.” – John Steinbeck
I don’t know about you but I absolutely detest losing. As a child, I found it difficult to accept the concept of “losing” and hated it when people told me, “but you did your best”. In both life and love, I would work overtime to make sure that life is exactly the way I imagined it to be in my head. It’s also safe to say that I can be quite the control freak.

At 26 however, I have come to realize that maybe I have defined winning differently. I used to define “winning” as being better than everyone else around me. It didn’t matter that I did the best that I can, the important thing was that I get to be the best in all things. It was a difficult life to pull off because the reality of life is that there will always be someone better in any area of my life. There will always be someone prettier, smarter, funnier, and all the other –ers you can think of. That’s just the way the world works. The world is the oyster of the best creation of God so who was I to think that it was only me who deserved the best of the best? And why did I even think that there was only one particular best for every single person on the planet?

My neurotic one-sided way of thinking has led me to be extremely competitive and easily discouraged without a hint of humility. I was prideful and easily irritable especially if people were not conforming to what I thought was the way to get things done. I was tough on myself and that spilled over being tough to other people as well. There were impossible standards to meet and no hint of gratefulness.
But recent events have led me to reexamine my life and my choices. With my knees on the floor, I have come to realize that life isn’t really about me. I’m here to create, to add, to give, and to enrich to those around me and not the other way around. Suddenly, it wasn’t all about winning or what I was getting out of life but I was giving to life. It doesn’t mean that I no longer worked hard; it just meant that I will not fall apart when things didn’t go my way.
One of my favorite authors John Steinbeck’s quote about losing generally sums up my life right now and my way of thinking. I’m no longer racing against the entire human race (or at least the human race around me) to be the best. I am slowly learning, by God’s grace, to understand that life isn’t a competition. And that another person winning doesn’t make me lose in anything, it simply means what was given to another wasn’t meant for me. Life isn’t about keeping score but simply accepting that there’s something for everyone and I don’t “lose” at life when I don’t get what I want, instead, I win because I learn from whatever situation has hurt.

It allows me to see life from a different perspective, one that is not bitter but always hopeful because if I can learn from even the saddest situations in my life then how can I not win? Life is life and if I don’t see the good that’s when we lose, so let it go, learn the lesson and believe that what’s meant for you will find its way back to you when the time is right.
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The Power of Authenticity

I would be the first person to admit that I am an extremely talkative person. As a child, I have been sent to the corner more times than I can count for never failing to out talk the teacher in any given situation. This pattern continued on until college where fortunately my desire to pass my subjects outweighed my incessant need to be heard.
That being said, I am always chattering on about something and the rise of social media has given me an even bigger platform to air my never ending thoughts and opinions on all things.  It was my persistent desire to share my opinion on absolutely any topic that jumpstarted my blog in 2004. I talked until no one listened and the birth of the internet (you mean all this internet space is just for me?!) has given me my own personal space that allowed me to voice my thoughts on just about anything.
Social media has been such a stable, consistent part of my life that even as I try to remember a time when I wouldn’t post what I was having for lunch or what I thought of the latest How to Get Away with Murder episode, I couldn’t. There used to be a time when I would only share my thoughts on both the relevant and irrelevant parts of my life to those closest to me (particularly my younger brother, Carl) but the rise of social media has given me an avenue to talk all the time. And for quite awhile there, boy did I talk – a lot.  The likes and retweets across all social media has also enabled my talkative nature. Suddenly, I was hypnotized by the likes that I was getting without realizing that just like in real life, I spoke (more like vomited) because I wanted to be heard so badly.
I was saturating my feed with stuff I should have kept private because in a way, the likes, the comments, and the retweets validated me. Unconsciously, I was showing off, trying to prove to people that I led a picture perfect life managed by angles and filters. What started out as an innocent way of sharing my life’s details turned into an everyday runway show (or is it a reality show?) minus the real messy details of my everyday real life. Suddenly, the duplicity got to me and I was exhausted by the double life I was leading. My social media sites reflect a perfect life so I must be perfect 24/7.
So I took a break from all of it, even from talking too much in real life. And then I saw the beauty of it. I saw the beauty in silence and the beauty in not having to share every detail of my life and most importantly, I saw the beauty in not responding to questions that I didn’t have to respond to.
I also learned the power found in authenticity, a goal I’ve had since the beginning of the year. If it’s not how I feel at the moment or if I am only posting a photo with this person to prove something then it’s not worth posting.

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The Gratitude Project

“Cultivate the habit of being grateful for every good thing that comes to you, and to give thanks continuously. And because all things have contributed to your advancement you should include all things in your gratitude.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
At the beginning of 2015, my social media feed was filled with the hopes that 2015 will be the year where our prayers get answered and our deepest wishes come true. Without even realizing it, the year just whizzed by and soon, we find ourselves right smack in the middle of it. We often get lost in the frenzy of life that we forget to simply sit back and appreciate how far we’ve come.
As human beings, we’re extremely goal oriented. We have this innate passion to win at life, however we define winning as. We want the job, we want the clothes, we want the relationship and we want things to stay this way forever. We keep striving and reaching without realizing how much we have been blessed with. As driven individuals, we have the tendency to simply go from one checklist to the next without realizing we have to appreciate the fact that we’re actually ticking things off our list. There are days when we feel discouraged by the huge gap between where we want to be and where we are that we don’t realize that even if they were baby steps, we have indeed come a long way. It’s not a crime to pat yourself on the back every once in awhile and be proud of what you’ve achieved so far.
We also have this tendency to dislike it when things end. We feel like we’ve failed in life when certain people, jobs, and what not exit our life thinking that we would have been more successful if they have stayed. But the truth is, we simply have to be thankful for the time we’ve spent in that job and with that person. We cannot control how long a season lasts in our life, but we can make use of the hurt we feel when the season ends by learning the lessons. I used to hate hearing about life from this perspective but it’s the truth. The only way we get through anything ending in our lives is by thanking God for the happy moments, discovering the gold, and moving on from it. Stop getting angry with people who left and situations that didn’t go our way, find the purpose and be grateful.

So as you start your week, simply thank God that you have jobs to go to, people you love, and food on the table. Our parents were right, when we begin thanking God for the small things, the big things happen but until then, let’s be grateful for today.
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The Get Fit Initiative

It’s that time of the year again when new gyms open within a two mile radius and where these said gyms are literally packed every single night.
My brother and I call them “the summer people”. The summer people, for whatever reason, only infiltrate the gym during the summer for the main purpose of “Laboracay”. They’re in the gym every single day until June and then they’re gone, only to return again the following summer. We really don’t mind but we do feel sad over the fact that most people think that fitness is all about looking good without realizing that the benefits go beyond looking good.
Now don’t get me wrong, I am definitely not one of those rah rah rah health buffs that only eat protein all day. My weight loss journey has always been an extremely personal one. I have dealt with years of overeating as a way to escape my emotions (yes, those memes you see all over Facebook can greatly describe me) and I have also dealt with counting every single morsel that enters my mouth. I’ve been on extreme ends of the spectrum and none of those fad diets have ever made me feel good on the inside.
It often left me feeling extremely frustrated, especially since I have always considered myself on the “active” side. I would run at the crack of dawn, dance horrifically during my Zumba classes, and even “try” my flexibility during pilates. My brother, however, would be the first to tell you that none of those worked for me.
You see, I was so busy working on the outside without realizing that I needed to get a lot of things fixed on the inside. The reason I wasn’t gaining control over my food intake was because I was a mess on the inside. I ate away my feelings one day and then went on a “cleanse” the next. I wasn’t being kind to my body simply because I wasn’t kind of myself.
It’s when I accepted my body for what it was and no longer detested it (and myself) for what it wasn’t did I see the legitimate changes that I’ve been longing for.
It started with a boxing program at our neighborhood gym (and my second home), Yellow Corner Sports and Martial Arts Gym that was initially introduced to me by my brother to help me deal with the stresses I daily faced.
You see I’m a HUGE initiator of things. I love starting new things but often have trouble being consistent with them due to my schedule and other excuses I often come up with. However, Yellow Corner for some reason hit the spot just right. Yellow Corner, through its trainers who have quickly turned into family in the year that I’ve been there, has been a place of solace. I’ve been surrounded by athletes my entire life but it’s only in Yellow Corner that I truly embraced a sport that challenged me and left me so tired I can barely walk at the end of the day.
My best friend, Karla, also helped me in dealing with my food intake. Food was no longer the enemy but it wasn’t my savior either.
The ironic thing however is that the changes on the outside didn’t matter as much as they used to. Looking good in front of the mirror was no longer the end goal of why I spent those many hours in the gym; instead it was just an added bonus. I am eating right and working out because I loved my body and now treated it as I would any of my friends.

It’s those things that you hear about constantly but it’s in experiencing it that you are transformed. So if you too are on an weight loss journey, don’t lose hope you’ll get there but you must also remember that you are beautiful and complete as you are, and once you believe that, that’s when the changes begin.
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Know more about Yellow Corner by visiting their Facebook page, Yellow Corner Sports and Martial Arts Gym.

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Mama, The Rockstar

When I was younger, people would often tell me that you would get to a certain age when your mom becomes more than just an authority figure, she actually becomes your friend.
It’s safe to say that I’ve never quite met anyone pretty much like my mother. Most people would be quick to assume that she’s a helicopter mom, but more than being the constant voice in my head telling me what she thinks is best for me, my mom, over the years, has indeed turned into my very best friend.
I wish I could be one of those people who hid things from their parents but the truth is, whenever I get news, whether good or bad, the first people I think of sharing it with is my parents, the main constants in my life. Over the years, my parents have seen me win and lose in life. Being quite the emotional child out of their four kids, they have also seen me retreat to my hole far too many times when hurt, betrayed, or just disappointed with life.
My dad would always remind me to be tough when life decides to be a witch the way he is but my mom would sit with me for hours, for days, and for weeks constantly rehashing the situation trying to find a loophole that could be the way to her daughter’s happiness. My mom, just like me, can be ridiculously optimistic. To this day, even on days when I don’t agree with her often-unsolicited advice, I value her voice above all else. It’s her that I run to when my heart is happy and when my heart is broken without realizing that seeing her daughter going through such emotions makes her emotional as well.
It wasn’t until a good family friend pointed it out to me that when I hurt, my mom hurts too, maybe ten times worse and this is something I have never been grateful for. Maybe because I’m not a mom that I don’t understand this kind of illogical love that wishes to shield another from all the chaotic pain of the world. I never realized that as I wept, my mom’s heart wept with me. There were days when I was so into deep the depths of my monsters that I didn’t realize that my mom was hurting for me too. I’ve failed to value and be grateful over the fact that I am blessed with a mom who wishes for her children to be happy and who cries when they do. There are moms who are not as involved in their children’s life but today, more than on any other day, I appreciate my mom more for being so involved in the details of my life that she knows what’s going on without me having to say a word. Her strong desire to see her children happy encourages me to make better life choices and to stop settling for people who don’t take care of me the way she my parents do. I was settling so low when I have already been gifted with the best kind of love right at home. To choose to settle was disrespect to the love they have freely given me.
So on this mother’s day, I wish to commend her and mothers around her who carry not just the weight of their own world, but also the weight of the world around them: the emotions of their kids and their partners. It’s true when they say there is nothing like a mother’s love, so if you are a mother and you’re feeling underappreciated today, know that even they don’t say it, your family loves you and the work you do is the core of the people you love.
Mothers are a safe place kids can return to no matter how old they get and today, I show my appreciation to my security blanket, my mom. Love you ma, you make all the difference in my world.
Do me a favor and hug your mom today, you may not always see it, but she loves you the best way she knows how and on most days, that is more than enough.